Shaking off the addiction
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| Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:55pm |
Hi, girls (and guys)...just wanted to say that on the other side of all this darkness is some light and real comfort and happiness.
After all the drama and insanity right before Christmas (he sent my family a card, etc.) we traveled to see family, and being together like that away from everything made me feel closer to H. I did suffer plenty of withdrawal Christmas Eve and Christmas Day; I was flooded with memories of conversations making plans to be together. I suffered through thoughts of him with his new girlfriend (more on that in a moment). I wondered if he would even propose to her...he is so anxious to be in a secure relationship.
It really was like I imagine withdrawal would be. I have felt this pain before with him, but this was different. It's like I can feel myself literally getting him out of my system. And it feels GREAT!!!! What has been so hard is feeling unresolved, that there is something I could do or should do to find happiness...or feeling stupid, used and wasted if this doesn't result in a "happily ever after." We like to think that we are smart, desirable. But we can't look to xOM to make us feel that way.
I spent some time yesterday at my new station, where I will be starting work soon. Actually, looks like I may go to work there sooner than planned; my news director indicated he might let me out of my contract early if he can find a replacement. (I am a weather anchor...the weather "girl" as some would say...by the way, if you haven't guessed. I was a hard news reporter for a long time but found more opportunities to have a flexible schedule and get paid more by doing weather.) I am so happy about the idea of being in a new place, away from xOM and those terrible awkward moments of working together and putting on a "show." It's hard enough being polite in the office, but when we have to be on air together it is torture.
Anyway...I actually have to go in tonight to work on some things, and he is working, but I am going to time it so that I get there after he is gone or at least going home.
There's hope. I can feel it now more than ever.

Oh, a note about the girlfriend and an eye-opener about these kinds of relationships. I was getting my hair cut Thursday, and the stylist (who always wants to gossip about the goings-on of people at the station and competing stations in the market) says that she had seen him with the girlfriend and his parents and said that things seemed "forced." She knows he is recently divorced. She said something to the effect of "He needs to be careful with his emotions. When someone goes through a divorce like that, the person they turn to to heal their broken heart ends up getting left behind once he feels strong again." This almost made me cry as I was sitting there. I was thinking, "I was that person who helped heal his broken heart!" In fact, he had told me many times that I was what gave him the strength to deal with his situation and to follow through with the divorce. Now, he is with this much younger girl, who seems fairly immature to me. But remembering how quickly he started talking engagement and marriage to me, I would not be surprised if she turned up with a ring very soon. I actually feel that he could be on the verge of repeating his mistakes (his xW is also younger, immature, etc.). But that's his problem. I can't be responsible for his happiness or worry about it any more. I did everything I could to care for him, but it was wrong. So now I have to focus on my family and making things right.
Right now, I feel my hair stylist has got to be one of the wisest women on earth.
Newsgal -
Your strength is so inspiring! I too, went away to visit family for the holidays. Everyone adored my H - and I felt somewhat aggrevated by that. I found myself wondering what they would have said about xOM. Would they have liked him? Does it even matter??
This trip was a big deal for me and did bring H & I closer (I hadn't seen my family in 10+ yars). I was glad he was there for support.
For some reason though, when we got home, and I checked my email, my heart sank when there wasn't one from xOM...it was odd. He hasn't emailed me in months. I guess it's just more bad habits that need to be broken.
The holidays were bittersweet. I found myself wondering about xOM - where he was, who he was with, and if he was thinking the same about me. Our flight back east was rerouted due to bad weather conditions and we actually ended up flying into xOM's favorite city. That sucked. It was where he wanted us to get married. UGH - ok, enough, I'm sorry, I'm getting off track.
Good for you for feeling strong! Try to send a little of it my way ;-)
Diva