I told him get to get lost - his W calls
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| Thu, 12-30-2004 - 2:47pm |
well...........after my posts yesterday I was pretty upset.
So, because I promised that I would call him after work - I did.
I told him that I did not believe him anymore........that someone who supports me told me that "no one who is talking or planning to divorce, goes on vacation together".
I said - you know how I feel about you - regardless of your confusion, I know that you care too........but I can not have contact with you anymore - at all - none....until you file for a divorce and I also.
I said that even if he does file later this spring.........that if he goes to Hawaii with her and her family...........he will never know me as he did again - EVER. We would only be friends in the sence that he would see me at a Halloween party when I flew in from NY!!!!
I got the same........I cant stop thinking about you, I think about you every night, morning, I hear phrases and I think of you and your funny mixed up words, I want to call you every day, I want to rent that house again and be with you......but I also dont want an affair, I still want a relationship......
I HUNG UP
On the way home.................I felt worse than when we decided to end the A to "Do it right"...............All I could think was - This was love, This was Love!!/?? Did he? NO???? YEss???? I did not cry.......but I smoked alot.
After dinner the phone rang - I heard my H on the phone and he was saying things like..."its ok.....go without him.......its better for you to go back...."
So later - I went to the study and asked my H what was that?????
He said that _____ (xMM) told his w that he had told her he did not want to go to Hawaii.....she said that he had too.......he ripped up the ticket. My H said she was going to talk to her mom about going home (out of the country!!) He said she was furious but said that she new things were over.
Hummmmmmmmmmmmm
NOW WHAT????? He heeded my warning.
Do I stick to NC until he files?????
Should I still think that he was lying???????

Well, this one isn't easy, is it? I don't know what I would do. I would like to think that I would maintain NC until MM filed. But my heart tells me that I probably wouldn't.
I would like you to remember something: I don't know what the state of your marriage is (I am still new here and it's hard to remember everyone's background without a written 'program' -- I don't know how long you've been married -- I don't know if you have children), but no relationship is going to be heaven forever. There is going to come a time, within 3-7 years after the wedding, when the stars are going to stop sparkling, and whatever relationship you're in is going to take work and sometimes hard work. If your marriage isn't that bad, I'd stay with 'the devil you know' and work on it.
A'S are WONDERFUL. They just aren't a true picture of reality. You don't know what you're getting into until the relationship is out of the dark and allowed to be see in the light of day. I'm at the stage now -- well, I was at that stage a long time ago -- where I know that if my XMM ever got a divorce, I would not want to be with him. It was three years of getting to know him (a little) and coming to realize that I did not want to be with a man who cheated on his wife and couldn't tell me the truth about much of anything. It was just that simple. And I knew my love was NOT going to change him.
Please be careful -- you could just be setting yourself up for A LOT more heartache.
Karena
"Do I stick to NC until he files?????"
YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES.
Free
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Now what, what?! Nothing - not a single thing - has changed from yesterday. Or the day before. Etc. Words (whether they are first hand, second hand, third hand or bazillionth hand) ain't worth the breath it takes to utter them.
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Has he? Who says? The woman who is protecting her marriage from you? The man who hasn't yet initiated divorce proceedings against his wife? Or the man to whom you are married? You are now taking the word of his wife (whom you thought only yesterday was your enemy & a liar) because what she says is what you happen to want? Wake up, Anna.
If I'm understanding correctly, his wife told your husband and your husband told you. This isn't even as good as second-hand information, seeing as it's third or fourth hand! Wait and see whether he boards the plane bound for Hawaii. I can tell you from personal experience that torn up tickets are very easily replaced and depending on the airline there are often no tickets issued which can be torn up! LOL
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No, you stick to NC until such time as the divorce decree absolute for both your divorces has been signed by all four relevant parties. Unless, of course, you are enjoying all this kerfuffle at which point you really need to quit complaining about it, eh?
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Honey, you should think everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie and you'll likely be right *most* if not all of the time!
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Thanks,
Lizzie
Posie,
I'm sorry, I know you aren't too fond of me but I had to tell you since I'm lurking on the EAA board that your posts in alot of the threads are like watching that old HBO show "Scared Straight". You should have your own board and call it "I'm Ready to Hear the Truth".
