new here...really want to end it
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| Thu, 12-30-2004 - 12:05pm |
Hi all, first of all thanks so much for this board and all the posters. Just reading everyone's stories and advice given etc..has already been a lot of help to me.
Here is my story...I have been having an A with a MM for a little over year. I am also M, and we both have small children. The really messed up part is that I have know the OM and his W for about 7 years. My H is OM's best friend...I often wonder how I ever got into this situation. I was always the type that thought as a woman I would never go near another womans man.....no matter what...but alas here I am.
This all started when OM and I started spending lots of time together. His W works all weekends and my H works nights. I was watching his kids to help him out, picking them up after school. He would come pick them up, I would make us dinner we would hang out. After a while we just started really enjoying one anothers friendship and were becoming too familiar with each other. We shared a kiss and the rest is history.
My H is a wonderful man...so much more caring and supportive and kind! But I have never had a physical attraction to anyone like I do OM. Sex is wonderful, while I dont even want sex with H. I wish I did...why cant I feel this way for H. I feel like I love OM, but sometimes I think it is only physical. OM is also so emotional, a little nuts too...lol....I seem to be attracted to his unstableness , if you will, for some reason. Basically I need help. I told him last night that we have to end this...Ive said it so many times before that he is probably thinking "yeah right" but I really mean it. I tried to really talk about it, but he got mad and defensive. I told him that neither of us is ready to take the plunge, tear up of families etc...and I dont want to spend another year on this emotional rollercoaster...he did not want to hear it. I know that it will hurt for a while, but time will heal me. The hard part is just how much I long to hold him and feel his body...I love that feeling, its just so passionate with him. I guess I am addicted to love or lovemaking.
Well if your still reading, thanks...any and all advice is greatly needed and appreciated. I see that my first step needs to be NC. I think the new year is a great time to start and I am really, really ready. I just want to focus on my family...the last year has been soooo draining!
thanks
Rae

Mama
You sound like your addicted to the high that comes from danger and risk, this addiction could very well be chemical based, you do not sound like your in love at all.
If you and XMM were to run away together and remove the elements of life that stimulate the danger and excitment your relationship would come to a quick and painfull end they same way to co-junkies would if you removed there drugs, it's the high that you get together that keeps you together.
I would like to suggest to you that this man is not your husbands friend he is in fact his worst enemy a liar and a back stabber to your husband. You friend does not have a sexual relationship with your spouse, so in fact you are sleeping with the enemy.
Check out these links and see if any of the info seems to apply to XMM.
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/women.html
NO CONTACT is the only way to go but do not expect him to accept it, he will have no interest in respecting your wishs only his own.
Good luck
Free
Hey Free,
Thanks so much for the response. Everything you said, I really agree with. Oh and the narcissism articles really hit the nail on the head. I know there has to be no contact...that has been my mantra all day. He has called, I have not answered. I just wish I didnt want to talk to him sooo much. I know I can do this though. I do feel like scum of the earth especially since H thinks this is his friend and my H trusts me so much. I cant wait for some time to go by so this is not so damn hard. I really want this to be over.
Thanks again!
Mama
It takes time to get over this you have to expect to go through some pretty rough periods of withdrawl like you would from any addictive agent, they come and go in cycles but if you refuse to cave in to the tempations or his efforts to draw you back into the affair the pull will decrease over time.
The first three weeks tends to be a bit hellish but many of the women here have made it and you can to, you deserve better then to be his EGO TRIP.
Life is much better affair free.
You are STRONG
Free
It's a common enough theme that a marriage is good on all sides except the passion and intimacy. Good for you for valuing what your H offers and seeing this OM for what he is.
No doubt it will be difficult to maintain NC given that your respective families appear to be close but I hope you can stay strong and do what needs to be done for yourself and your happiness.
Good luck.
MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MS