To the MW who had anA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
To the MW who had anA
13
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 11:05am

Most of the posts I read from the other MW who have had A's seems as if they are so happy to still be with their H....I am at this place in life where idk if thats the best thing for me... I have been terribly sick the last few days spent 2 nights in a hospital ER only to be told so many different things... but anyway back to the point my H drove me to the ER Tuesday night after I fainted in the bathroom the next thing I remember is my 17 yr old DD calling him out in the ER because he was drunk, the nurses and the doctor thought I had been drinking because of the smell of ET in the air, I look at this man beside me and realize the man I made a vow to is no longer with me all I have now is a shell. At one time not so long ago this man could look at me and I melted he was my other half and to quote a cheesy movie line "He completed me" Now he just drives me insane! All the lies, the drinking and the cheating is to much to bear sometime......Is this REALLY what I want? There are women out there in loving marriage, with good men who try to do what is best for you and your family's and you have A's anyway so is any marriage really safe....no

On top of all this the XAP texted me last night wanting to know if I was ok and to tell me he misses me....I thought I was ok because he is in a different state far from me but I realize now that I honestly dont know what I want and what to do.... I know this is an endings board I get that but what if in my case this is the ending of the marriage and not the A...What if XAP is better for me and my sanity in the long run....Are these questions that anyone else asked or is anyone else here even remotely in my situation... is anybody married to an alcoholic? Are the questions I am asking normal or am I still in denial or what??

Im soo afraid today is going to be another bad day for me :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 11:18am

So, so sorry you got sick. I hope you can get to the bottom of it. I know it's very frustrating to hear different answers.


Regarding your marriage, I think you have to make a decision based on what is best for you, your family and your life. You have a lot on your plate right now, getting the health issue ironed out, then the marriage and the

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 11:30am

Hi nluvwit2,

I just want to reach out and hug you girl. You sound like you are in pain, and what you went through in the hospital sounds just awful. I am so sorry you had to go through that. (((HUGS)))

I am a MW who had an A with a close family friend. H never found out. He is a great husband, and did not deserve what I did. Saying that- I will say that by no means has our marriage been perfect. We almost separated at one point because I was not happy (this was also during my A). I too, was caught between two men (although the xap was also M and not available) .... anyway, i guess what I am saying, is that for awhile, i was in the same position as you. Not happy in my M, questioning my life, wondering if I should get out.

My H gave me space. He knew I wasn't happy. He gave me time to think. I am lucky in that my H was willing to talk about the problems in our marriage, and he has made a huge effort to change. He actually gave me the chance to write down all the things that I needed for him to change- and he has started working towards that. I have been NC with xap for 16 days, and I can see things getting better with my H and I am happy and thankful that I stuck with it and didn't give up on our marriage.

I know you said you are not an "ender" yet, and you don't know which you want to end- the A or the Marriage. But I will tell you this - please please, end the A first. Give yourself a chance (and your H a chance) to work on your marriage. I don't know how long you've been together, and I don't know all of your history..... maybe you are in a situation where your h is not willing to change. Maybe in the long run you would be better without him. Maybe you AP is the one for you.

What I'm saying is- being in the fog of the A, you are NOT thinking clearly. Get out of the A first. If you AP really cares about you, he will give you space and he will wait on you to figure out your M.

There are some women here who left their marriage for their ap, only to find out that the ap wasn't willing to leave his own marriage, or that the ap didn't want to be with them. Or, that when real life kicked in, ap wasn't who they thought he was.

End the A. Get your head clear. Figure out what YOU want. Would you be ok ending your M if it means you will be alone?

Hugs and support,
Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 11:46am

nluvwit2,

~sending out get well soon vibes~

I am married, my H doesnt have a drinking problem so I can only relate to your questions about AP. I have spend alot of time asking myself if my H is what I really want, is this all there is for me, would I better by myself, better with XAP ect. I didnt know any of these answers. I took 6 weeks to try and get my head on right and came to the conclusion that everyone of my questions was a septrate issue.

