INFURIATED

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
INFURIATED
10
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 3:27pm

I am so mad right now I had to type my password 4 freaking times just to log in. I am pounding the keyboard as if it is the culprit. I haven't cried in well over a week and here I am with tears streaming down my face at work. I freaking hate my xap in this moment.

I had to communicate with him today about our upcoming shoot. He bounced an idea to me that I did not care for. I worded my response gingerly and he got all snarky with me. Really? In case you forgot a(*&%$ I am YOUR boss. Don't get snarky with me just because I may not have kissed your stupid f$#@% a$# like I would have in the past.

This LC is so freaking hard sometimes. I try to treat him like I would any other freelancer. I reread my messages to make sure they are professional only. He probably has no idea the struggle I've endured. He probably has no idea that it's a big freaking deal to see his name come up in my inbox and the emotions that triggers. He probably has no freaking idea how much this has all hurt me. And I hate him for it. I hate that 8 weeks out he can still affect me this way. I know he's JAM. I know... I know it all and I am still here crying at my desk like a pathetic rag doll.

Feeling totally defeated by this day.

Jane
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 4:01pm

Just have a minute...but, my ((Jane)) I am so

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 4:11pm

((Jane))

I am so sorry you're hurting. I've suffered the same meltdown just two days ago. Just seeing his name on paperwork sent a knife through my heart. I was doing good lately, but couldn't stop crying all day yesterday.

I don't know why some days are like that. Take it day by day, Jane, that's all you can do.

But as of today I am actively looking for another job. One more meltdown like that, and I will quit on spot:) I am lucky enough to have an opportunity to change jobs easily, and although I like my current job and do not want to leave, I just don't want to put myself though all of it anymore. Screw it.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 4:14pm
...


Edited 4/28/2010 2:32 pm ET by jilly1983
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 4:15pm

you know what? it's okay to be infuriated by him. (although I do feel a bit sorry for your keyboard)


I've BTDT when my xH left me in 2003. I have no magic words to make you feel better.


But I do know that crying is supposed to be very good for the skin :)


I hate that 8 weeks out he can still affect me this way. I know he's JAM. I know... I know it all and I am still here crying at my desk like a pathetic rag doll.


You are not pathetic and 8 weeks is huge! But that doesn't mean you won't still feel this every once in a while. Look at what you said - you went ALL WEEK ok! that is great! So vent and cry right now. Take a deep breath, wash your face and say - okay. Now stand back up and start walking again. We all have to break down, because this meant something to us. You're mourning that loss just like we all are.


hugs to you


"It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 4:18pm

Oh Jane.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 5:20pm

I've calmed down considerably. I was so mad at myself for letting it affect me. I was so mad at him for his apparent hissy fit. What? I am not stroking your ego anymore and it has you down? Too freaking bad man. The A almost destroyed me and I've been trying to pick myself out of the damage ever since. I am so sorry I didn't feed into your needs. We work together. Period! That means that sometimes I am not going to like your ideas. And as your boss, I will have to relay that. I did so gingerly... I wanted to say "what the heck are you thinking, that is the dumbest idea I have ever heard." But I did not.

Anyway, instead of sitting there ruminating, I drove home to my DH and got a great big hug from him before he left for school. I loved all over my puppies. I ran to my RL (instead of away from it). And you know what? My RL was here and welcomed me in and supported me, unlike my xap ever did when I really needed him.

It does not matter that xap is pouting. It does not matter that he may be struggling. What is going on with him is no concern to me, because the A is over. Over, over over over over over, sooooo over.

Screw him and his ego. If he cannot even remain professional, then I can walk with my head high knowing that he's a whiny, ego-centric, a&%$*#@%.

Whew! Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Jane
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 5:25pm
Jane -- B-R-A-V-O!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 5:27pm

Oh JANE! I am so sorry that happened today!! But, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!

Good for you for running to your RL and your H to seek comfort and find love. I will echo what others hear have said- he sounds like an a** who is pissed that you arn't stroking his ego anymore and his probably freaking scared and mad because he sees that you are moving on and he knows that YOU are TOO GOOD for HIM!!! HA!!!!

Hang in there Jane (((((HUGS))))
Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 5:28pm

Atta girl! That's an admirable attitude:)

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 6:05pm

Now this is the Jane we have all come to know and love. ;-)


I can soooo understand your initial reaction though, as I've had to live such conversations more than I can count on two hands. They can be such pompas jerks

   ~Iddy~