how do you know when to end it

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
how do you know when to end it
34
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:06pm
Hi all,
I am in the process of trying to decide once and for all if I should end things with my MM. I have been seeing him for a year and half now, and I just don't know if it is going anywhere or not. I am getting tired of being second in his life. Tired of the roller coaster ride. Tired of everything. But I still love him and don't want to give up the dream of being with him someday. How did any of you come to terms with ending things? How did you know it was time?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciate. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:31pm

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I am certainly no expert here...but I think you know it's time when you're asking yourself that question. I can tell you firsthand, there IS no future with an MM. I think you need to step away from the A and let him decide where he wants to be. You have time to do it NOW...and be in control of how this turns out. Unfortunately...I did not do this and am living with major lost self esteem and despair because HE ended it. There's still time for you to keep your dignity and end it.

You can still love him....but if you end it- I think that you have more control over your emotions and your recovery from the damage the A has caused. And if there's a future for you and MM...it will happen when he decides to get divorced- he doesn't really have to make any decisions when he can stay married and still get "what's missing" from you. It IS a roller coaster ride...would you rather decide when to get off...or would you rather be thrown off?

Good luck...Crissy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:37pm

First, welcome. You'll find this to be a place where you'll get both hugs and a kick in the butt when you need it.

If you're here, I'll venture to say that you know in your heart that it's time. He's married and not free to be with you. You will never be more than second...or third or fourth or tenth in this man's life. If you stay, you will continue to feel pain. If it hurts, it isn't good! Even if there are feelings of love and moments of euphoria, those are temporary. If you want a lasting, loving relationship, then you owe it to yourself to be in a position to be open to it. Say goodbye and start restoring your dignity. God knows, I wish I had never had an A. And after I did, I wish I had ended it when I first started thinking that perhaps I should give him his walking papers. It would have saved me the additional agony of making a fool out of myself and feeling as though my pride and dignity were destroyed.

Especially if you're single, what are you waiting for? For the pain to become unbearable? Trust me, it will if you don't get while the gettin's good.

Just my 2 cents.

Newsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 12:12am
I think I'm thrown off. I regret that I didn't get off but how can I get off if I just got on *LOL* But he ended it ughh...I'm so hurt and still wondering WHY???
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 12:28am

I ask myself every day..."why?" I was thrown off too...I'm used to my relationships being long over by the time there's a break-up. Who can imagine getting off such a great ride? (absolutely no pun intended...the emotional aspect was far more important to me than the sex- although that was great too.) I'm still thrown that this man that told me that he couldn't live without me....can.

We'll get through this.(maybe not over it...but through it)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 12:15am
Thanks, I need hugs and a kick in the butt!
I do know in my heart it's time, I am just afraid to give up the dream. I know that it is going nowhere the way it stands now. I think he is content just sitting on the fence because he is so torn in what to do. I think I need to let him go and make his decision on his own without me in the picture.
I have been in much pain over the past year and half. Alot in the past 6 months. I can't bear the thought of losing him yet I can't bear the thought of going on the way we have been another day.
I need someone to be with me full time, not part time. I don't want a part time relationship.
I want to open myself up to find happiness, either with him or with someone else. Preferably with him, free, not in an A. I am not happy in this A.
I want him to myself.
I am single, and the pain some days in most unbearable.
I pray I find the strength to let him go. And that he comes back to me free.
Thanks for your words. I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 12:21am
Thank you for your advice. I was thinking about that too. I would much rather be in control of my emotions and not get thrown off. I agree, it would be much easier to recover if I am the one to end it. He has ended things before and I felt so aweful. Of course, we started things back up again, but you are most definately right. It feels terrible not to be the one who ends things. It feels out of my control.
You are also right. There is no future with a MM. I want a future with him. I think I do need to let him go and decide what is best for him. If he loves me as much as he says he does, then he will come back to me, if that is what he truly wants. I can't fathom the thought of not havign him in my life, but I guess which is worse? Having in my life the way he is now, tiny bits and pieces of his time around the time he spends with his W and kids??? Or giving him the opportunity to make this right and come to me fully and completely when he is free??
I'll take him when he is free. I just need the courage to do it.
YOu are right, I am making his M tolerable by still being in his life. I no longer want to do that.
Thank you so much.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 11:47am
Sounds to me that you have your crap together alot more than you think that you do. It definitely is time to end it when you start feeling the way that you do. YOu can't bear to share him anymore. You dont' want to play second fiddle anymore, you know that you deserve more. If he leaves his M then maybe you have a chance. But in the meantime you need to set yourself free!

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 12:05pm
Thank you. It feels so out of my control, even though I know it's not. It nice to know that there are people out there that have gone thru the exact same thing that can help me and know how I feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 9:22am
i am in the same position as you....have been for four years. how it end it? that's very difficult. That's the question i ask too. i guess when the hurt outweighs the happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 9:30am
i have such empathy for you....i too am torn apart. I dont want to give him up, but each holiday, each season, each morning alone, and knowing he is waking up next to his wife is torment. the hardest part for me is, that i truly believe i will never find a man like him again. i am scared to confront him with the statement...leave her, or we are over.

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