thank goodness its almost over...

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
thank goodness its almost over...
7
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 11:49am

Happy New Year everyone. I am so glad that I got through new years even and that the holiday season is almost over. this was a bad week for me folks, worse than last year and I can't figure out why...last year this time I wasn't speaking to XOM either.

My phone rang right after midnight and I have a good feeling that it was him sending me one of his stupid messages. He has been known to do that in the past. It made me feel good and bad at the same time. I popped a Xanax and went to bed.

I am going to do my hair and makeup now and put on my happy face. I have a family thing to go to. I just wanted to wish everyone here a Happy and Healthy new year. This board has given me strength and a place to vent. This has been a very bad month for me, at times I felt like I was going to do myself in. I hope that it is uphill from here. My children need me.

hugs

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 10:16pm
Im new to this board and do not know your situation. But, I do know the feeling of wanting to do myself in because of all the heart ache!! Thank god for our children!! I feel bad because somedays this A has had me on such an emotional rollar coaster. It hasnt been fair to them. hugs, CK
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 10:53pm
I've wanted to do myself in too. I don't even have kids to keep me from doing it. I wanted kids with xmm...have never wanted them with anyone else. Now I'm sitting here alone at a friggin' computer on a Saturday night...and every night. I wish that I had people around me...counting on me to get things done every day. On my days off now...I can barely think of a reason to get out of bed. I have big plans in my head...of things that I can do to distract me from thinking about him...but I rarely find the will to do them. I don't know if it's better or worse since I told him that we couldn't be "friends" and not to call me. Because now there is really nothing. That was 2 days ago and I still think about him all damned day...but I have no idea what he's doing now...or if he's thinking of me(I know that I shouldn't care.) I thought that NC was going to make me stronger...but I feel as weak as ever. It's been a month since he ended it...I want to move on.
People think that I am such a strong, independent, confident & successful woman. I sit here and think about how I am none of those things.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 11:29pm
Love and heartache has the ability to humble us, to destroy us. You can be a strong independent woman but unrequited love is enough to weaken us. We have no choice but to go on and live this life that we have been given. Having children to take care of during all this has made my life harder, yet I guess it forces me to think of someone other than myself and my pain.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 8:12pm

Women -- repeat after me: NO MAN IS WORTH THIS. CERTAINLY not even THINKING of 'doing yourself in.' This pain will go away. And, remember, you don't really miss him. You miss how you FELT when he was around.

Look at it this way -- if XMM/XOM is SO GREAT, how come every other woman in the world isn't after him?

I couldn't believe that my XMM wasn't cheating on me. For one thing, if he cheated on his wife, he would cheat on me. Secondly, I was so attracted to him, I couldn't believe EVERY woman wasn't attracted to him. Except no other women were attracted to him. Other than as a grandfather-type! LOL THAT will tell you how old he was! :-) (He looked/looks about 10 years younger than he is -- and he could STILL get it up -- probably Viagra.)

If you really can't get out of bed or feel shaky a month after the breakup, go see your doctor for a little -- and I mean LITTLE -- medication to get your through. Or see a therapist. Or both. Don't do this to yourself. HE ISN'T WORTH IT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 9:51pm
I would never do myself in...my mom would kill me :)
And today I stopped telling myself that he is worth it...he WAS to me...but as it stands now...he is NOT worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself that the situation is what it is and there is nothing that I can change except for the way I deal with this.
I have some really good days...where I see things clearly...and I have some really bad days. Today was a good day. I haven't talked to xmm in 3 days since I told him that I can't do the "friend" thing. He text messaged me tonight telling me that he hates the way things turned out and that he will always be here for me when I need a friend.
Blah, blah, blah. He is the very LAST person I need as a friend...I strongly question his intelligence now for even sending me that. Anyway...I did not reply- YAY for me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 10:15pm

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now -- I hope you'll be there for me when I have a really bad day and I want to call him! LOLOLOLOLOLOL Seriously, it's over. Dear God, I thought the damned holidays would never end. LOLOLOLOLOL god, it was difficult some days. I HATE the holidays.

I never even drove by his house -- not once in three years -- but he did loan me his cabin for a week's vacation. Then when I saw how beautifully the cabin was decorated (and I Mean B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L -- and it's just a damned cabin!) I realized what the inside of his home must look like (he makes A LOT more money than I do). Then one day he slipped and called his home his "sanctuary" -- he could be a real jerk. I'm glad I'm out. If I ever decide to go back or even TRY to go back, I'll come here and let you kick some sense into me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 11:11am
Hi crissy, I know right where your comming from. I'm single or should say divorced.... 9 yrs now, my daughter is living several states away, she's 22 now. I have been in an A a litle over 2 yrs now and have tried to end it or at least I have wanted to want to end it, went a week w n/c could'nt do it. I have tried the other board as has been suggested to me but I don't relat to those woman. I to have thought about ending it all not just because of mm but like you I have no other distractions... husband children , no home life. I have tried dating... don't like any one I find. I go out, tried bowling, I do go to the Y and work, so does mm. I cry every night I don't even like watching TV any more, I just want to sleep. New Years eve, I had a date with a friend, thought it would be good for me, wrong just made me think about what he was doing. I'm on anti depressants and xanax as well as ambien because I can't sleep. Well after gettin home from New Years's party, I decided I just wantd to sleep for a couple of days. My anti depressants and my xanax look just alike, so stupid me take 14 celexa and 2 xanax.... no wonder I did'nt sleep... could'nt understand it until I looked at the bottles. duh... I love this mm so much I can't imagine him not in my life. I try god please beleive me when I say I try. This is really really out there, but I foud this web sight by accident ( god you guys are going to think I'm crazy or totally loosing it) but it was about casting spells, don't really beleive, but I paid and requested one any way.. I guess we'll see it's suppose to be cast jan 10. Please the rest of you reading this don't be too harsh with me, I have had some harsh things said and did'nt post for a while, we all hurt in a different way and I used to be a stron woman but I don't even know who I am any more. crissy just know I know your pain of being alone and how desperate we can somtimes get. If you have'nt already get counsleing, yea I know the crazy lady telling you to get help, but I am in counsling.
My heart goes out to you, hugs
kat