I dont think you can make a choice when AP is still in the picture because of fog. That relationship was build on betrayal and lies. How does your H feel? Does he recognize that he has a problem? Does he want to do anything about it? If he does is this journey something you want to walk with your H? If its not then maybe some time alone-without the emotional dependances of AP, will do you some good to get your health and sanity back. You dont need to answer all of your questions at once as time gives us the answers we need.

If he doesnt see the need to get himself help then is this something that you can live with? If not then focus 100% on you and getting yourself away from toxic people and start healing,start loving yourself.

hugs
DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 11:54am

Hazel,
I'll give you a little history.... I am a 39 yr old MW in an A for almost 2 yrs with a 21 yr old single man, my H is a 32 yr old Alcoholic/workaholic who rarely has time for me. We have been married 11 yrs & together have no children though I have 2 DD. I found out a few yrs ago that he has cheated on me with my step mother (so Jerry Springer) and a person I THOUGHT was a dear friend.... I caught him red handed with her at my home... He wasnt always this way... the first few yrs of our marriage was ok we didnt communicate the way we should and things feel apart... My H is the kind of man that doesnt really want to fix anything he wants me to fix the problem, laying all the blame on my unhappiness on me, but unwilling to give me time and space to think about what I want to do...I have RA which makes mobility at times impossible and KILLS me because I cant do things I want to do....On top of the RA I have acute anxiety disorder and PTSD which causes me to have terrible panic and anxiety attacks. My XAP and I do call him that because even though I have broken the NC I still am in the mind set that he needs to stay where he is at for now... and he is thousands of miles away thank Goodness....My H is a wonderful provider financially but as I said he never wants to work on problems laying all the blame on me.... telling me he cheated because he thought I was....I wasnt.....I didnt cheat on him until the night I caught him with the 'friend"

I think now I am at this point in my life that I am thinking maybe it IS better to be alone, to allow myself time to work on me and heal from things in my past but at the same time I am scared of being alone. I am scared of the pain that comes from dealing with my demons.... I just want Peace.... I want to love ME again and stop settling for these things that arent good for me.....I want to feel as though the happiness I find in life is deserved.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 12:10pm

DM,

To be honest idk if my H actually realizes that he has a drinking problem. To be honest Idk if I have the strength to help him see this. I have never dealt with an alcoholic before. My Grandfather(my mother's dad) was an alcoholic so drinking was NEVER allowed at our house... not even so much as an occasional glass of wine with dinner in fact I had never tasted the stuff until I was 19 yr old! So this is all new to me which makes me uncomfortable in the situation because I hate dealing with emotions anyway. Im that person that never REALLY opens up unless it is to my BFF whom I have been best friends with sonce we were both 15 and knows me better than I do sometimes if not for her I'd have already been in the nut house *lol*

My grandmother passed away in 2002 and she was my rock... my only support because my mother well to put it mildly is a b****.... not being mean she literally hate the very ground I walk on because of who my father is.... My grandmother was married to an alcoholic she would understand and somedays I curse God for taking her just when I need her the most....There are times when I feel as though the drinking is going to be the death of me I have had so many things to deal with already and I think why me? I ask myself all the time if sitting here watching the man I love kill himself slowly knowing if things continue the way they are his death is at the bottom of a bottle......

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 12:18pm

Nluv,

Wow. You have so much on your plate. I bet your are just plain exhausted, huh? (((HUGS)))

Take a deep breath. You can't solve this in a day, and the answers will take time to come. Don't feel like you have to figure everything out right now. Take care of yourself today, do what you can for yourself today, and each day, take a step forward.

I'm glad you have gone NC. Just stick to it now. It is the only way that you are going to get any clarity on your situation. I don't know what is best for you- only you know that. Whether it's ap, your h, or just being alone..... you have to give yourself the best opportunity to figure it out, and NC is the first thing you can do to get there.

I don't know if you are religious, and I don't want to offend anyone, but God has been a huge part of my recovery process. Please just know that God loves you, He sees and knows your pain, and He wants to help you out of this. He is always there, waiting for you to ask Him for help.

Love,
Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 12:19pm

Oh, my. You have so much on your plate right now. Even if you were not in an A, you'd have more to contend with than one could deal without amazing confusion and stress. I feel for you and am wishing you peace and clarity to move forward in a healthy way for you and your family.

