Im learning..day by day
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| Fri, 03-05-2010 - 4:56pm |
I just needed to vent and get some things off my chest about my A and what it has done to me. The thread earlier about what is it that we regret has made me think about what I have given up and how thick the fog is. Scratch that...WAS. Im learning more and more every day about where my core focus should be and that recovering from this A is not an over night process. I have leanred that I need to allow myself time. Time for me to heal, time for me to anchor myself back into my M, and time for me to see this A for what it really was...a destructive mess.
So far I have learned, with the help of all of you here at EAS, that this truly is an addiction. I was addicted to the "feel goods" that I got from Xmm, addicted to the ego strokes, the attention, and the desire he had for me. When I got all of those fixes it was amazing, I felt great, better moods, could multi task, was wonderful. Then came the crash when my addiction wasnt being fed. The lows were terrible when he didnt text back, couldnt meet up or cancelled on me, or when he had his Dday and needed to "pull back to gain focus". My favorite one was when he told me that he just had "too much on his plate" at the moment.

GMLB,
I hope it helped to vent this out because let me tell you, your words described exactly what having an A does to us. You were so spot on with many things so I am going to point them out.
1) that this truly is an addiction.
2) I was addicted to the "feel goods" that I got from Xmm.
3) The lows were terrible when he didn't text back, couldnt meet up or cancelled on me.
4) I've never been the clingy type, that is
~Iddy~
GMLB, I really could have written your same post. I can especially relate to "I have always been a self assured, independent forward thinking, low maintenance woman...till now". I am really good at putting on my game face and still showing the rest of the world that independent no non-sense woman, but inside, I feel weak, tired and emotionally withdrawn.
Sometimes just expressing yourself makes a world of difference. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is therapy for the rest of us that are struggling through the same issues. You are not alone.
Iddy is right- we all could have posted this... and now, at 39 days NC (I know I am not out of it yet, but getting there), I can say that once you realize this and really internalize it and "get it," it goes a long way in your progress. Once you understand this in your very core, the lows become less low, less frequent- at least for me. It was when I finally saw this light, that the fog truly began to lift. I had a new understanding of myself, the A, xAP and my H.
Keep on this journey. It really does get easier.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
GMLB, are you my clone?? LOL. As Iddy said, your post was SPOT ON!! I am saving this one and will refer to it often.
I'm on Day 9 and doing okay. Yesterday was the toughest day so far, but I got through it. Spring is breaking through outside and I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day.
((hugs)) to all you wonderful women!!