I can do it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
I can do it...
9
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 2:10pm
So I am off to work to see my AP for the first time in 5 days...NC....I am scared as hell, but feeling a
Addict in Recovery
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 2:19pm

Hello,

Please let us know how it goes ... I am day 7 NC and have avoided seeing exAP by staying away from our office. This will come to an end next week and my stomach is in knots thinking about it. I know that I will have a mixture of feelings and that I need to keep emotionally and mentally prepared for this.

my thoughts are with you.

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 2:19pm

We're rooting for you, AIR. Please check in later and let us know how your day went.


((Hugs)) ~ alwayst

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 2:29pm

Good luck, AiR. I lived through the same yesterday. 3 weeks LC/NC and he will never give up. It's rough, but you can do it.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 4:22pm

Hi :) Please keep us posted. I can imagine what you must be going through. I have managed to avoid seeing my xap for 41 days. That was supposed to come to an end on Friday, but I managed to delegate the work to someone else to avoid him. I told my DH last night that I NEVER want to see xap again, and I meant it. Stay strong, You can do this!

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 8:51pm

I am home from work and managed to keep it under control...no winking, no flirting, no real conversations....at work. As soon as we left work I got a phone call on my cell from AP. He asked me repeatedly how I was and I kept my cool. I can tell he is hurting too and he is confused. I feel so awful for making him feel bad, and told him everything would be okay and that I was trying to be strong. He understands that this is a huge struggle for me, because we talk openly about how I don't want to continue with the A and about how I feel about my DH and DS, DD. He is single and is fully aware that I would never leave my DH for him.....but he somehow keeps pursuing me!! He told me how he missed me and was waiting for my phone call or email since the last time I saw him. He said he will support any decision I make about our A and what I want....but made it clear that he wants me. ( i didn't reciprocate) I honestly believe that we are both messed up.... He makes me melt.
I am proud that I didn't cross any boundaries that I had set for myself, I didn't tell him how weak I felt (because I have realized that just gives him fuel to add to my fire) I was straight forward and hopefully not cruel.
With that being said...tomorrow is longer day at work and Fri I am alone with him....I hope that I can keep up my strength. So end of story is.... even though I am somewhat proud....I am so sad and I am so confused. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. My DH knows nothing at all about this, and is probably wondering why the hell I am all teary eyed....if he even notices. I am so lonely and wish I could call my AP for a boost. I am not going to .... I made a promise to myself!

Addict afraid of a relapse....

Addict in Recovery
Addict in Recovery
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 9:02pm

You did well. But beware - you opened that proverbial door, and Friday will be tough. Eventually you will have to take personal stuff out of your conversations...or it will never end.

And unfortunately - I am speaking from experience here. Like many others, I've tried to end it so many times, I literally lost count. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, my x is coming back to fish and see if I am interested to continue. Pretty sick, and really exhausting.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 8:27am

Hi AIR-

Why did you answer? I think you need to block and walk. I know you have to maintain LC because you work together (I work with my xap too), but you simply cannot divulge personal information. You have to set new boundaries or he will not get the message that it's over. Do you want it to be over? You seem to waiver a bit in your message. I am certainly not trying to call you out on this because I can relate to your situation, but it does seem as though you've left the door open. He thinks it's ok to check up on you. It's not. That is not his role if you really want to end it.

Jane

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 9:40am

AIR,


<<>>


This is a very contradictory statement. He'll support your decision but just had to throw in how much he wants you. Ugh! It always becomes what they want and you are not going to heal one iota by listening to this garbage. As the other gals said, you are leaving the door open, allowing him just enough wiggle room to get back in. You have to shut that door completely and bolt it.


It's natural to feel sad, confused, etc. You're having to give up something that makes you feel good. What you are not looking at is the potentiol destruction that's looming, like a D-Day or getting an STD, or getting busted at work and losing your job. These are the facts that we turn our backs on as we selfishly desire

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 9:02pm

....Thanks. I'm trying to stay strong for the big day tomorrow. I will be left alone with my XAP for the afternoon. I am planning on keeping myself busy and hoping that we have many visitors pop into the office to say "hi" ....sometimes that happens on Fridays.

Imagining the worst case scenario seems to be keeping me on track.

Edited 3/11/2010 11:47 pm ET by addictinrecovery




Edited 3/11/2010 11:55 pm ET by addictinrecovery
Addict in Recovery