new here, and need advice...please
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| Thu, 12-23-2004 - 11:43pm |
a few months ago i met a man online in a group we belong to. we live far apart and he is a little older than me (by 12 years). We are both married, he has 2 kids and i have 1. When we first started talking, it was just as friends. I am unhappy in my marriage and at the time he claimed that he was happily married. So i would vent to him about my marriage and how i wanted out. He would listen and offer resonable advice.
Things began chaning in our friendship and things got more flirty and then we began having steamy conversations with each other. It feels like before we knew it we were in a relationship. His wife found one of our IM windows and she was livid. She asked him to cut off contact with me, but he refused. He told me she knew she would loose him if she kept him from me, so she gave in and we continued. My dh knows that we talk, and he has had his jealous moments but he doesn't know that we have actually had an online affair (i think).
So anyways, as we went on our feelings got stronger and we really wanted to meet each other. We had agreed that i would fly to see him this summer. As we kept making plans to meet, we also began falling in love. One day, not even expecting it i told him that i was scared that either way this went i would end up alone. I had no idea what kind of can of worms i had just opend. He began telling me that he really wasn't happy in his marriage and that he wasn't sure she was the one he wanted to spend his life with. Immediately he began the long term relationship talk, and boy did i fall right into it. I was so happy, i feel asleep with smiles on my face. Every morning i would IM him and tell him good morning and we would have nice romantic conversations. Then we would talk on the phone every night.
Around this time his wife began to get very upset and scared (with good reason) and she began asking if he was leaving her and so on. He told her that he wanted a relationship with me. Monday night we had the best conversation we had ever had. we talked about things like how we wanted a house to look and things like that. His wife over heard and she was upstairs and took her wedding ring off and took family photos off the wall. This scared him and he decided that he would have to make a choice. He continued to lead me on saying things like he was going to follow his heart on this and that it was good for me. and he kept telling me that he wasnt going to leave me, and he would be there for me and he had no intention of ending our relationship.
Tuesday he asked for a day to decide what to do and i was very nervous and upset and i had a gut feeling he was going to ditch me. the next day he told me that he and his wife were going to try marriage counseling and that he didn't expect me to wait for him. I responded by telling him i sure as hell wouldn't wait for him. I have been so heartbroken. I really believed him!!! Why did i? i feel like a big joke! and then his wife emailed me saying she felt compeled to help me...UGH! like i want her help....
So we have been emailing and i have been laying my feelings out very open. the anger and hurt and everything. i am so sick over this. i can't even sleep! so tonight we talked on IM and told me that he still cares for me, and if he wasn't married and didn't have kids, he would be at my door in a minute to take me away. What good does that do me? He told me that i almost had him. Then i sent him an email with the lyrics to the song almost doesn't count and told him that it didn't mean anything....i don't want almost i want him completely!
He told me that his decision was final about staying with his wife. Then told me that he wanted to try to be friends, because he didn't want me out of his life. I told him that when he goes to marriage counseling he will have to give me up, because thats part of the process...and he told me that the thought of me not being in his life made him sick..that he wanted at least a friendship.
I don't think i could ever be just friends. I will always want more from him. My hope is that he tells me that he does want to be with me and he's ready to make that step, but i know that it isn't going to happen.... Not to mention that even after he said he wanted to be friends he kept flirting with me like regular times.
How do i move on? how do i get over him? I feel in love with him and in less then 5 minutes i went from being someone important in his life to just an internet buddy...(i am crying just thinking about it). How could he do this!!! How could i belive him...he sounded so convincing. He told me he still feels this way, but i want him to be with me, the pain of loosing this much hurts so bad.
I know that i need to end this once and for all, no friendship or anything, because once marriage counseling starts then i'll loose him all over again.
How do you get past this? everything we planned is over, how can i move on? will it always hurt this bad?
thanks to any replies, and i'm sorry this is so long....
