Acceptance
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| Thu, 03-18-2010 - 2:17pm |
Hi fellow enders-
The sun is shining here today and my heart swells with joy to be enjoying my real life again. Today is a milestone for me... 49 days or 7 weeks... a place I never thought I'd get. I know my journey is just beginning, but I feel so much stronger today than 7 weeks ago. And while I was driving around running errands, listening to my happy songs with the sun roof down, something dawned on me. It's acceptance... so I drafted this up for my blog, but I wanted to share it here in the hope that it gives a newbie or anyone else some hope.
Acceptance
For a long time, I would not accept that my A was doomed. I so strongly believed that xap and I would end up together. I gave up on my M. I shut everyone out. I focused solely on xap. I poured all of my energy there, even though, more times than not, he let me down or I felt vulnerable, exposed and unfulfilled. Despite all of this, I just could not accept the inevitable end.
Accepting the end was a HUGE step for me. In my heart of hearts – at my very core – I now accept that it is over. When I ended it 7 weeks ago, I was done. And I’ve said it before, but the difference between this ending and all previous ones is that I had finally accepted the death of the fantasy. It wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was done and accepting that allowed me to shut the door. I no longer resist the truth, rather I face it. I no longer rationalize my bad behavior, rather I move forward and choose dignity. Yes, acceptance – it has made all the difference. It has set me free to live my life.Jane
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Edited 3/18/2010 2:18 pm ET by secretlifeofjane28

Hi Jane,
I am privileged enough that I had already read your blog before you posted it here.
I could have written that Jane.
Jane,
I absolutely love your blog. I think it is a brave thing to do to put your heart and emotions out where everyone can see them. I am so glad that you have reached the place in your soul called "acceptance." Yes, the sun is definitely shining. So happy for you. :)
~Alwayst
Hi jane, i felt it was me talking and i agree also to
Liberty,
Thinking you are defeated is, in my opinion, not positive! Why not think that it was a bad experience and should have never began in the first place? You're far better than feeling you were defeated at anything and especially an ugly A, as regardless of what we're involved in life, and if it didn't work out or it was wrong, we certainly shouldn't be putting ourselves in a category of defeat!
The A was wrong and no one is a winner and never will be, as just the way it is. We can't change how the cards were dealt now, but we can keep our resolve to not play that hand again! Time to change the deck of cards and move forward.
Hugs to you,
Mish
Thank you Mish for reminding me of that.
Dear Jane,
I just wanted to say thank you for your inspiring post. Your writing is so beautiful and a pleasure to read.
Thank you,
Jodi