Spilling my guts again...Sex with H????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Spilling my guts again...Sex with H????
8
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 10:46am

Cut and dry and to the point here for those of you that are married. I wanted to ask you here at EAS how you returned to a sex life with H. After a 16mth affair, amazing sex with Xmm, I am slowly trying to come to terms with reestabolishing a sex life with my H again.


Spilling my guts here again and letting all of you know how screwed up I saw my A. I basically stopped having sex with my H back in July. Not only did it "upset" Xmm but I honestly didnt want to feel that close with my H. I felt like I needed to seperate myself from H and my M and stopping sex was one way to do that. Sex with my H was never nor has it ever been very stellar but it was amazing with Xmm.


How did you feel about reengaging in sex with H post A? Did it take time, how did you feel about it, how did you let go of the Xmm thoughts?


Any insight will be appreciated. I am slowly returning back to my marriage and this is one area that makes me nervous. Not only has it been way too long since having sex with my H, but I cant seem to let go of the thoughts about Xmm in this area.


Thanks to all of you!


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:21pm

Have you ever visited the After the Affair board? Your question may get more responses over there. Just a suggestion.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlpostaffair/


((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 4:02pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 5:51pm

Alice,


Honey, you made MY day. Thanks so much for this post and it helps so much to know that I am not alone. Scarey how similar XMM are, they are all cut from the same self centered, egotistical, self rightous cloth.


You and I have so much in common and please feel free to email me directly, Id love to have a buddy when those bad days strike.


Thanks for the response and for being by my side!!


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 6:14pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 12:26am

GMLB -


I am definitely in your boat.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 9:11am

Alice,


I changed up my profile to accept emails so try it again. I would love to email you now and then if its ok.


I hope that today is a better day for you, it really is a day to day process but I am finding that I can step out of that "fog" and see the A for what it really was and I hope that one of the vets here chimes in and talks more about that fog.


How I see it though, the "fog" for me blurred my reality and my vision. I was in a fantasy world where XMM was my priority, my soul mate, my only focus. All else in my world was ignored. The fog also hindered my ability to see what the A was doing to me. I placed my self worth in XMM hands and made my world with him my sole focus and priority.


Had there been no fog, I wouldnt have let it XMM take away so much of me. But then again, I allowed it to happen.


Alice, I think you should cut and paste your post and start a new thread. I would love to see what others have to say about the "fog".


Much love,


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 10:17am

Gal,


"I was just never willing to put in the work."


How true that statement is. While involved with XMM, I never saw H for the man he is...patient, kind, and loving. Therefore, I never put forth the effort to connect with him. It was easier to push him away so I could give myself fully to XMM. Didnt see that at the time but I do now. Therefore now, I am doing my best to fully place myself back into my M.


That connection we had with XAP's was strong and addictive. Im slowly breaking away from that but then going fully back to my M where I was absent for so long is very intimidating. XMM made me feel alive, yet at the same time, he took away so much from me. Took away my independence, my self esteem and my self respect.


Your

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 10:50am

Alice~


< wish someone would post something about the fog -- Iddy? I just think it would be fascinating for all of us newbies to really know what the fog is >>


The "Fog" is a very general term that can be used to describe whatever areas we are still in denial over. For example:


If you still think an affair is about love, you are in denial.


If you constantly blame your XAP for the pain you are in, you are in denial.


If you don't think anyone was hurt by your actions, you are in denial.


If you are still hoping that XAP will come riding in on a white horse and take you away to happyville, you are in denial.


If you think your M is not worth saving, then you are in denial. You loved your spouse once, and in most cases that love is still there; it's just buried under piles of excuses, avoidances, and distortions,

   ~Iddy~