W found out about affair on Xmas eve,but

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
W found out about affair on Xmas eve,but
2
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 4:58pm
MM and I have been involved for 4 years, BUT for the past one for only an emotional relationship, as he tried to do right for the kids as he put it, after his second sons birth a year ago, kind of happened when W. first had suspicions. He was always honest with me, I knew he was not going to leave anytime soon, so we tried to stop all contact, but it seemed to tear both of us apart, so we emailed, talked on the phone, saw each other here and there, but not in a phyisical kind of way. STill having each ohter in our lives this way seemed our solution of comfort in this heartwrenching experience, the kind of experience we all think at first, we have this under control and then it spirals downhill from there. And you become so attached to each other you can not let go....at least our story.
So she overheard or listened to a VM I had left him , we were always very careful but I guess not careful enough, the VM was exlicite enough to without a doubt know he has an affair. He is the quiet type you know , will let her drill him to the end and then try to make it up to her for the rest of his lifetime. He is too scared she will take the kids out of state, back home were she is from, so he will do anything to have things remain calm and work out.
I decided I will break all contact with him, for his own sake, and trust me this will not be easy, the kind of certainty I love this man with for so long now, only comes a lifetime , and I am in my forties. But to not cause anymore complications in his life I will have to set him free, out of the love I have for him.
I never meant to hurt her and I am deeply troubled by it , as i need to take responsibility in my part of allowing him to get involved with me ...I never meant for this to happen and can only imagine how tough things must be for him and her at this moment. WEll I have been there to, as W. whose husband had an affair. So I know and it shows you that it can happen to anyone.....as Wife or other women.
I just felt like I had to share this, thank you for letting me do so..maybe this will be an eye opener of how we all are human and how a simple phonecall , a simple visit etc. can cause to much hurt for so many involved.....so I will continue to try to smile because it happened, but I regret she ever found out and I caused this much hurt to anyone, no one deseres that. So I am left behind rooting for the "hometeam"
Wishing you all a blessed christmas
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 7:16am

Frances, I understand what you're saying. My greatest fear was that his wife would find out, and I never wanted her to hurt like that or cause any problems with his marriage. But you seem to forget that there were TWO people involved in the affair. It was your slipup but it could just as well have been his at some point along the way. If he had been all that afraid for his children, he could have said "NC" but he didn't. This is hardly all your fault, by a long shot, and I wouldn't beat myself up about it.

And as I've said before and will keep saying: do we really want to be involved with and/or marry a man who cheats on his wife? What is it about our emotions that overrules our good sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 5:32pm

Frances:

Just something to think about...in your post you say that your message to him was "explicit" enough for her to know that you had an affair. You then later say that a "simple phone call or visit" can lead to trouble, basically. I just wanted to note that it probably wasn't just a simple phone call. If it had been, it probably wouldn't have been so "explicit". I think it's great that you have such empathy for his wife. Many women wouldn't. But I think, if you are to truly get past this affair, you have to 1) stop romanticizing it i.e. the line you have in there that was taken from "Bridges of Madison County" about the "certainty", and 2) have NC WHATSOEVER! You cannot carry on an illicit affair with someone and expect to remain friends afterwards. The chances of that happening are very, very, very slim. There's just too much history, and the history there is a bit seedy. I say this not from a place of judgement because I am just as guilty as you are. I say it because it is, quite simply, the truth.

Good luck with ending this. You CAN do it if you truly wish to.

Silly