Affair = Addiction..Your Thoughts Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Affair = Addiction..Your Thoughts Please
10
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 9:08pm

I recently read somewhere on this site that an affair was much like a cocaine addiction - worse than a chocolate addiction because this addiction is destructing...

My story begins about 11 months ago when my married best friend from work confided in me that he had feelings for me and how he had never had feelings like those he had for me outside of his wife and so on. I, being married also, did have some feelings for him too at this time, but just listened to him talk and told him that we were married and that nothing could happen. When I left, I gave him a hug goodbye (we were after all still best friends). Bam! The chemistry between us when we hugged was much stronger than I could have imagined... As the weeks went on (we were car pooling by the way), we would steal a hug in here and there and he wanted to kiss me on numerous occassions. I refused everytime.

As the weeks kept going on, he finally won and we kissed and it was nice. He ended up telling me that he loved me, but he could not imagine not seeing his kids everyday. I later ended up confiding to my husband. The commuting stopped and we were not suppose to talk to each other at work anymore.. That lasted for about a month and we were right back at it... Knowing what we were doing was wrong, we would discuss how we were smart enough to think of the consequences of our actions and how we were hurting our spouses, but when we were alone together, it was so addicting, that all of that thought went right out the window! We ended up doing more than kissing, but never slept together (my doing). After we took it to the next level, my married friend told me it was lust. I couldn't live with the guilt anymore and again, I confided in my husband. Needless to say that I had my bags packed. Our marriage appeared to be over. My married friend did not want to tell his wife, so after some persuading, he finally realized it was the right thing and confessed to her as well. His marriage weathered out the storm much better than mine.. This was about 2 months ago..

My husband is still with me and after a rough two months of me telling him how sorry I am and how much I love him, he vowed not to leave me and does not want me to go... This time, my husband did not care about my job at this point and I turned in resignation. My boss offered me a huge promotion to stay.. So, after much discussion with my husband, we decided that it was not fair for me to leave my job while "he" stayed there bringing in the money.. Once again, we were not to talk outside of work related issues. It is very difficult as we sit side by side. A month passed and we got through it, but we were both miserable... We missed talking to each other so much! He would try talking to me at work and I refused... Then we started the small talk again and for a few days, tried talking like old friends again and nothing more, but we wanted more... I now see what they mean about an affair being like a cocaine addiction...

It was at this point that I came to this site.. Wow! It feels so good to know that I am not alone... I came to work the next day and told him about some of the stuff I read on here and he was also amazed.. He asked if anything on this site commented about the feelings mostly being love or lust. He is confused as to which one he is feeling because he still loves his wife. He looked at his families picture on his desk and said that they were so special to him and then looked at me and said, what we had was something too and that when we are together, the force is so strong, like magnetism...

I told him once again that we cannot continue to talk. I said 2005 is a new year and we need to work on rebuilding our relationship and trust at home and we need to look at the year 2004 as a year that a big mistake was made... I just dont know if I can do it... I miss him so much. When we said our "Final goodbye" (keep in mind, we will still each other after the holidays at work), he said "In another time...." and I said, "Look me up in he**."...

I love my husband, but I really think I love "him" too and deep down, I know he loves me too... I really think if we would have met before we got married that we would be so happy and maybe even happier than we are now.. But, we made the choice to marry who we did and the choice to ruin our friendship.. Now we have nothing left.. I am so glad that my husband stayed with me, but I am miserable without my married friend in my life.. How does that one song go? "I Can't Live.. With or Without You..."

I guess I just wanted to see what others thought about this... Are we taking the lazy way out by not divorcing and being together or do we need to stop the madness and move on with our families at home.

May God Bless all of you.. (((HUGS)))

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 9:17pm

yes affairs are a form of addiction. As far as your marriage goes I am sure there was a time that you thought your husband was the earth, sun and the moon. The A with XMM was exciting and gave you a thrill but that doesn't mean you would be happy married to him. An affair is fantasy, marriage is real life. My therapist is still trying to convince met hat I wouldn't be happy married to XOM. I don't know how she would know that but obviously she sees something that I don't.

Whether you would be happy to XMM or not is a moot point because you made a decision to work on your marriage. Try and do that , it isn't easy and it takes time. Go to therapy if you have to. Find out what caused you to stray in the first place. Good luck.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 9:17pm

Hi Sunracer,

Welcome and congratulations on being so strong!!!

I don't have much advice to offer you on your situation since I am still an active OW, but I will say if you still love your husband you're better off working it out with him rather than breaking up your family and later regretting your decision.

I don't think there's any shame in divorce, but I certainly don't think you're taking the easy road by not divorcing. Neither road is easy.

