I really need help here
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| Tue, 12-28-2004 - 9:08am |
* I know this is super long.. but ANY thought is appreciated.. *
I am 21 years old, i have been dating my boyfriend (#1) for 8 years since we were 13, and we pratically grew up together.We might as well be married as close as we are n everything that we do. Well about 4 years ago, i started seeing someone who went to my school, (we went 2 diff. high schools) and we became BEST FRIENDS and were also very close, i told him everything about my current relationship and anything else i needed to because we were best friends. When my Boyfriend of 8 years got a new job that was 3rd shift, (opposite of what i had worked) and we graduated from highschool, I really started seeing the new guy.. "boyfriend" # 2 about 4 to 5 times a week during college. He was completely different than my guy, extremely attractive, outgoing, funny, and our sex life was like OFF THE CHARTS. We became VERY CLOSE. and he defiantely claimed me as his girlfriend. I only saw Boy # 1 like 1 time a week, and anytime he tried to call me i would lie and say i was with friends. Well this went on for almost 2 years.. neither one of them knew about each other at all.I continued to live 2 seperate lives. Things got REALLY bad, i started meeting #2's family and becoming close with them... i honestly felt terrible, but i didn't want anyone to get hurt.. and i knew it was so selfish.. what 1 couldn't give i got from the other and vice-versa. Anyways, i had decided to break-up with #1, (due to me accidentaly leaving my phone in his car and he answered it when #2 had called, he had questions.. big time.. and i avoided answering, i told him me and #2 were JUST friends) but in the midst of our break-up #1 showed up at my house to confess how he didn't want to let me go.. ect. as he was confessing outside of my house #2 showed up.. and all broke out. it was a disaster. I took #1 inside with me, and told him everything i had done, how i had been dating the other guy, and everything that i said was a lie. he went nuts, and got sick.. ( yeah it was awful) i told #2 to leave, and said i would call him the next day, ( he looked at the situation as if my ex had showed up) OKAY, well long story short after # 1 found out what i had done, i thought we could work things out.. i was wrong.. 3 weeks into trying to work it out.. i started seeing the other guy again. Well 2 years later .. here i am. Same situation,NEITHER ONE KNOWS ABOUT EACH OTHER!! i can't let either 1 go, and i know im in the wrong. I have graduated from College and im starting to grow up now.. i know i have to do something.. #2 just bought a brand new house of his own, and is wanting me to move in with him.. #1 still has his job, and i never see him.. but our relationship is SO SERIOUS... i mean 8 years..can i let that go?? but a part of me, wants to be happy with #2 and move on.. how can i do this? Is there anyone out there who has ever been through a similar situation?? i know that it sounds bizarre.. but any advice, is GREATLY APPRECIATED. or other questions too..
Thanks for reading

Rubie,
You have to break up with your first love. You've already stolen 4 years of his life that you shouldnt have. He couldve been through the pain and gone onto healing and then have been happy with someone else by now. Quit being selfish. Why are you perpetuating the old relationship when you are in a new one? IVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THIS. Because you dont want to hurt someone? DONT YOU KNOW THAT LYING TO SOMEONE HURTS MORE THEN BREAKING UP DOES WHEN THEY FIND OUT? NO ONE WANTS TO BE TREATED LIKE A FOOL!!!!!!!!!!! it EFFING HURTS MORE!!! TO BE SEEN AS AN IDIOT!!!
trust me...ive been made a fool of....by selfish cowards who go and get what they want and forget to break up with someone...lol...
You were young when it started...of course you are going to have relationships with others as we evolve and change. Its ridiculous to think that you wouldnt. That is why if i was a parent I'd never let a teenager have a serious relationship...only date...and see many. As a matter of fact I am one of those people who think people shouldnt marry before 30 in our society LOL (in my case it was easy to avoid that).
Break up with them, tell them why EXACTLY, do it nicely and do it so that they come away feeling good about themselves...take all the blame, but dont LIE if they have something to learn about themselves and yourself..... they cannot learn a damn thing from the pain if they are left in the dark (Thanks Charles). Some may not choose to learn...but the lesson will be repeated until its learned. STAND UP AND BE A WOMAN!
Sorry for yelling...some people just dont hear things clear enough if you dont.
Lizzie
Hi Rubie,
Well, I cannot say I have been in the same situation. I am married who just ended an A with a MM and I am still trying to get over him, so take my two cents for what its worth.
Everyone has the chance to control their own future and their own destiny. You are still single and while you are definitely still having an A and cheating on not one, but two people, keep in mind you are still single. You need to end it with one of them and confess to the other one. You may lose both in this, but you are the one who chose to go back and get involved again. They both might not be this forgiving this time.
Your own quote speaks for itself:
#2 just bought a brand new house of his own, and is wanting me to move in with him.. #1 still has his job, and i never see him.. but our relationship is SO SERIOUS... i mean 8 years..can i let that go?? but a part of me, wants to be happy with #2 and move on.. how can i do this?
It sounds like you would be happier with #2, but feel obligated to stay with #1 because of all of the time you have put into this relationship. Marriage is a BIG, BIG, HUGE, HUGE deal and before you think about moving in with one or marrying the other, you need to decide 100% who you want to be with and break off all ties with the other man.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that you are happy with your decision.. Keep you chin up!
(((HUGS)))
Rubie,
I wish I had some magic words to tell you how to resolve the situation. Unfortunately, I don't. All I can tell you is that you need to make a choice. It is selfish and unfair of you to keep playing this game. That's not a judgement. I did it, too. Only worse, because I was married. You need to choose. It sounds to me like the one you're really into is #2. You're probably just holding on to #1 because of history, and that's no reason to hang on to him. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to have fabulous sex like you've been having behind his back for the last, what, 4 years? He deserves to have someone who loves him. Or, perhaps on some level you really don't think #2 is the one for him, but you don't want to let him go, either. Any way you look at it, you've being incredibly selfish. Choose one and let the other go, and then STICK WITH IT!!! To not do so is just having your cake and eating it too, and too much cake isn't good for us!
Good luck