I also forgot to add that he was helping me plan the details of my divorce. He basically had directions out the door and to him. I was willing to take the leap of faith to be with him. he wasn't and that hurts, because he told me he was! he told me that when he had sex with his wife, he felt he was cheating on me, and i felt the same way. I was willing to take the next step. He told me he was a coward and that he was sorry...I probably sound very stupid huh....maybe i am...i sure feel stupid......:(
Edited 12/23/2004 11:47 pm ET ET by mommy2my1

My xmm still wants to be friends too and I thought that it would be the mature, strong thing for me to try to do it. But it's not fair to me. He ended it...he made a decision to stay married for the kids...whatever. I thought that all control had been taken out of my hands...but I found that I do have the control to tell him that I cannot be that friend that he's looking for. Now he can hurt some over that.
I cannot be "friends" and talk to him as if we hadn't been planning to spend forever together. When I'd try...he'd think that all was well...and all I could think about was what was missing. And when I'd cry when we talked...there was nothing he could say to make it better. Screw that. I'd rather get better by myself than have him see me like this anymore. It's degrading.
By the way...I did, at one point, date a guy that I met online...BIG mistake. Worse than an affair in some ways. Both scenarios...you only get to know the part of him that he chooses to show you.
Don't let this guy rope you into being friends just so he can get reassurance from you while he gives you nothing...and openly admits that you're getting nothing. Think about what true friendship is.
hmmm...tomorrow I will probably be the one crying on the board again. We all have good days and bad days, I guess.
good luck...Crissy
I agree with Crissy. Don't remain friends with this guy. It will not help you get past this at all. You will only hurt more and by remaining in this guy's life you are providing him with something that he needs, while he gives you nothing but heartache in return. I know all about this.
Your story sounds familiar.
My MM did sort of the same thing. He declared his love for me. Both of our spouses found out. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and he was leaving his W. Never happened. Hasn't happened yet and I have been with him a year and a half. He decided to stay and do MC for the kid's sake. He said he had to try. But he wanted to remain friends because he couldn't bear the thought of not having me in his life. So I remained friends. We started things up again after awhile. Then we would take a break after he thought he should try harder with his M. This went on and on. We never stopped talking. He always gave me some glimmer of hope that we would end up together. I ended up getting a D. I am still waiting on him. I have been thru so much heartache, I tell you, I don't think it is worth it.
If you stay friends with this guy, it will never end. You will never be able to heal. You might start things up again with him and you will be back to square one. I say tell this guy to contact you when he is single. It will save you alot of heartache.
Sorry for your pain.
You've learned a very valuable lesson. I think your internet-cherry...just got broken. You need to step back and realize what you were willing to do for someone you've not even met yet. Lil'scary isn't it?
Someone who did care for me actually taught me this lesson because he would get caught up in internet-relationships (he was single and free to mingle like me)and he learned a lesson he passed onto me and wouldnt let me get caught up in him UNLESS WE MET.
REPEAT THIS 1000 TIMES....ITS NOT REAL UNTIL YOU MEET!. Sure, the communication on the internet is awesome....people do not communicate like that in real life, especially men...so it IS A GREAT WAY of getting to know someone. BUT keep in mind that we are able to edit, misinterpret and decieve...VERY EASILY in writing. We are not with them to see their eyes etc. We have time to form our thoughts, very lil impulsive reactions or responses going on ...just as I am thinking clearly about what i say right now.
You've learned a very valuable lesson, unfortunately through pain. You may just have saved your life, your marriage etc. You may think you are stupid right now...but be glad he pulled back. I'd stay away from this fantasizer. I'd also recognize that you have the ability to be one too...and put some walls up to that happening ever again.