I am a MW, four months out of an A with a MM who I really cared for. My M is troubled but my H is a good man, just emotionally and physically disconnected (and has been for about 4 years.) This is my advice to you from my personal perspective. You need to prioritize your life before you begin to make any changes. You need to first heal yourself - which means getting physically healthy, of course, then becoming emotionally healthy. To become emotionally healthy you must rid your life of all the unnecessary complications (read A!) and focus on YOUR own issues, perhaps with therapy, but certainly with lots of focus and attention to your innerself.

Once you have had time and distance from your A, you will have a better perspective and be able to better determine if you want to work on your marriage, or if you want to work on ending your M. Your husband's alcoholism needs to be addressed, in any event, and you should consider AL-ANON for you and your family even if your husband is not ready for treatment. Your daughter needs you to be strong and focused for her. That does NOT mean that you are distracted by your AP and pursuing a relationship with him or anyone at this point.

Most of us on this board who have had a decent amount of time out of the A, will tell you that our opinions about AP and the A changed _drastically_ once the fog had lifted. We are usually amazed and confounded that we EVER even considered the AP as a viable real-life (RL) partner. Even I, with a decent xAP who I cared for and still do, NEVER would have chosen him for a real relationship. I think most of us would say we dodged a bullet that we didn't leave our H's for AP! I know I feel that way.

So, anyway... focus on YOU first so you can make the right choices for you and your family. Don't do anything rash or drastic until you are certain that you are centered and thinking clearly.

I wish you all the best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 12:28pm

My best friend is an alcoholic, my father was one, another friend of mine(close) has a substance problem as well. I know the hurt,pain and denial that comes with this. It is VERY hard watching someone kill themselves and not being able to do anything about it. Its important for you to know that, you cant make him see his 'ways' thats for him to see and to do something about.

You need to love yourself, allow yourself to heal, have faith that everything happens for a reason. Are you in IC? If youre not than mayeb thats something you should think about,it does help having someone out of the situation to listen and offer ideas you may not have thought of before.

<>

For me, Ive said to myself, At least I have something to drink to get me through- not exactly the healthy way of thinking. But we all do what we can just to get through in the rough times. Ive thought many many times why me? Ive been through things in my short life of 30years that most people dont experience, and like you Ive cursed the lord asking why why. Please find comfort when I tell you, the lord doesnt give you what you cant handle--yes we do wish he wouldnt think so highly of us,lol But through every experience every rough times, all the confusion and loneliness we are becoming stronger, we are learning, we are becoming better people, we are coming closer to loving ourselves. Its hard, but youre not alone.

Its going to take you alot of will power to leave AP right where he is. But this is something you need to do for yourself...we are here to help in every moment that it takes. And if by chance youre thinking 'but I love him, Im suppose to be with him' then hes not going anywhere, he will still be there when youve healed, got your head on right. Remember the fog is still thick when it comes to AP, just let that fog settle and focus on YOU.

HUGS to sweetie. Ive posted my contact info in another thread if you ever need to talk about addictions or anything else.

DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 1:51pm

So sorry to hear you ended up in the ER. I will be praying for your health.


You are right this is an ending board and you may find more help and input for your question on the AAS board. There is another great CL over there and some wonderful ladies too.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlpostaffair/


That being said as far as your M for it to work your H would have to be willing to go to IC and work on his issues with alcohol and any other forms of escape that he has. You on the other hand have to ask yourself why you chose to stay with a man that had these issues. It is possible you have some co-dependency issues. I don’t think you are ready to make any decision on what relationship is right or wrong for you until you get some IC. You don’t want to make the mistake of getting out of the frying pan and diving into a fire.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 03-18-2010 - 2:26pm
I know it is really hard living with an alcoholic, but realize that if you left your H for your XAP you will be starting a relationship knowing that your XAP is a cheater. You will leaving the pot and jumping into the fire. Your XAP has already shown you who he is and that he is not a faithful person. I can guarantee you that if you were with him he would cheat on you also and in a couple of years you will be right where you are now with a different man. Cheating is not a bad M, it's about something that is wrong within us. Whether you stay in your M or not is your decision but to leave one cheating man for another cheater is not a good idea.

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