Give your marriage a shot. Make sure you put 100% into your husband and whatever therapy or counseling you guys decide to do. If you still want to be with your OM and he tries the same and still wants to be with you, then my advice would be divorce before an affair. An affair is so hard on everyone involved and you'll both be much better off if you can have a relationship out in the open.

Good luck with whatever you choose, sun, and I hope you have the best holiday possible!!!

Hugs!!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 10:25am

"I really think if we would have met before we got married that we would be so happy and maybe even happier than we are now.."

Your own words summed it up. We cannot live on "ifs". "If only", "another time", "soulmate", and more if, if, if, would have, could have, should have. I told xmm that I cannot live on those words. Oh, how many times we said that if only we had met when we were younger, how happy we could have been. That is not the reality though. My reality was that I was seeing a mm who had no intention of becoming unmarried. This was proven out by his actions, not his words because I got all the promises.

Yes, affairs are addictions and the withdrawal is painful, but I commend you for working on your marriage. If a marriage fails, don't let an affair be the reason. Sometimes, the line between love and lust can get muddled. Maybe try and find what had been missing in your M that led you to even consider another.

Best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 7:39pm
Thanks to all for your kind words and I hope everyone had a nice holiday... 3 days have gone by since I have seen my XMM and I feel pretty good. I have enjoyed the holidays with my husband and my family... I have all of this week off from work (as my XMM does as well)... I feel pretty strong right now, but I just know that once I see him again when we go back to work, all of my feelings for him will just come flying back... He is opening up his own business soon and will be leaving his job probably within the year (hopefully).. I just hope that I can make it through this time and then learn to forgive myself and learn to forget him in time. I know he will always hold a little piece of my heart, I just hope that in time, the piece he holds gets smaller....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 12:13am

Your story sounds much like mine. Lots of lust,fun and friendship but not the sex yet. I am having a difficult time like you getting my mm out of my mind and heart. We too told our spouses. Don't think it did much good. His wife is stalking me. Scary!!!!! have you had problems with that? We quit contact about 2 months ago and it has been difficult. I guess it is an addiction in some ways because I still crave him so much.
Things around my house are getting better with husband. I am trying hard to make my marriage strong so I won't stray again.

Good luck to you,

Midnight

P.S. Have you had any contact with his wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 10:17am

Hi Midnight,

I just thank goodness that we did not go all the way and I applaude you for holding strong as well! The good thing about telling our spouses is that we can hopefully start over and clear our conscience...It is obvious that we both still care for our husbands very much as we were looking for a way out. As far as having contact with his wife, No. I have not spoken with her since... The funny thing is that all four of us were friends.. We had been down their house and went out together as couples on several occassions (because of us being best friends)... So, my husband feels even more betrayed by a guy whose house he had been down and his wife I am sure feels the same way about me. There has been no stalking. He said his wife does not hate me and that life is too short to hate (so I am pleased about that). The only contact my family has had with her was a week after I told my husband, he told his wife and then she called our house to talk to my husband and let him know that she now knew as well... The call went well as my husband explained to her that that was the reason we were not hanging out as a couple anymore. She now understood why.

Congratulations on no contact for 2 months! It sounds like you are on your way to healing and hopefully rebuilding the trust in your marriage. I just wish that I didn't work side by side with my XMM. Makes it extremely difficult - miserable that I cannot talk to him and trying to hold in my feelings all at the same time..

My husband and I have not done any counseling and not sure if we will, but try to look at the qualities you found exciting in your MM and see if you can find those qualities in your husband. Obvioulsy you and I did not stray for the sex, but the emotional bond and the fun times. My MM and I seem to have more in common than me and my husband.. But then again, we are not fighting about the mortgage, bills, and what to do on a Saturday night either.. We only see the their good side all the time. Good luck to you. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 2:52pm

Hi sunracer,

Thank you for all your encouraging words. I don't know how you do it since you work with you MM. I have seen my MM on occasion from afar and want so much to talk with him. Good for you for staying strong with such close contact.

You are so right about seeing all the good sides. That is why the A is so thrilling and satisfying. It is pure infactuation, no baggage, no kid problems, no mortgage etc. Guess that is why it is so addicting also.

I'm worried about his wife though. I feel terrible that I have caused her pain and worry. I saw her recently while shopping and she makes it a point to be in my face. We did speak right after she found out. I'm sure she has more questions now. I guess I have made this mess for myself and will have to deal with it.

As far as me and my husband, we are doing better. We are trying to have more FUN and enjoy each other and our family.

P.S. I think I read that you have more in common with MM than your husband. Remember that it was your differences that drew you to your husband in the first place. If you were just alike, one of you would not be needed in the relationship.

