I was going to wait till after x-mas...
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| Sun, 12-26-2004 - 3:03am |
well I was going to wait till after x-mas but I was so hurt after finding out that he let my house on the 24th and went over there and I think spent the night, I haven't actually spoken with him but I tried to call and he wasn’t home then I emailed him, still no response,
some background, we have been seeing each other in the open for over a month but with his mixed emotions about divorce, and his other issues, (see my other posts) things haven’t been a bed of roses
I sent him these emails, please send me lots of positive thoughts that I actually stick with this, I need all the help I can get. I still want to be with him, but self respect one the battle tonight
sent on the 24th at 10pm
Hey, I don't know what time you'll get home, it's 10 or so now, if you want to come over & eat cookies & watch movies with me and xxx, were going to be up late.
sent at 1am on the 25th
I guess you decided to spend the night at the house, I'm going to bed, have a Merry Christmas
sent at 11pm on the 25th
I don't know if you've checked your mail since last night or not, I listened to your message from toady at five, and its now past 11, so I'm guessing yes. I'm going to try and say what I need to say without sounding completely bitter because I told you to stop trying to please everyone else and do what makes you happy, and that's what your doing, so I don't have any room to bitch. I know its Christmas and you should be with your kids or family or whoever you want to be with but I can't deal with all the second guessing that comes along with being the girlfriend of a husband who still spends a lot of time with his wife. I'm not only talking about today or yesterday, its been the last few weeks. I tried to not be upset that you went shopping with her, but it s kind of hard, especially when I go in the store and several people come up and tell me there sorry to hear your back together with xxx, and am I all right? Well, no I'm not, and I haven't been for the last year and a half and its silly to think things are going to get better, I'm a slow learner, but I think I've finally figured that out. I don't want there to be hard feeling between us, I wish you the best, I just have to do what's right for me at this point, and in the long run it will be best for everyone concerned. So lets try being friends again and this time really make it work, no more saying I love you, no more sex, nothing more than friendship, I think with time we with both be happier, the pressure will be off you and I'll stop feeling like @&*$. That's my hopes anyway, that this year brings healing for both of us.
I'm going to bed now, I feel surprisingly good, considering. I'm glad I have to work tomorrow so I won’t be able to talk to him all day; I just hope he doesn’t call later tonight. Sorry this is so long, & everything, but it feels so much better to share it with someone.

sounds like a good email to me...you really are expressing what YOU need, and that isnt being selfish....just honest. The second guessing is enough to drive anyone nutso. It isn't healthy for you to be strung along while he plays house with the wife, ex wife or whatever she is. I know it hurts but what hurts more is what he is doing to you.
Just be careful with the "lets try and be friends" bit. Alot of us here have tried that and it is so hard, if not impossible. It is hard to have an intimate relationship with someone and then cut it off at the knees and say, "okay, we're buddies now". That isn't something that you can do until you don't have emotional attachment anymore. Maybe you can, just know that by keeping him in your life "as friends" still leaves the door open for hurt.
I wish you the best. Looks like Christmas really did a job on alot of us...is there a full moon or something too?
hugs
Jazzdiva