It's easier to hear someone lay it out on the table for someone else - we tend to get defensive when its our own life choices that are being addressed and we are called to the carpet on them.
Happy New Year,
Faith
Liz
The difference is that MOST men that say they are going to leave there wife never do, they often convince the OW they will so she leaves her husband but they stay home and have the best of both worlds. The O/W ends up alone often with little $$ waiting beside the phone.
JMHO
Free
Hiya Faith,
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How strange that you'd make such an assumption.
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Sadly, we don't have HBO here in the UK. I can imagine the premise for such a show, however.
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Well, I think that if people are willing to put it out there on a public message board, they are automatically willing to hear the truth. Granted, it ain't always going to be what one wants to hear. Devil's advocate can be an interesting position and sometimes just sometimes it invites a reader (not necessarily the post recipient) to explore possibilities & perspectives they've not previously considered.
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Absolutely.
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Try not to assume that I've not had my arse called out onto the carpet or had my life raked over the coals of many others' devil's advocacy. I sunk to lows that make most affair partners look like girl scouts. Rampant justification for a grossly distorted sense of entitlement was something I had down to a fine art, Faith.
When your father is a medically diagnosed highly functioning sociopath, you grow up learning most of the subtle tricks of manipulation & control and that responsibility/ownership for one's actions is something that is best flicked onto the shoulders of those you can unwittingly dupe into accepting the fall for you. As a result of a rather messed up upbringing, I am keenly attuned to spotting manipulation & responsibility ducking. I am or at least was the Bullshi77er's Bullshi77er. You can seldom kid a kidder, as the saying goes.
It's taken 11mos of weekly therapy sessions for me to begin to see life & people in terms of something other than what good or what use they are to me personally. I have had the task of discovering for myself and developing what is for most people an innate sense of right & wrong because my life & love maps were vandalised by being raised by a sociopath for whom social mores & values & integrity were things you told people you had, but had no obligation to observe yourself.
Really, the only guide I had to right & wrong was to work out what my father would have most likely done in a given situation, and to choose the opposite. It was a rather feral upbringing and one I'm actively working to overcome in therapy in order that my own daughter isn't doomed to the kind of upbringing I had. The buck stops with me. If I fail to break the cycle, it perpetuates. Failure is not an option so I work very hard, indeed, in my individual counselling rather than paying to warm a therapist's seat.
Now that I know what truth, honesty, morals & integrity actually consist of, I see just how precious they really are. To be honest, I could care less whether other people observe truth, honesty, morals and/or integrity themselves. I'm not an integrity monitor and it would be pretty damn hypocritical for me to even attempt to be one.
Where I take exception is when people try to kid themselves or me that they (general) are doing anything but exactly whatever they have chosen for themselves. We have free will and we use it. As Captains of our very own ships, where we are right now is exactly wherever we have plotted our own course. Every single choice, decision, and action we make moves the rudder this way or that. Equally, our every choice, decision and action has consequences (good & bad) not only for ourselves but for others, too.
Ultimately, there's not a single one of us here who is a victim. No one can do to us what we do not allow, permit, enable or encourage. If we do not respect ourselves enough to set appropriate boundaries with others, then we lose the right to be surprised when they disrespect us by overstepping those ill-maintained boundaries. If we do not value or respect ourselves, why should anyone else do so?
Happy New Year, Faith.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
"where we are right now is exactly wherever we have plotted our own course. Every single choice, decision, and action we make moves the rudder this way or that. Equally, our every choice, decision and action has consequences (good & bad) not only for ourselves but for others, too. Ultimately, there's not a single one of us here who is a victim. No one can do to us what we do not allow, permit, enable or encourage. If we do not respect ourselves enough to set appropriate boundaries with others, then we lose the right to be surprised when they disrespect us by overstepping those ill-maintained boundaries. If we do not value or respect ourselves, why should anyone else do so?"
Well said, Posie.
Faith
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Learned the hardest ways imaginable.
It's often said that smart people learn from their mistakes. Well, smarter people learn from others' mistakes. Be smart, Faith.
Posie