38 DAYS NC...Still struggling???!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
38 DAYS NC...Still struggling???!!!
4
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:28am

Hello all,


Here I am at 38 days NC, resisted many many urges to e-mail or text, and haven't done so. But I still feel very sad, and still miss him so much. Worst of all, today is a beautiful day, spring is on it's way...the weekend it supposed to be even nicer. But all I can think about is how he will be playing with his band at a big outdoor concert, having friends over after, having a great old time with his wife and friends, and I will still be miserable. I feel like I can't control these sad feelings. I want to enjoy this weather too, not think about what he may be doing/feeling. I have plans this weekend with the family, I should be looking forward to those. Instead I am rehashing our time spent together, wondering if he misses me, dreading the weekend - again - because I know if he contacts me it would only be during the week. Yes - I still want him to contact me, tell me he hates to be apart from me. I ended it because after almost a year I was getting needy and miserable...and mostly because him and his new wife were going to start to try to have a baby. I didn't think I should stick around for that, friend or no friend. Am I right?


Anyway, I just thought after over a month I wouldn't be still feeling this way. Or at least able to snap out of it! I want to be happy - I do - at least I think I do!!??? I miss him, he was a very sweet and nice guy. He never treated me badly, just made me an option-not a priority like I made him. But that's all I should have been-he made his wife his priority. That hurts - still. I fell deeply in love with him and feel like an idiot for letting myself do so. This is hard and I feel some of the same gut-wrenching sadness today that I did on Day 1!! What is wrong with me????


Thanks....


LFT


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:47am

LFT,


There is nothing wrong with you except you are hurting and experience the emotions that go with that hurt.


Spring is such a beautiful time for rebirth. I hope you can think of it that way instead of dwelling on what he is doing. I know it's hard. My xAP was nothing but gentlemanly, kind and supportive to me. We never spoke of expectations

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:52am

Hi LFT- I am so sorry to read so much pain in your post. I am just a couple days behind you in my NC journey- Day 36 today. I am doing much better, but I have had times when I felt just like you are now. I have found that those times are coming with less frequency. And what helps me most during those times is to remind myself that they pass- and I know they pass- and I believe myself because I've witnessed them pass over and over. Experience the low (because supressing your feelings only makes them come out worse later) and then do something for yourself.

What do you like to do when the weather gets warm? Do you have friends that you can get out of the house with? Do you have some favorite feel good music that you could crank in your car with the windows down and breathe in the fresh air?

I know it's hard not to think of xap, but you have to start telling yourself that "it doesn't matter." Is he thinking about you? It doesn't matter because he chose his wife. Does he miss you? It doesn't matter because he chose his wife. I know those sound harsh, but I tell myself the same things. I chose my H afterall, but I still have those feelings and it helps me to remind myself that it simply doesn't matter. Moving forward, what he thinks, says or does doesn't matter.

I read a great quote this week: Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us. Stephen R. Covey

You are in control of YOU. You cannot control him, but you can control how you let him affect you. IF anything, be happy in spite of him. :)

Big hugs to you.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:59am

Jane, I love this one!


<your car with the windows down and breathe in the fresh air? >>


That's what I did yesterday driving home from work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 1:02pm

Hey CSN-

Oh man, this is so me: every time I was in the car alone I was talking to him.

Not only did he consume every moment of my free time- I put myself in danger by texting and driving just to talk to him. Man, what an idiot I was. It is so freeing to just drive now- and yes, listen to my music cranked up as loud as it can go :) Yay to freedom. Yay to feeling good!

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/