Good Luck,
Lizzie
That I dont mean that people online are necessarily evil people etc. He may have had all the best intentions of the world. But let me share with you that online we can percieve others as being more than they are as well. I had a two year relationship with someeone i met online. I met them after 5 months...he was not as clever, witty,sexy, masculine, etc. ..he was socially very awkward. I told him when he left to go back home(he was Long Distance from me) that I didnt think it was working out. He blurted that he loved me.(I thought...omg..how can he possibly say that when things were soo awkward...and said that to him lol) Ok I thought perhaps i was judging too soon. I shouldn't negate how he feels but I am not going to reciprocate that intensity because I dont feel "love" yet. Sooooo....Another year of constant contactby phone, IM, email, fax, and chat room passed. I would see how he was in chat room, remember how he REALLY was in person...and started not really respecting him at all for being so great online, funny, talked sexy etc. Met him again....it was horrible. Had to spend 7 days with him. He is terribly shy in person etc. Online Mr. Bravado etc. Perhaps he was intimidated with me etc..but I am the same online as off. I broke it off with him.
Point to this post: this awesome invention of the internet has opened up humans to unbeleivable wonderful and terrible things. Please keep in mind to keep it real and expect the same. You must know yourself as well. Learn from the internet. If you take anything away from this...perhaps that you are more gullible then what is healthy for you. We all sign on once for the first time. Many of us have probably felt what you have. Some of us woke up or were shown how manipulated our minds can be ....if we are open to it or dont listen to the signs of fantasy.
Mom
Sorry that you have had to find yourself here.
The sad reality is that your story has been repeated time and again on these boards.
You are fortunate that his wife pushed him off the fence before you found youself divorced because these guys almost NEVER leave there wife for the other woman, you could have ended up alone and struggleing to care for your child well he had his cake and was eating.
Beware thet he will almost certainly attempt to lure you back into the affair, the friendship thing is a pile of B/S, this is a standard cheating married man tactic.
Your best option is TOTAL NO CONTACT, Delete your IM software and get off the computer for a few months other then support boards like this one.
There is no real future in affairs other then PAIN, walk away learn your lesson, face to face affair almost always end, internet affairs have less of a chance, affair based real world relationships fail at over 95 percent rate in the first year and that number goes up over time.
Save yourself and you family and dump this guy and his truck load of FANTASIES and work on making your real world better for you and yours.
Free
I also met my xmm online and then in person. He was in my area for work. What I did not know when we met was there was a wife in the other state and no divorce in the works. I am single. I did learn he was married and I got promise after promise on how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I was willing to wait (I know, stupid on my part). He then lost his job and was "forced" to move back. He still wanted me to wait. It was not the right time to divorce, you know, financial reasons and all that other crap they feed us. A year after he moved back, his W did file for divorce, or so he said. Please note that HE did not file, she did. I hung on and kept getting sucked back in until I could not look at myself in the mirror. I truly hated the person I had become.
Affairs are unhealthy, no matter what the circumstances. If he truly wanted to be with you and you truly wanted to be with him, then divorce and get together. Such a simple solution to a complex problem, but a solution that most likely will never happen.
My xmm also wants to be "friends". He hates to lose the best friend he ever had (besides his wife, of course). Friendship cannot be maintained after so many raw emotions are expended on the affair partner. We have tried the "friend" route and it failed miserably. What we need to do is learn from our experience, let the love we felt for this person be integrated into the rest of our lives and move forward. Only look back when we are feeling weak and need to be reminded of why we stopped this behavior in the first place.
If your marriage is salvagable, try MC and see if that might help. If it is not, then divorce, but divorce for YOU, not for anyone else.
Try to set this aside for the time being and focus on the meaning of this holiday and put everything else in perspective.
Take care.
Mommy,
You're not stupid, just deluded. Like the rest of us. We let ourselves believe that something is really there that isn't and can never be. You never even met this guy in person, and you were already building the picket fenced house in your head! That's not reality! My hearfelt suggestion to you is to take a look at your own life, your own marriage and your own self and figure out what is making you so very unhappy that you were willing to get wrapped up in some false internet illusion to the point that you did. And then fix it so that it doesn't happen again. We've all been there. We've been to the other side of the mountain and have come back. You'll get better, but not until you get honest with yourself about the true nature of this relationship. This guy was never going to leave his wife for you or anyone else. It's all just fantasy.