new here... scared to end it! (Long sry)
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| Fri, 03-12-2010 - 11:05am |
IM a 39 yr old woman having an A with a 21 yr old man...it has been almost 2 yrs and the whole situation is complicated! my AP lives with my husband & I.... He really has no where to go and at this point he doesnt have a job or anything.... I feel TERRIBLE doing this to both of them really....I was in a sexless marriage for 9 yrs, though only the last 7 of it was sexless..... I found out later he was cheating on me with my step mother and a girl I thought was a really close friend...I think he is STILL cheating on me because I found a phone number on his cell that turned out to be another girls number....the thing is I pretty much have no choice but to stay with H I am disabled and as long as we are together I cant draw disability because he makes to much, but if I leave I have no where to go since neither myself nor my AP have any money coming in...
I have always prided myself on being an honest person so you can only imagine the way I am feeling about myself! I love my H though sometimes I dont really know why he is 32 and an alcoholic/workaholic who is rarely home which is one of the reasons the A started to begin with.... I want to end my A and I guess give a final whole-hearted attempt at seeing if the marriage is salvageable or if he really is seeing someone then maybe he will finally give up and opt for a divorce....at this point though if I mention a divorce he gets really mad and says I will get nothing... he claims to have signed everything over to his parents....
herein lies the problem I have no idea how to stop this A without hurting all of us in reality I want no one to get hurt in this but me since I am the one one who has created all the chaos!! the fact that the AP lives here and I see him everyday and the sexual chemistry between us is mind-blowing makes it all the more difficult to control this!! I have had serious talks with the AP about his life and he so young and I have told him he needs to find a good girl settle down and have kids... in other words he needs to live! He says that he loves me and he doesnt want any of that.... that is a whole other story in itself!
I just want to be at peace with myself.... I want to go to sleep at night with a clear conscience instead of tossing and turning all through the night and beating myself up all the time!!! any suggestions would be so appreciated!!

nulvwit,
I'm glad you found this board and welcome to EAS. How did a 21 year old come to live with you? Is he a renter/boarder? Sadly, your situation is a bit different than most who have posted here. Having the AP living right under our noses makes for a very difficult situation, as you already know.
A few things I am not clear on.
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Do you live outside of the US? I am only asking you this because when you are M in the United States, most states split the assets in a legal M,
~Iddy~
H Nlu,
Welcome to EAS. Though each of our individual situations are different an affair is never the solution to a problem. As you see, it begins to affect your self-esteem and wear on you in a very negative way.
Have you tried looking up what benefits you would receive on line for your disability? Some benefits having nothing to do with your spouse’s income.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Iddy
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My brother, his g/f and their 3 yr old lives with my H & I, my AP is my brothers g/f nephew. His parents are on drugs really bad and he needed a place to stay. He was 19 at the time and I saw no problem with it I never dreamed I would be in this situation seeing as I had 16 yr old DD and never imagined myself getting involved with a 19 yr old.
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I have confronted him and his APs. My step mother was the one who finally came clean when I confronted her.... I caught him with the second one... red handed, bringing her to my home.
We live in VA and here it is strictly no fault divorces, however my H and I were separated for almost a yr. I say separated even though he still was there even after I begged him for space and time to deal with the pain and anger that I felt towards him. He is not physically abusive in anyway but he can be emotionally especially when he is drinking. He tormented me during the separation but because he paid the rent at the apartment I had and I had no money or job I had to deal with it. So after he begged and pleaded I decided to come back home. The A started while we were separated the night I caught my H with the 'friend"....he knows what happened I confessed it to him thinking that would get him to leave me alone..... it didnt it made thing worse... it was in fact his idea for AP to move in with us!!! He really confuses me sometimes and I think that he does it because he is cheating and thinks that I will leave him alone if I have a "toy" too...the thing is i cant do this!! my conscience is killing me!!!!! I made vows when I married him and I meant them......idk if my H did....then I think is it the paranoia that comes from cheating that is making me think he is cheating!!! idk what to believe anymore!!!
I am not an attorney but I do know that most states here in the US are no-fault. That is not the issue I was trying to present. I was trying to tell you that you are entitled to more than you think if you were to file for D. Don't paint yourself into a corner when there are many options out there if you want a different life. Also, I am not one for breaking up M's either. I think most can be saved but first there has to be some communication going on. Have you ever thought that your A may have been a revenge A for the misdeeds of your H?
You need to end this A, nluv, and the sooner the better. It is very unhealthy on so many levels. Also keep in mind that this *is* an endings board and we will only tolerate "I can't or I'm scared to end it" for so long. The decision has to be yours, so it's time to do some deep soul searching and start figuring out what it is you want in this life. If you want to stay M, then talk to your H; get some counseling, whatever it takes. What else do you really have to lose right now? You've already lost your integrity, your dignity, your self respect, etc. Affairs take this away from us in a heartbeat. It's time to start getting them back!
Time to get busy because fearing, stewing, and making excuses, is
~Iddy~
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nluvwit,
Sorry you are going through so much; however, what I don't understand is why ending the A will hurt others? Certainly, you don't mean the ap? He's a child and using you, and to even think you could have a life with ap is senseless. Regardless if the ap continues to live in your house or not, you have the power to stop the A, and if you don't, you're playing with fire and will be hurting many.
!st step is ending the A so you can concentrate on the rest of the issues. Remember ap is a child with no money, no future, no nothing, and only a "toy" gift from your H, which should be a slap in the face to you.
Hugs,
Mish