Got my sign...it's done

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Got my sign...it's done
2
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:25pm

His parents are visiting and came to see him at work; guess who brought them? New girlfriend. Felt a few pangs of sadness (and a little anxiety) because he had told them about me last summer and showed them my photo and told them he hoped to marry me. So there was a time I had sincerely believed these people would be my family some day. I saw his mother looking at me as though she was trying to figure out if she knew me (they live out of town and don't see get our station). But I stayed in the background, didn't make any move to introduce myself and in fact didn't even make eye contact with him when he brought them around. He had said a couple of weeks ago that he would like me to meet them. Several co-workers gathered around them after the newscast and chatted...I just kind of smiled, nodded, and walked right by. I was the only one in the room who didn't go talk to them. But too bad. I didn't feel like putting on a show, and frankly, I think it was just too hard for me to walk over and make nice with them when there was so much heartbreak associated with their son. I don't even care at this point if people think I was rude.

I think this was my sign that things are moving on as they should. Despite all the pain, I do sincerely hope he finds happiness with this girl. (I say girl because she is 10 years younger than him, barely legal to drink!) She seems much more level than his xW, but I hope he is not making the same mistake, since xW was also much younger. I'm about 5 years younger than him...wonder if this is a pattern? Hmmmm. My only fear is that he has told her all about me (there is something strange in the way she looks at me, like she KNOWS) and that if things end with them, she might spill it. But I guess I can't worry about something that hasn't happened.

Looking at him tonight, all I could do was regret all the emotion and intimacy invested in him. Hard to believe that this is the same man, standing so coldly on the other side of the room, who used to tell me that in his heart, I was his wife, that he wanted to marry me and be the father of my children. Now we act as though we are barely acquainted. A new situation for me, since before I met my husband, I was always the one who ended relationships and when I did, I never spoke to them again. Not once. Cold, but effective. Didn't have the luxury in this case. Just another price to pay when you have a relationship that should never have taken place. You don't get the privelege of a normal breakup. You have to keep it hidden, act in ways that feel unnatural. Makes it that much harder to heal, but I am healing, a little at a time.

By the way, my gay friend who had been avoiding me since xOM told him he thought I was attracted to him...he gave me a Christmas gift and a big hug. Made me feel great. I will miss him when I leave. (I mention he is gay only to show how idiodic xOM's claims were).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:42pm

wow...before the A, I had been the one to end all of my relationships too. I didn't talk to them after either. In fact, I have no idea where my ex-husband even lives or how he's doing(not that I care.) Sometimes I feel like I am now getting what I deserve...for the way that I've ended relationships in the past. Only 10 fold. I had NEVER given my heart to someone like I did with xMM. He was to be the father of my children too...and wanted to marry me...even telling me that he wanted to do it by next easter. Now I have to look at him...and I'm supposed to feel nothing? UGGHHH!!

I'm glad that you made it to where you are today. I want to be there too...if only I could stop saying to myself..."not fair...not fair"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 12:13am

Crissy,

Oh, it has been a long, hard road to get here. And even now, the words feel just a bit hollow. Truth be told, I look at him and think, "Did you really love me? Do you miss me? Don't you want to cry for me? Do you remember the words you said to me? How can you look at me and not feel this pain I feel? How quickly can you pack and meet me at the airport with a ticket to an island somewhere?" That's in my weak moments. But my life is getting easier, a tiny bit at a time. I read on here once that someone said they go to bed feeling as though life is over, and they wake up and realize they're still alive.

I swear this board has helped save my life. There have been times I really wanted to die, or felt as though I would die. I just wish I could take it all back.

That said, I did learn things about myself. I think if he and I had maintained a friends-only relationship, we could have been great for each other. He was very intuitive and encouraging (until the end) and I helped him as well, with his personal relationships and, in small ways, with his career. He told me that I taught him what love was supposed to be. (Now someone else will benefit. Oh, well.)

It's slow going, but I'm getting there. You, will, too. I know it doesn't feel like it right now! Just wait...the best part is yet to come, Crissy.