Its Over Now For Sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
Its Over Now For Sure
15
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 9:51am

So, my husband found out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 10:15am

Pilatesgirl,


I have to say I am impressed with your H, that is really something that he seems so open about it. I think maybe it will help you heal now that your H knows.


I certainly understand about your residual feelings for XAP..I know easier said, but it does take time, and you will get there.


You and your H are taking that first step and such an important one.


((hugs to you))


RG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:27pm

You H knowing is NOT going to be enough for you to end your A. Lots of people post here that they continued the A long after d-day, and from the sound of your post and your feelings for xAP, you are PRIMED to kick start that A again.

""My biggest worry is that my XAP will find out that my H knows. I know this sounds sick, but when I see him, I still want to have a good feeling knowing that we had a "connection", can't be together but still like one another. If he knows that H knows, that will be gone completely.""

I will admit that I had a WTF moment when I read that. Your biggest worry is if xAP will find out?? omg. You still want to feel good feelings and a 'connection'. Your priorities are all f'd up, imho. I hope you won't trash the lucky second chance you're getting with H.

Better days ahead.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:32pm

Hi Pilates- I agree 100% with Dee. I actually waited for someone else to respond because I was afraid that my response would be too harsh. Who cares what xap thinks? That's what you have to start burning in your brain. It does not matter what he thinks. It simply doesn't- and it can't.

My xap was a good friend and colleague. When I ended my A, I had those same thoughts. I kept putting him at the top of my priority list. I worried about him. I wanted him to know I was ok. Blah blah blah blah- it takes a complete mind shift to end an A for good. Sounds like you are keeping the window open. YOu are keeping him at the top of your priority list. He does not belong there. He doesn't deserve to be there. It is over and just has to be that way. It doesn't matter if he's mad or hurt or jealous or anything. It doesn't matter if he's thinking of you or missing you or anything. The only thing that matters is YOU and your DH. You have to recite this and fake it till you make it. There is nothing good that can come of keeping xap at the front of your thoughts.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:37pm

Just because your H knows does not mean it's "over for sure". Who are you trying to kid, us or yourself? It's almost as if your H has now given you permission to continue it, IMO. YOU are the only one who can make this go away. Feelings or no feelings for XAP, you need to stop wondering about his feelings or if he'll find out, or if he does is he is going to hate you,......blah...blah...blah....This isn't about him anymore!


This is NOW about

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:51pm

Oh- and I just wanted to add that I had 3 DDays- yes 3... Just because my H found out the first time, that didn't mean it was over for good- it just meant that I got better at lying.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:26pm

PG,

I don't want to discourage you. If you really want your A to be over for sure, well- good! We will all be here to support you and help you. However, I have to tell you that your post worries me. You do not sound like you truly want it to be over. You are still hanging on to the romantic idealized thoughts of your exap. As long as you do that, it's still going on.

I am a newbie, but it does seem like you are still in the fog a little bit..... I don't know. Just please take a minute to step back, look at your heart, look at your motives. What do YOU really want? If there's any part of you that wants the A to continue, think carefully.

Wishing you the best,
Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:36pm
Wow!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:38pm

I couldn't agree more with what the other posters have said: my dday happened on day 1 - I told my H the first day we kissed - the A lasted almost two years later. I got better at lying, I got better at performing connection, erasing my history, ramped up our sex life to cover the sex I was already having elsewhere. My XAP just told his W - and was still trying to find reasons to need to work on projects together - a d-day is NOT the solution - in fact, i think it can work the opposite and give cheating partners the sense they are starting from a clean slate - and slowly make their way back into the A if given the chance, only being more tricky about it.

I'm working my butt off every second of every moment of every day to stop the justifications for seeing him again. I am in LC situation, and so can tell you this: this A would continue if I hadn't said enough, if I don't keep saying enough, regardless of who knows what. We are that relentless. We are that self/other destructive.

If I could move my family away, I would.

As I keep reminding myself: don't go looking for the clown.

My best,

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:40pm

Hang in there, PG. I'm glad you came back and replied to this post. I hope you see the responses you got from everyone not as something negative, but just that the ladies here care about you and don't want to see you go down that hurtful road again :)

Congrats to you for focusing on your H and your marriage. Keep us updated on how you are doing. :) There is freedom in doing the right thing.

Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 3:23pm

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