Broke NC - very stupid, so not worth it

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Broke NC - very stupid, so not worth it
12
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:44pm

A fess-up. And I'm ashamed.

After over 3 weeks LC/NC (coworkers) I caved to his fishing and texted him last night. He called and we talked about the last 3 weeks. I've been miserable...he's been busy - and doing great.

Which opened the door to his many flirtations and innuendos at work today. And I played along. And for what? Here I sit on a Friday night pining for the loss and hurting so badly. And who's he with? Has he called me tonight? Has he texted? Of course not. And he won't. And I know this. I know he's with his new GF, moving along with his life. And I'm not.

The flood of feelings is overwhelming. And devastating. Heart-crushing. OMG the humiliation. Ouch. Yuk.

Which leads me to the true understanding that we cannot be friends. He can handle the banter and make constant sexual innuendos. I cannot. I care too much, am too close emotionally. I read too much into it and want more. I will NEVER be able to be his friend and handle the sexual tension and banter. I guess I had to prove it to myself the hard way.

I keep reminding myself of a quote from the movie "He's Just Not That In To You." Something like: "If a guy wants to be with you he will MAKE it happen." My xAP rarely made the effort to want to see me. He didn't have to...because I made it easy for him. I threw myself at this guy and made a complete fool of myself. I was hot and he was lukewarm. Unless he needed an ego stroke - oh, yeah, then he aggressively pursued me....usually when I had pulled away and distanced myself. Yes, I do see the cycle.

I re-read my post this week on "Regrets." I have been so raw with hurt, and tried to get comfort/closure from him - the very source of my pain - and failed. What did I expect? Of course I got burned.

I look over at my little son, so very innocent, as I type this. This A has taken so much away from him. I'm so sad, but so very lonely too. It is going to be a very long, uphill battle-of-a-road from here. And I see so clearly that I have a huge heap of RL baggage/issues that I cannot escape from anymore.

My emotions are so raw. I've aged 3 years overnight. I haven't slept or eaten hardly anything in 3 weeks. And tomorrow I start, again, at Day 1 NC.

Please don't stone me.

Misty

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:17pm

I won't stone you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:20pm

misty~

Please please don't think you are alone right now, there are many here who have been in exactly the same boat as you.

In fact, I am in it right now, as I speak. I have made the same mistake as you, after 6 weeks NC. I just can't believe it, and I'm fighting so many emotions. One good thing is that I don't feel the 'rawness' that I felt back at the start of NC but it's kind of difficult right now to explain exactly what it is I'm feeling!

Anyway, I've got a heap of work to do to get this mess sorted out, but I just wanted to let you know that you are soooo not alone.

Be Strong xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:54pm

Thank you, Bestrong and Beautiful sunshine, for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate the support and insight. Beautiful sunshine, you are sooo right that I cannot take his flirting/fishing personnaly - this IS just who he is...and you are so very right, I am not the only one he does this to. Be Strong, I have been thinking about you this week and wondering how you have been doing...

Tonight I am definitely beating my head against the wall. But I am (minute by minute) trying to take control of my behavior and leave him alone. I am just too weak and don't want to get sucked back in. I deleted him from my phone. Now, (deep breath) I am going to go outside and burn the sticky note his phone number is written on...I do not have his number memorized so once it's gone, I will be completely unable to contact him outside work.

In another post, Victory really hit it on the head when saying, for now, focus on controlling your behavior. Lord knows, I cannot control my emotions right now. But I will control my behavior tonight and throughout the weekend by maintaining NC.

Hugs
Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:58pm
((HUGS)) Misty. So now you know what happens and how you feel when you break NC. I am sure there will be times when you want to break NC again.Think of how you feel today. Thats what I do to stop myself too. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 8:20am

What an amazing post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 9:42am

I am sorry you are hurting Misty. As the others have said, we've all BTDT. I broke up with my xap literally more times than I can count, and I always got sucked back in, only to feel more vulnerable and pathetic each time. And it was necessary for me to feel that way to finally gain the strength to end it for good. I am 39 or 40 days NC today (I don't know because my count is at work), and I know this time it is for good. It just feels different. I hit rock bottom. I wrote myself a note in the moment I hit rock bottom and I go back and read that note anytime my ego cries out for xap. Or anytime I think that I am strong enough to fend off the feelings associated with xap if I were to contact him. The raw emotions I felt the day I ended it are motivation to keep moving forward. I NEVER want to feel that way again. And, I can control that by controlling my actions and keeping strong.


You can do this Misty. You now know what reaching out does- it makes you feel awful. Remember that anytime you think reaching out to him will make you feel better. It might for a minute, but in the long run, it will only keep hurting you.


Hugs,


Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 10:04am

<>
Here it is...the statement that I refused to make or believe. This is exactly why my two previous attempts at ending my A were unsuccessful. I always told myself that we were two intelligent, professional adults. We could get past the A and still be friends. Nope. Doesn't work that way. Even if the R stated as a friendship, once you cross that line into A land you can never come back. It took me so long to accept that.

Misty, you're feeling so sad right now, but know that accepting that the two of you cannot be friends is a huge step towards healing. Things are going to get better, and you'll get stronger day by day!

((hug))

CSN

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 11:05am

Misty,


Try to remember that it's most likely not *him* that you really feel that you want or need, but the feelings attached to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 11:57am

>> I always thought that by hooking my MM sexually, it would win him over. It would show how "playful" I was and what he was MISSING. I just desperately wanted to be wanted and I thought that was how to get the attention. Sound familiar?<<

Yup...sure does...

And (shocker) it hasn't worked...(lightbulb moment) Maybe I should stop trying to "win" him back, eh? Stop torturing myself? This guy will always be a player, did I really think I was so special?? No, I was just new and available...and It's nice not to be the only one to feel this way...

Thank you, lifelesson, and to EVERYONE, for helping me through a difficult night and day. This weekend is a toughie.

xoxo,
Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 12:50pm

Hi (((Misty))),
Just wanted to chime in to say that I completely understand what you are going through, and know exactly how you are feeling right now. It's funny isn't it...I've never found a group of people I could empathize with as wholly as EAS. We're all in the same boat fighting the same current.

I recently broke NC with my xAP too...well, we work together (sit across from each other), so I must break NC on a weekly basis. I'll go through a week or so of feeling like, "Come on, self, I should be over this by now, I should be able to talk to him casually," but I am wrong, wrong, wrong every time. Like everyone else on this board has said, we simply CANNOT be friends with them. It's too raw. Like you said, I want more. I overthink everything. I torture myself over, HOW can he do this, and I cannot?

This week has been particularly rough. He does things like play music that is sentimental to our relationship very loudly so I cannot avoid hearing it. He claims he doesn't "notice" but I suspect he is manipulating me because he is hurt I stopped talking to him. I should be glad it's the weekend, but they are always difficult. This weekend, though, is my DH's birthday, so I am going to try to focus on that, as best I can.

I know you can get through this. We all can! Sometimes I DO think it takes breaking NC a time or two to remind yourself how awful and unfulfilling contact has become. So just try to remind yourself of that, even as you mourn the loss of an important person in your life...as I am doing.

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