What is he doing to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
What is he doing to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:22pm

xMM called my work phone this morning.
He sounded sad - I mean, god, when does he not sound sad..........or is it only to make me think that he is misserable?

He said for Xmas that his inlaws are taking him and his W and her siblings to Hawaii at the end of January. He of course said that he does not want to go........and I said then dont. He got a little upset and said he just does not want to go but cant get out of it.....and that he knows that I dont understand about why he has not filed and this vacation thing.........so this is what I told him.

"Everything that you are doing and not doing means something.....you are wearing your ring, you are living at home, and you have not pursued a divorce to the extent that you expressed to me months ago. I am not stupid, I know that you do not want a relationship with me and we will not be together". I also mentioned to him that maybe it would be better if I did take that job offer in NY............because I knew that he would never be with me and it is too hard to be here.

He said that wearing his ring and being at home means nothing......that he hates living with her but that is his home too....and until she and he do file he has to live there - he can not afford to rent another place again on his own. He said he did not want me to go, that he cant think of me being across the US........but: "Are you making the decision based on whether we will be together or not???" I said no, because you dont want to be in a relationship with me........
He said "I never said those words". I said you did not have too.
I did break down - I said I cant talk about this at work, I would rather discuss this in person or on the phone after work.........and he said that he was scared.
Scared?
I asked why.........he said "because I cant keep myself away from you in a room full of people, I am afraid that I would loose control if I am alone with you".

JERK
JERK
JERK

Last week he was desperate to see me............NC for his stopped, I have received at least 5 phone calls in the past 2 weeks........and some of those Voice mails made me believe that he missed me so much - his public displays of affection in front of our friends........
SO WHY IS HE CALLING ME AT ALL
WHY IS HE bothering to do this if he is to much of a coward to file?
What is he doing?

Is he really this confused like he said this morning.......no, not confused, he said he was frusterated. Frusterated with not being able to get free - his feelings for me, etc.........
IDIOT - I am an IDIOT............And I dont want to love him anymore.

Someone help me to hate him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:31pm

Anna,

Hang in there. Stick to what you know is good for you: when he is free, then you can have a relationship. Otherwise, just as you told him, actions speak louder than words. He is seeking comfort from you; but while you are married and he is married, there isn't anything you can do without risking consequences you don't want. For your own peace of mind, make decisions based on what you would not be ashamed to tell your friends and family. You don't need the added stress of sneaking around, etc., especially if you are heading into a divorce yourself. That is going to be difficult enough without bearing the burden of his sadness, too.

Just my 2 cents. I really feel for you.

Newsgal

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:08pm

What is he doing to you? Anything he feels like doing.

I love my XOM to no end. Well guess what? Having been a cake eater fence sitter myself I know the deal. I would say anything to XOM because I loved him and wanted him to be my future so badly but I didn't move fast enough on getting that divorce for numerous reasons. TAlking about it and doing it are two totally different things.

If you really feel like this man loves you and wants you then why are you panicking? Let him get divorced and if you still love him then you can have a relationship with him. A REAL relationship with him. In the meantime you can keep some of your sanity and your dignity by not running around like Madame X anymore? Sneaking and lying....it all gets so old after a while.

Pull yourself together and stop letting his words sway your judgment. I purposely am not answering XOM's calls so I can feel what I want to feel about him...and not hear him sweet talk me into seeing things his way anymore. It isn't like he is purposefully being mainipulative, but he certainly knows how to turn things around so that I am not angry and so that i still want him in my life. I know that is my story, yours may be completely different. But look at what a wreck you are because you had a conversation with him?

What is he doing to you??? Obviously anything that he feels like because you are talking to him. NC is NC for a reason, although all of us try and find ways around it.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:19pm

Help you hate him?? Ok....

He says all these great wonderful things about how he loves you and how he can't stop thinking about you, blah blah blah. Anna, these are just words, what are his ACTIONS saying????????????????

He is going on VACATION with her. He says he doesn't want to, but he is anyway. All he has to do is say no.

He hasn't filed yet. He says he wants to, he says he wants to be free, but he hasn't. All he has to do is get the paperwork and start the process. He Has NOT done that yet.

No matter what his WORDS to you are now, he is saying these because he is scared of losing you, but he is not ready to take the next step.

He has done NOTHING to keep you.

It's really not that hard. Go get the papers and file if he is that unhappy. That is all it takes.

His actions are saying he is staying at home.

