Just ended it 2+ year A with MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Just ended it 2+ year A with MM
6
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 3:44pm

God, I hope did the right thing. I just had to do it. I felt like I was losing my dignity. but, oh, we do love each other. I've known him for 15 years, lost touch for about 7 years in there and when I got a D, I ran into him and found out he had just gotten married. We started our A a year after he got married. It hurts, it hurts so bad. They have no kids, no plans to have kids, I don't know why he stays. Comfort I guess. But, i told him a couple of months ago that if something didn't change in terms of his availability, then I'd have to end it by end of year. Nothing changed, I ended it. I had to. Part of me wonders if I had held on just a little longer then maybe he would leave his W. But, I don't think so. He would have kept it here as long as I could do it. I did it, for so long, so willingly and understanding. i never asked him to leave his W, I only said I would love to be with him more. He was kind, gentle. He loves me, I know he does. He is hurting now too, I know. I won't go back though. I can't. I deserve so much more. I just want to know from you all, when does the hope that he will leave his W end? I don't want to be waiting for that call forever to say he can't live without me. I know its only been 2 days and my emotions are raw, but I do need to let it go. HOW DO I LET IT GO? Missing him so much. I'm watching the Redskins game right now (my favorite team) and I know he is thinking about me as he is watching it wherever he is. he's thinking about me, missing me, wishing he could call me. OUCH!

Thanks for reading my babble. Just need to get it out.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 4:08pm

At one point or another they will tell you anything to stay in the comfort zone. (He was having his cake and eating it to.) You did the right thing. Why be attached to someone who is married when you are single. You have the chance to make a clean start, go for it. The affairs are just to painful and can get messy at times. Hope you can do the right thing. Oh by the way I am watching the Dolphins game. Seems like they are going to loose again Its touch and go. Well I wish you lots of luck and I hope you make the right choice. It is not easy to end things but keep the NO CONTACT it truley helps.

Hugs
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 4:27pm

You did the right thing. No doubt about it. You told him what you would do if he didn't leave. He didn't leave. You did what you said you were going to do. Now, if what you want to hear is that your ending it is going to jolt him into leaving his wife -- the odds are overwhelmingly against you. So don't go back. Besides, like I keep saying -- do you really want to be with a man who cheats on his wife (only a year after the wedding)?? I don't care how 'kind' and 'gentle' he is.

Now, how do you let go? In time. With time. It's a grieving process -- just as though someone you loved with all your heart died. The first time I ended it, I was in so much pain I thought I was going to die. So when he called, I went back. IT FINALLY DAWNED ON ME that I had only two choices: (1) be in a lot of pain within the affair OR (2) be in a lot of pain (initially) NOT in the affair. I finally opted to end the affair when I realized that I was going to be in pain no matter which option I chose. At least with option (2) I knew that, eventually, I would no longer be in pain. And it's happening. I'm almost recovered (not healed -- that takes more time -- but to the point where I'm not always in a great deal of pain). I used to think about him all day long. Now I don't. And I'm really having a good time with my life. And in some ways I miss that too -- that thinking of him all day long and waiting for him to call or e-mail. (Is that dumb or what?)

If you go back to him, you start back at the very beginning of recovery. You're just prolonging the grieving process.

I would like to be in love again. I would like to be in love again more than I miss him. He could be a real jerk. Being in love was wonderful. LOL Maybe someday I will fall in love with a single man who is emotionally available. Until that time, I have a lot of things to do with my life.

Wish you a good new year!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 4:30pm

Other,

Listen to me.

If he wanted to be with you he would be.

Unless he is in prison, there is ALWAYS a way. People do what they want to do. Obligations, fear of getting caught, whatever - none of these things stand in the way if the man truly wants to be with you - for an hour or a lifetime.

Calls don't cut it if you are within driving distance. Ditto for texts.

It hurts to hear this, I know. When it was said to me I didn;t heed it and oh now how I wish I had. You cannot imagine how bad the pain can get. I am trying to save you alot of anxiety and loss. It isn't worth it. You will have nothing left of yourself when it finally ends no matter what you think today.

Do you want him to be the one to end it because you need too much from him? I can assure you you will wish you had called the shot first.

Do it. Today.

Faith

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 5:12pm

Okay - I feel some of my initial reasons that I ended it coming back. Thanks so much. yes, he lives 2 blocks away. I have to pass his house every day, I ran into his wife, quite literally about 5 times in one week. At Rite Aid Pharmacy, had to let her cross in front of my car as she was in the cross walk. Saw her at the hometown Christmas parade, etc. It was killing me. You are so right. If he wanted me, he could have me. He has made his choice and I must stick with mine. Thanks for saying I can feel this temporary pain now or I can feel indefinte pain if I get back together with him. I won't do that. I can't do that. I have made his ring silent on my cell phone so I wont jump every time the phone rings. I know if it rings, it isnt him. That should help. Thanks all. I'm going to be here a lot over the next couple of weeks so bear with me.

PS - redskins won! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 6:13pm
Good for you for finding the strength to stand up for yourself and yes, the advice you've been given seems right on ; the grieving process has started but there's an end to it. Love yourself first and get your life back for YOU. No other words of wisdom but I admire you for making the decision.

MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MS
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 10:04pm

Good for you for sticking to your word! The others are right that if you resume contact with him, you will be back at square one. It is a grieving process and if he REALLY wanted to be with you, there is nothing stopping him from getting the divorce. You deserve someone who you can be seen in public with and not discreetly meet at pre-set times and dates or wait until it is convenient for him to call.

If I had followed my brain instead of my heart, I would have saved myself over 2 years of nightmarish living. I have attempted to go NC God knows how many times and each time, when I start to feel stronger, I get an email or a call. It sets me way back because the feelings I have started dealing with come right back to the surface again and I have to start all over again.

Keep reading the wise words of the posters here and when you feel the urge to make some kind of contact, post here instead. It will save you a lot of pain, believe me.

Good luck in beginning your new life!