What was the final straw??
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What was the final straw??
| Sat, 03-13-2010 - 4:13pm |
I ended things a few weeks ago with MM only to go back after less than a week of NC. The thing is I can't stop reading this board. I have tried reading the MAS board and can't seem to find my place there. So I have been lurking here and I'm embarrassed because I quickly caved. I know the point of this board is to offer support after ending an affair but the advice here is so stellar that I can't resist posting. I'm a MW involved in a PA for almost 10 months. We have on several occasions tried to end it usually after an argument but seem to always fall back into it. I know realistically that it has to end eventually. I no longer harbor any hopes that we will be together and the reality is is that every night he goes home to his "real" life. I know I'm only a bystander. I see myself in so many of your stories. I hide in my closet to talk to him on the phone. He only comes to my house never his...I guess his neighbors will notice more than mine! I don't know how many times I'll be in the middle of a sentence and he will cut me off to take a call from his wife. His life is "busier and more important" than mine. Yada, yada, yada. This has been one of the weeks where I can't fight the frustration like I usually can. He found out his 17 yr old daughter is pregnant and of course my first thought was when she gives birth where will I be on the list of people he calls. I lay in bed at night asking God to help me find my way out. I'm so afraid of a Dday and is it really worth it for a man who says he loves me but rushes home to his wife. Sometimes I feel like I'm a master manipulator. I want to end it but I can't wait for his call and to tell him I love him. Of course lets not forget all the lies I tell my H and children. After this last breakup, makeup, we promised not to end things without really meaning it. I do believe part of him loves me and I love him but the weight of keeping secrets and lying is wearing me down. I'm afraid to let go and afraid to continue forward. What was the final straw? Was it a realization that this was a fantasy or was there a huge fight? I just love this board and I honestly feel like finding it has been a true gift! I know you guys will be there for me when the time comes...Thanks, Liz

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Hi FMT,
It took me 3 attempts to end my A. There was no big fight, although after the 2nd time I went back we had many, many discussions about "future", where I really fit into his life, etc. and it always ended up the same. He could never give me any answers. I had always said to him throughout the R, "What if you were ever in the hospital and I couldn't even come visit you?" Well, sure enough, it happened. He had to have surgery and I couldn't even go in to see him. His W was and always would be first. The final straw for me? We were talking one afternoon after work and he pulled something out of his pocket to show me. It was 2 concert tickets for a band he knew I really liked. He shoved them right in my face and informed me he would be taking his W. I had no right to be, but I was crushed. Over my 3-year A it was always like that, but I kept coming back for the "feel goods", because after all, he was my soulmate.
I did the same things you are doing. I hid in the closet to talk to him. I was a bystander. His life was busier and more important than mine. The "feel goods" started feeling not so great after awhile.
Are the "feel bads" outnumbering the "feel goods" for you? That's what happened to me. I reached a point where it was not worth it to me to feel so bad so much of the time. That's a question you need to ask yourself. Why would you want to feel bad more than you want to feel good, especially when you have control over it?
You are addicted. That's very plain to see. But you and only you can decide when you've had enough. I can tell you to get out now, you can read that advice all over this board, but bottom line is, YOU have to be the one to decide and move towards freedom. If you're being honest with yourself, you know that you're a prisoner. You are held captive by this addiction. How much longer are you willing to put up with that? How much longer do you want to risk your well-being, your life, for this?
Ending it hurts like hell. I thought it would kill me. But let me tell you that only a few days after I ended it, after that initial grief, I felt a freedom that is indescribable. I didn't have to guard my cell phone with my life. I didn't have to make excuses about why I was late getting home from work. I didn't have to find ways to leave the house on weekends to make myself available in case he might call. I have time for me! No more lying, cheating, or stealing! My list of freedoms is a mile long. GOD THIS FEELS GREAT!
That's my two cents, FMT. Just know that should you decide to end it once and for all, we are here to pick you up when you're down, and to celebrate with you when you're feeling good.
((hugs))
CSN
For me and xMM there was not one final blow-out fight. Here's an overview of how it happened:
For about two months leading up to NC, we had been communicating less and less, fighting more and more, but at the same time feeling stronger and stronger for each other. That dichotomy led me to become distraught, sad and depressed nearly all the time, always on the brink of crumbling. I fell deeper and deeper for him (and him me, or so he says), and it started becoming more and more painful when he would withhold his feelings or talk about his family or deny a rendezvous, etc. etc...
So finally one day, when he did something that upset me (practically everything he did started to hurt me, because nothing was never ENOUGH), I decided then and there NC was the only way. It was when the bad started outweighing the good in our relationship that I decided to call it quits. It was corroding my marriage, making me paranoid and feel as if I was losing my mind; i was admittedly overanalyzing everything xMM said, because he was giving me crumbs, next to nothing, keeping me at an arm's length.
That was my final straw. One disappointment too many, one tear too many, I decided I was getting NOTHING from the arrangement anymore and made the decision to start extricating myself from it. It has been agonizing (largely because we work together), but it is starting to get better; little relapses in contact make me understand why I need him out of my life.
That's my little story :)
((hugs))
My post echoes what CNS and Silverdoe said. When the "feeling bad" far outweighed the "feeling good," I knew it had to end. The unacceptable had become the norm. I had become a shell of a woman. I was always on the brink of crumbling and I wasn't getting what I needed from him. I knew I had to break out of the cycle. I knew it was going to be hard, but I also knew that by ending it, eventually the pain would go away. I knew that staying in it would cause an endless cycle of pain. I was not willing to remain in a holding pattern. I hit rock bottom and that was it. I confronted him about his thoughts. He was so lost and had little to say so I walked out. That was 45 days ago. I still have my moments, but I can tell you that everyday it gets better. CSN mentioned freedom. I had not idea how chained I had become to the secret. Not living that double life has set me free. I put myself first - it's about working on me - it's about regaining my self worth and dignity. Once you know that there's no future, it has to be over.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
i've ended this so many times, I can't keep track anymore.
I just got tired of it all. My
There was no particular "final straw" in the sense that we got into a fight or anything. I just realized one morning that I was spending way to much time obesessing about him and wondering whether I'd hear from him that day or not. I was letting my RL falter. I was getting behind in work and personal commitments because I was spending my time
Foolme -
I have definitely been in your shoes.
"I realized this man I was idolizing, this man I had on a pedestal for 30 yrs., was not the man I thought he was."
Bandk, were you invoived with this man for 30 years?
buddy, oh goodness NO !!
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