I did it!...now what?
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| Sun, 03-14-2010 - 11:10am |
As of 2 days ago at 8:15 Fri night my AP is gone..... Yesterday was ok but today I dont think is going to be very good....I know I have to figure out what to do with my time.... I live in a very small town so there is nothing really as far as volunteer work, or something to occupy my time...my RA keeps me from doing alot of things I enjoy....
I just keep thinking of XAP he was here everyday 24/7 and now I feel like there is just this big gapping hole where my heart use to be...I guess because I spend so much time alone I have way to much time to think...I know I can never have a life with XAP, not because he doesnt want it he does..... on one hand I dont...on the other it just made me feel so good about myself to have this 21 yr old man tell me how beautiful I am.... to say these things that just shot my self esteem into orbit...
Sometimes I feel like I come with to much baggage... I have lived and survived many things in this life...I make very poor decisions because of this and now I am back to the plan, old, normal me..... the one that is here to fix everything and everybody except herself..... Just having a very bad day, reality is kicking in and Im scared of what tomorrow will bring......

NLU--
I am sorry you are feeling down today. You can expect to have many days like this. We are here to support you through your ups and downs. Lean on us.
I am proud of you for ending the A. Really, it was very unhealthy. I am so sorry that you have gone through what sounds like some pretty bad times in your past. But I liked your phrase "I survived." You sound like you are an amazingly strong woman.
Have you considered getting some counseling? It sounds like you could really benefit from it. There's also a ton of self-help books out there to read. I've been going to IC for the past two months and I've learned so much about myself, my past, and how to deal with the "grown up" girl I am now. There's not a damn things we can do to change our past, but we can change our present and future!!
I will be thinking about you and sending you strength and hugs today.
~alwayst
Nluv,
For now, just take it one hour at a time, one day at a time. Read here faithfully for strength and jump in and support others with their struggles too. It helps to take the focus off of your own pain and loneliness.
As Alwayst already said, there are many great books you can read and ordering them through Amazon.com is easy and fast. You'll get them within days. There is a thread in the HL that talks about recommended books.
Hang in there, Nluv. The first few weeks will feel uncomfortable, but after that you will see that you have replaced old routines with new ones. It's going to be Ok. Once the fog has cleared then perhaps you can get some counseling. This is also provided online too, if it's hard to get out.
(((Hugs)))
~Iddy~