Please - need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Please - need advice
4
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 3:15pm

What do I do?????????

Last Saturday night, the "circle of friends" had our Holiday bash at a local restaurant/bar.........
We all had alot of fun....maybe a bit too much to drink but it felt like old times.
I tried to sit on the other end of the table out of site from xMM......only because when he and his wife came in originally, he looked at me and smiled and waved - kinda like a lost puppy......sad and relieved to see my face.
Every time I looked down the table, he was looking at me - his wife told my best friend that everything was going VERY BADLY and that he keeps asking for a divorce..and that she will do everything to ruin him....
On that note: later that evening, he came over and sat by me and grabbed both my hands in his and said that he missed me so much, and that this pain was not worth it.......he put his head on my shoulder and mumbled something I could not hear (or really understand - I had a few drinks) and then he said that he knew that I was miserable too and that he could see through my facade........ BUT - this was all in front of our friends......remember, the one thing that drove his guilt the most was that he did not want our friends to know that he or I had it in us to betray.........AND HE WAS NOT DRUNK.

I felt really depressed the next day......his wife knows. she commented so many times in front of everyone on how nice I looked, and things like "Gee Karenna, you smile but your eyes look so sad, are you doing alright....??" "Did you play this song?"....I think that I saw my H with most of these CD's" (no I did not play them!!)
Anyway - I was sad because he showed so much emotion for me in front of everyone.....we even stayed behind at the bar while everyone went to another down the street so that we could talk..........but his wife came back and asked us to come with her.

He called on Monday.......said that he only wanted to stop the A becasue he thought that it would him focus on his marriage and getting the divorce - at least get his wife to do it ambically....and not drag it out for 6 months to a year. He said that things are so bad at home - worse and worse.........funny, his wife said the same thing....she even admitted to staying up most nights yelling at him just so that he would feel bad the next day.
He said he hopes we could see eachother before xmas, and I said that might be very hard with his wife playing detective constantly......and then he said he was desperate to see me. he said that he thinks about me all the time.....all the time.
When I told him that I missed Spooning him, he kind of let out this hurting voice and said "OH GOD" (what does that mean???)

OK: Desperate to see me..........I cant get his voice out of my head when he said that.
I know that it will be impossible for us to meet for a drink before xmas - but his wife does leave in a couple of weeks to go out of town for about 8 days.......
I am scared to see him only when she is gone. We lived together for 3 months....and it hurts alot to think that I may only see him once in awhile - should I hold my ground and keep working on myself and tell him that I do miss and want to be with him....but he made a decision and if he wants to be with me, it will have to be after he gets the divorce???
everyone in our circle of friends knows for sure that they are divorcing........but....somewhere in the back of my head I hear this voice that says....Yes he cares very much, yes he said he is desperate to see you and misses you so much.....but should he have called back by now if he was really desperate to see you (ok, its only been 2 1/2 days)?
Was he keeping you on the fence by calling - ? Maybe he regreted saying he was desperate.......he showed me really how much he missed me though in front of everyone!!!

Maybe I should just be happy that he does care - And take it for that. Its too hard for him and I to sneak around again - and it defeats the purpose!!.......and wouldn't it be better and sweeter for us to JUST KNOW that we feel for eachother - and that the future is brighter than we think.

I have not and will not call him - I have not called since that last time almost 2 months ago.......and really, seeing him did not make me feel weak, it confirmed only that he really cares for me.....and I for him....and that we are stuck in this pergetory for another 4 or 5 months..........

Whats your take on it? Should I be strong - We care about eachother so much. But If I do see him - when it is safe for either of us........I will not be able to post here anymore.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 3:41pm

I don't have too much advise for you, I can only say what I'd do if it were me. I would continue on the path you've been, keeping away from the A. Make it clear to him that if he takes real steps to end the marriage, you will be there for him. Otherwise, you are not going to put yourself back into a bad situation.

I had to comment on this part you wrote: "and wouldn't it be better and sweeter for us to JUST KNOW that we feel for each other"

This is what I'm trying to keep in my own mind to get me past my A. I know we are both still in love with each other, I also know keeping the A going longer just because it hurts to break up, isn't the right reason to stay together. So that line you wrote, is what I tell myself..I KNOW how he feels about me, and that has to be enough. Neither one of us had any intentions of leaving our spouses, so I look at this as we're back where we were before the A..desiring each other and leaving it at that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 4:15pm

Your chain's being jerked again.

Hey! Maybe once he's had his leg-over he'll be sweet enough to pat you patronisingly on your widdle head again? Good doggie! Sit, beg, heel, paw, roll-over! Goooood doggie!

Ask youself why you are so willing to be a schmuck for this guy.

Ask yourself, too, why your husband and his wife mean so little that you're willing to do the dirty on supposedly great friends like that.

Why not just make a firm date for the day the ink is dry on all four signatures required on both your divorce decrees?

Posie
*retreating back to the shadows*

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 5:34pm

I have to agree with Posie. Harsh words, perhaps. You need to get your head out of the Christmas bells.

Same out trite stuff here: If he acts this way about you in front of his wife -- he'll act this way in front of you with someone else when you are his wife.

What we 'don't get' -- for quite a while -- is that we really don't want to marry a man who cheats on his wife. I don't care how GOOD we feel -- that's not real love. Breaking up with someone we love because it simply isn't right is real love -- for him and for our own selves AND his family AND our family (if we have one) -- that's real love all around.

(Oh, and, btw, I'm not so sure we're way up there in the trust department either.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 10:01pm

Karena

""Why not just make a firm date for the day the ink is dry on all four signatures required on both your divorce decrees?"""

GOOD ADVICE, HARD TO TAKE BUT STILL GOOD ADVICE.

Free