Thanks again and good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 6:46pm

Hi Sunracer,

I too was involved in an A with a coworker/best friend and after reading your situation, I thought I might be able to give you a few words of encouragement. you were wise not to allow the relationship to go on to that ultimate intimacy. Once the actual sexual part (sleeping together) comes in, it puts the relationship on a whole different level, so don't go there.

I ended my A in August and it was extremely difficult to work side by side each day after ending it. I was lucky in that XMM applied for and got a job outside my office in October. We both knew that we could not have gone on like that for very long and thank God, he did get the new job. It made it much easier for me when he was not with me each day. I missed him a lot, but I did not feel like I was having to fight a battle with my emotions and with him each day I went to work.
If your "friend" does start his own business this next year, I know you will find that it helps you.

I also agree with those who have said that there is a world of difference between the A and real life. We can have fun with the A partner, be romantic and capture those feelings we may have been missing in our marriages. For most of us, I think that is the primary attraction. I have tried to improve my marriage in those ways and have explained to my DH the importance of these things and how I need his help right now to work on the marriage. He has been very understanding and things are 100 per cent better than they were between us.

Sounds like you are on the right track. Stay strong, but be very careful. It is very hard to see the XMM each day and not respond and fall back into those patterns and that addiction. If it is possible for you to move your work area, you might consider this until his other job comes about.

Good luck to you. Stay strong.
IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 7:14pm

Sun

I have not read the other responses so may repeat them, LEAVE THE JOB OR GET A DIVORCE, because if you do not do the first the second will happen sooner or later.

Love BULLSH$T, Attraction sure, addiction you bet, YOUR A JUNKIE simple as that, TOTAL NO CONTACT may yet save your from a future of pure hell on earth.

Read the post below about addictive relationships.

Just so you know if you and XMM got together in a REAL relationship you have a better then 95 percent chance of having it end in less then ONE YEAR, affairs are not HEALTHY relationships and it is next to impossible to build a healthy relationship out of them.

The fact that you have a man other then your husband for a best friend should be suggesting to you that you may need to be seeing a individual councelor to see whats going on there thats not normal for a woman.

Now I may have hurt your feelings and got you all mad with this post but it is nothing COMPARED TO WHATS COMING YOUR WAY IF YOU DON'T DEAL WITH THE UNDERLAYING ISSUES THAT ALLOWED YOU TO DO THIS.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 9:18am

Thanks for the 2 cents... I agree with IPrincess and I also can relate to your one Post: The Emotional Cost of Infidelity. You said you did not read the rest of the post, but you should have to get a good idea of how others thought I was handling the situation. As I stated, I did put in my resignation, but after my husband and I already each went through 8 months of being layed off and now each landing a sweet job, it is not the wisest decision at this time. I have to be strong for the both of us and I need to be strong to save my marriage. Since I already confided to my husband twice and my XMM only confided once, I am on a short line. I mess up again, I really don't think my husband will give me a third chance to mess things up again. My XMM probably has 10 more chances as their marriage survived the news much better than mine. Not sure how accurate this is, but I have heard a man hearing news of his wife having an A is much harder to deal with than the other way around.

I agree with your article: The Emotional Cost of Infidelity because in there it stated that there is no "Cookie-Cutter" reason why people have an affair. I know that at first, I had no physical or emotional bond with my XMM other than just being friends. When you start car pooling with someone (an hour each way to work) and then working side by side each day (I figure I was with him over 10 1/2 hours each day!).. Much more time spent with him on a day to day basis than my H. You start talking personal after the work related issues starts to get old... We started realizing that we had a lot in common and went through the "dating" phases of having lunch together, etc... Our feelings grew and while everyone has the control on how to handle their emotions, I failed at at the test. When we were alone together (ex: 30 minutes at a time), we would contemplate what we were doing for 25 of the 30 minutes! We knew what we were doing was wrong, but once we realized we had 5 more minutes of alone time, then we messed around.

My husband has been absolutely wonderful with me over the past month or so.. We had a great talk about what I felt was missing in our relationship and while he stated that I need to accept him for who he his, he would try to make an effort to want to do more stuff and be a little more romantic. While it is never the one's fault who got betrayed, I think both partners need to work on the marriage if it is to survive.

Today is the 5th day of NC with my XMM and I won't see him until the third of Jan. I explained again to him that there can not be any chit chat outside of work related issues. I know this is going to be extremely difficult and miserable, but I hope that if we did it for a month and half earlier, I can do it. I will miss my XMM terrible, not just the intimacy part, but I think I will miss his friendship more...