Big hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 6:39pm

My question to you is how long has he been saying that he is going to file???
I have heard this too. My MM came to me one day and asked when could I be ready to leave my h? Then he said that give him 9 months and then he would have everything in order, well 9 months came and went and he was no closer to leaving than when he came to me that one day. I guess the point that I am trying to make is this: Love conquers all, if he really and truly wants to be with you nothing else should matter, cause if he doesnt want to be with her than why oh why does he stay??? I finally figured this out after 4 years of waiting. That eventhough he wasnt happy with w he never was going to leave her. So maybe you might want to reevalute this situation and find out where he really stands on this.

Good luck otgoc

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 7:33pm

I don't see it as "why is he calling me at all". I see it as WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING TO HIM?


From the various posts it's clear you've explained EXACTLY how you feel and why you have to end your affair:


FOR YOU.


NOTHING xMM says to you has any meaning for a "life together with you" until AFTER he has finalized his divorce.


You want help hating him? I can't do that. xMM is a miserable person creating adn living in his own misery. He's not worth your time.


You want help on focusing on the rest of your life, and your own family, and relationships with fully available men in open and honest relationships? That's what I see as your focus for the New Year.


Don't you?


I think if you exrcse some real discipline by hanging up on xMM WITHOUT any conversation that your intention for a different life will sink in to xMM's head. He created his "misery" all the way to Hawaii. HIS PROBLEM to solve, not yours........


You're SINGLE. He's not.


End of story and affair.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 8:34pm

<<>>

He is doing exactly whatever you permit, enable and encourage.

If you don't want the drama, cut him out of your life.

If you do want the drama, then quit complaining when you get it.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 1:32pm

I'll do my best to help you to hate him. It's not that difficult with this guy because the conversation you described makes it pretty clear he's got the emotional maturity of a teenager. Yeech, what are you doing wasting time with this guy? He said he was scared? Scared because he might lose control of himself if he were in the same room with you. I'm sorry, but that's a little over the top, don't you think? Sure, I can baby talk with GFs and get goofy sentimental, but I still got my pride. The pathetic part of it is that he's using this kind of whiny, poor me talk to keep you hanging on his arm. I'm sure you've asked if he sleeps with his wife. I'll bet he said something like they haven't slept with each other in months. I'll bet it's a crock. This guy just screams neediness and he'll take what he can get from as many willing females as he can, in my opinion. The sad part of it is that there will be women who will want to mother him through all his troubles and affairs. Don't be one of them.

Skip

affairpxt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 9:09am

HI Anna

Just my two cents here...I really feel your pain and know what you must be going through with him trying to convince you with his so called misery. I had the same problem with my xOM and even his last msg to me over xmas had a plea about him being so sick, just in the hope of getting me to respond and make contact. Some hope he had!!! But now back to you..

I doubt anyone can help you to hate him, however we can give our opinions and help you to look in the right direction

You see, from what you write, this man is not trying hard enough or does not want to let go from either side.. he wants to "have his cake and eat it too".

Be strong and focus on what you feel is good for YOU. Look more towards what made you really want to break up with him.. Try not to think too much of what was and what you had between you. That was the start of the A when everything seemed all too rosy and no one was better compared to him, he was the sun, moon and stars at the time. Its bound to appear so so fine.

Now you are looking towards your future, and to better your life hopefully with someone who gives you his all. So once again I would say be strong and think first of yourself and how much happier and relaxed you would be without having to live as per his life all the time.. your life being ruled by HIS family vacations and HIS decision on the divorce. Do you really want that Anna?

Thats all I can say, my prayers are with you
All the best for this New Year
Hugs
Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 8:15pm

Hey girl! I'm at the point of leaving my MM because I realize I am on the short end of the stick. He tells me just what I want to hear to keep me going, to keep me in it, but I don't see any move toward a D either. He doesn't have a bad marriage. It's just "dead". What the hell is that? Bored? I add the excitement factor? Like that's going to be a reason for him to give up his entire life for me?

Think of your situation this way. It's not just his W and kids. They have other family, friends, co-workers, etc. that they have met and have in their life. An entire history together. It's not just leaving one person, but an entire life and all the people involved with that life. People that support them will turn on him, his and her family may turn on him. The kids will be messed up. A D has a fallout effect. I know, I've been through one. When my ex left me for another woman, all our friends and my family and some of his own turned on him. He had to start over with the new woman. When the actual decision has to be made, the reality hits and many can't do it. Even if they are unhappy, they stay because it's just easier to. In my case, my ex left. But with the MM I am involved with now, I'm not so sure he will.

You've already told him you're done. Don't look back. If he really intends to be with you he will file and seek you out. Until then, move on. Give yourself some "me" time. You can't expect to feel fulfilled by being involved with someone. Be happy by yourself first. And geez, if it's just about missing the sex, invest in a good sex toy!