My New years resolution...
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My New years resolution...
| Sat, 12-25-2004 - 10:55pm |
Is to just become a good person again!!!! I want my morals back. I want to be the caring person I used to be and I don't want to have hate in my heart for anyone. I found myself thinking some really mean things today about someone who never did anything at all to me but try to be my friend. His W!! I went to my sister's tonight and we were playing darts. To get the bulls eye I kept imaginging her face in the center. It worked. I kicked their butts!! And then I get home to find an email (From him, I'm assuming. they share an email acct.) but all it said was "Merry Christmas". I so bad just wanted to email a reply saying "Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you too." Just so she would find it and know he's still thinking of me enough to sneak me an e-mail. Why do I feel this way? She never did anything to me. I stole so much from her. I shouldn't feel that way about her. I guess I must be jealous. I'm not even a jealous person. I'm not gonna reply to the email. I know she's been bashing me like crazy and putting ungodly bad things about me in his head. That kind of upsets me, but I guess I didn't really expect different. I wish I had it in me to write her an apology letter. But quite honestly, I'm just not sorry. What has happened to me??? I've turned into a horrible person. I'm not proud of these feelings at all. But just like I can't turn off my love for him, I can't make myself sorry about what happened. How do I do that?? I'm so glad New Years is coming. This is my chance to become a better person. I really want to. I'll allow myself this one more week to be selfish and mean! Then it's time to start over. I want to be proud of me again. Thanks for letting me vent again!!! I hope Santa was good to everyone!!!

Pal, your first sentence says it all.
Get out your Bible and turn to 1st John chapter 1, verses 7-10.
I think you'll find that a good place to start to recover your sense of what is right and wrong.
Then on to Romans chapter 8 verses 31-39.
As for your xMM, Proverbs 26:28: "A lying tongue hates its victims, and flattery causes ruin."
Pal, you WILL find all the strength you need if you search for the truth.
cl-nre
I think that wanting to be a better person, or the caring loving person you were before is a wonderful thing! Bravo to you!
Me? Well I"m very bitter and cynical and I think that I am going to be this way for a while. Do I like being this way? Of course not, but I think that I need to be this way for a while. This is what is keeping me away from him. I am angry...very angry. Alot of things from four years of a roller coaster are popping back into my head, like the awful way XOM treated me at times and the fact that he was doing another married woman for a while and she knew about me. How humiliating. Leave it up to me to fall in love and not just get some dick on the side like other women. I was loving, caring and ready to start a new life with this man that is not even worthy enough to wash my thongs.
I feel like I can either way at this point in my life. I can become the blessed virgin and not have sex with anyone (that includes my husband...long story) or I can have another affair but this time do it like a grown up. I already know someone who would be more than happy to have a sexual relationship with me but that is about it. Friends with benefits I think its called, I call it a fock buddy and I thought I was so above that. What a joke. I"m nothing but an adulteress and nothing more. All the good I've done in my life means jack now. I'm going down, and I'm going down looking like a piece of crap. I feel sorry for my children, they have me for a mother.
I don't know where I'm going from here, but I tell you this much....I'm never going back to this poor pathetic excuse for a man. I trusted him! I gave him so much of me for so long and he bailed on me in the end. He doesnt' want me to leave my husband, he always claimed that he did but in reality I bet he doesn't want me to. He doesn't have enough balls to step up to the plate and deal with the mess that he has helped create. He is a pathetic lying man that gets off on screwing other men's wives. He has no shame. I hate him, and I hate hating anyone but God help me I hate him.
SO my New years resolution won't be about becoming a better moral person. Too late for me to catch that train. I'll pick some other resolutions ...become more organized and get a six pack.
Good luck on your journey Pal.
Jazzdiva
PAL! I have been looking for your posts and hoping you are doing okay.
I imagine you are having a ton of pain - I'm sorry still but I think your attitude and general tone sound much more positive and hopeful than in the past.
Be well and know that many are thinking of you - I'm just one!
gabby
Hi Gabby, and thanks for thinking of me.
<>>
Actually, I have felt really good the past week or 2 with very little actual pain. Been a long time since I've cried over him, though I do still think of him extremely often. He still stops by my house every once in a while, and I think he wants me to feel sorry for him or something. I don't!! He's right where he chose to be!!! He called the other day to "just listen to my VM" when he thought I was still working. I caught him by surprise when I actually picked up the phone. (he was calling from an unknown line so I didn't know it was him. He sure doesn't use his cell to call me anymore!!) And just today he left me a VM saying that he stopped by to see my dad at his office. I don't even know why he needed to tell me that. If he still feels he needs all these little connections to me then why didn't he choose to be with ME??
I still have a lot of unanswered questions, and it still seems unreal that we are over sometimes, but it doesn't hurt the way it did not long ago. Even when he stops by or calls, I'm usually quite short with him, but friendly and it really doesn't set me back any. I feel I'm handling this situation much better now. I was a basketcase for a while, as you know!!
I hope all is going well with you, that you are finding strength and peace to keep you happy! The pain is less and less everyday, so I know we will all get through this. Happy holidays to you!!
Dear Pal,
I have come to notice that affairs come with alot of emotional baggage, jealousy being the main one. I began the affair in no way jealous of his wife. But as we the affair progressed so did my emotions. But that doesnt mean by no means that you are a horrible person!!! Dont be so hard on yourself.
On the go chick