I did it--so how can i stick to it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
I did it--so how can i stick to it?
7
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 11:40am

hey all,

i've been lurking for a while, and too paranoid to post (hey...you never know...) but then i realized what an excellent support net work you all are and i figured i'd jump on it.

the gist of my story is this: i have an awesome husband. he's imperfect, but he's no bastard. there's no excuse for me doing what i did, but hey, i did it. i was insanely attracted to a friend of mine and started something...and it got really intense, really fast. i suddenly felt like i was in 2 relationships. my AP starting falling madly in love with me. things are falling apart in his own life (divorce...which was in the works before i came along...) and he's gotten more and more attached to me and downright needy. he apologizes and insists he can maintain an A without getting too emotional, but for me, i suddenly feel like its not fun anymore. its stressful because i feel responsible for somebody else's feelings and i feel like a jerk continuing something when i know i can NEVER be what he wants from me. he knows that intellectually, but he insists that he "still feels what he feels".

anyway, yesterday i basically told him that i cant take it anymore. i feel torn all the time, and i feel like my AP is dependent on me. its hard because we were good friends...and i care about him because i know he's going through a lot...but i know that no contact is the right thing for us. esp if im going to return to working on my marriage, which i'd very much like to do. i think the time has come for me to put this behind me. and the hardest thing to admit is, my AP is in love with me, and i just dont feel the same about him. to continue this would be terribly unfair to him.

SO--how did you all maintain no contact? what helped you get through? any similar stories to mine? would love some support/tips!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 12:27pm
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Edited 4/28/2010 2:29 pm ET by jilly1983
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 12:30pm

Hi, and welcome.
Maybe you're a caretaker, as I am. It's hard when you want to 'fix' someone you care for but you know that not only can you NOT fix them, but that it's not your job. Not only that, but it's a huge high to have someone need you so much. For me, it was nice to be 'needed', as I felt my H didn't need me. And it was nice to feel loved, but, you know what? it's not _really_ love; it's dependence. You sound like you already know that. You're ahead of where I was at your stage. If you really care for your friend, you'll take the step to protect him. That means allowing him to continue his life without the distractions of being in a relationship that is dead-end and hurtful to his growth and development (not to mention YOURS). You are really doing the kindest thing possible for him by not allowing this A to continue. But, the REAL point of it all is about YOU and allowing you to do what YOU need to fix your life and M.

NC is the only way to go. Most newbies fight this concept, but, really, really - it's the only fix. Tell AP that you are going NC for both of your sakes, then stick to it. Going back and forth is just prolonging the pain for both of you. It's a little bit like a Nike commercial, but it works: JUST DO IT.

This board has all of the support and resources one needs to reach clarity and healing. I hope that you are reading all the posts, old and new, and hitting the Healing Library with a vengeance. Get strength from all the women who have come before you and succeeded; you can do it too!!!

Prayers for strength and peace for you,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 2:16pm

Welcome

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 3:26pm

thank you guys so much for your support. yes i'm definitely on top of clearing the browser history.

i think you all have the right idea, its just hard to go completely NC. i guess its because i feel like i'm hurting him, rejecting him...and i hate doing that. then again, i suppose i'm just being the strong one, because its what's best for both of us in the long run. i realize that continuing this A with him will be more about me feeling sorry for him than me really getting what i want. i believe he's clinging to me because his own life is falling apart, although he denies this an insists his feelings are pure.

so then i guess my question is, doing NC, how do we cope with the guilt that comes with ignoring/rejecting somebody you care about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 4:45pm

E~


<>


Just tell him you are sorry if you haven't already and then go NC.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 5:12pm

Ex,


Took me three tries to stick to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 5:46pm
....


Edited 4/28/2010 2:31 pm ET by jilly1983