breathing out
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| Mon, 03-08-2010 - 11:42am |
Had a heart-wrenching weekend w/H. We had a very honest, way long overdue discussion about our M. We've been married for 27 years and things have not been good for the past 5 or 6 years. I pretty much checked out emotionally 5 years ago. He is not good at sharing his feelings. He is an introvert with very few social skills. He avoids conflict at all costs. I am on the other end of the spectrum. I probably talk too much, have a very active social life and would never back down from a fight. He is a good man, doesn't drink or womanize. He is thoughtful in many ways, loves our children (they are grown now) and is a good financial provider. However, he is totally absent emotionally and physically. I can count on two hands how many times we've had sex in the past 3 years, and that's because I initiated it.

This is truly a difficult situation for you and I'm sure you are confused and worried about your future. I would like suggest that instead of thinking about going back to AP, you focus solely on YOU right now. You have a whole mess of shiz to work out in your real life, with your H and your kids, home life, the 'controlled separation' --- you really, really don't need to complicate your life further by being involved in an A. Doing so would just be the continuation of unhealthy patterns and relationships that got you into your current state in the first place.
I hope you'll be focused on improvement and not moving backwards.
Best,
Dee
I agree with Dee. I know the temptation to go back to AP once there has been contact would probably be easy, but would it be for the best?
Is it sex you are looking for or something else maybe?
Just my 2 cents, but I really think you should just be with yourself right now and figure out what makes you happy, just you without anyone in the picture.
RG
I totally get that. I've been going to counseling for myself for the past two months and have made a lot of progress in determining why I always feel like nothing's ever enough. (I am a high stimulus person and living w/someone who is the complete opposite contributes a lot to my feeling of not being satisfied.) I do get a lot of satisfaction and happiness by being very active in my community. I get very little satisfaction from my H and my M. I have wonderful girlfriends and we do quite a bit together, including traveling. I just wish I had a male companion to share some things with.
My xAP (??) is LD, so we haven't seen each other but 3 times in 6 months. However, it's always been fun. He is fun, exciting and of course, dangerous!! I guess he was filling my need for excitement and feeling alive. I know it's not healthy... :(
I've pretty much been alone for the past five years, so I am not afraid of being by myself. I do worry about the financial side of things, however, and know I wouldn't be able to keep the same lifestyle.
I am probably trying to justify not ending the A. I have no expectations of him leaving his family. I just like him. He makes me laugh and he is very outgoing. I decided to end it because I was afraid I was starting to like him too much and my M is so effed up it was adding to the confusion in my head. But if I'm not going to stay married, why not fool around a little with someone fun and I don't have to see every day??
Go ahead everyone, get your flame throwers out and blast me. I know I really do need it. I'm just trying to get excited about something, even if it's not healthy. Thank god I've got an appt w/my T tomorrow.
Hi Alwayst,
I’m sorry to read about your M but it sounds like you neither you nor your H is interested in saving the M. The tough decision that all of us that are M must face after ending our A is if we want our M or not.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
E1, you are so incredibly insightful. Your thoughts and advice are always so powerful, even when we don't want to hear it. :)
I am actually thinking of switching therapists because I am somewhat surprised that she hasn't addressed the fact that A's are so damaging. She thinks that one can get quite a bit out of an A, although she does not ADVOCATE having them. I have been wishy washy about ending it for over six weeks now and when I tell her that, she always advises just to "sit on my thoughts" for a while. I think she should be screaming at me to run like hell....like everyone here does. :)
Regarding a divorce, I am not making any major life changes in the near future.
Hi Alwayst,
I really enjoyed reading your reply. It is well balanced and I can tell you gave it a lot of thought.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.