Tears for Jane too... again
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| Fri, 03-26-2010 - 3:21pm |
It has become obvious to me the past two days just how healing NC is. I gained so much strength in the first couple of weeks. I actually felt myself physically, emotionally and mentally healing. NC is powerful.
Then, when it came time to work with xap again and I had to engage in LC, I was still doing ok. However, this week, as we ramp up for the shoot on Tuesday and our correspondence has been more frequent, it has taken its toll on me. How can I NOT think about him when his name is popping up in my email? It's stirred up a lot of icky emotion in me. I feel similarly to how I did at the end of the A, which means I feel just awful. I hate being on the verge of tears. I hate "waiting" for his responses. Even though the work emails are only work, I find myself "waiting" for them with anticipation... it's a connection to him that I worked so hard to severe in my mind and heart the past 8 weeks. And now he's creeping back in. It just goes to show me, that this road to recovery is long and I can't rush it. This LC was too much too soon... but I have to get through it.
I've read the healing library. I know the steps. I was doing so well in NC. NC really is the BEST way to get through this. I know that now. But nothing I tell myself and nothing I read in this moment is stopping these tears and I feel like such a damn fool.
I have a couple more days of LC to get through and then I have to see him on Tuesday. After that, it will be several months again before I have to do it all over (unless I accept the new job, then I will be NC forever and ever).
I am sorry to vent. I am sorry to be posting here again in another weak moment... but it's post here or reach out to him like the pathetic woman I thought I had left behind so many weeks ago.

((((((JANE)))))) I'm so sorry to are having to deal with this period, plus back to back days.
Jane,
Please don't be sorry to vent. That's why we're all here. We support each other in our weak moments. <> I have news for you, Jane. You STILL ARE doing well in NC. You know what you have to do Tuesday and you are prepared. You'll get through it. You're a strong woman!
I know what you mean about what it does to you when his name pops up in your email. Every time that happens to me I get a sick feeling in my gut. Try not to expect too much from yourself too soon. Try not to beat yourself up for your reactions to him. It takes time to heal.
Keep posting. Keep venting. We want to get you over Tuesday's hurdle. You'll make it, Jane!
Love and ((hugs))
CSN
Dear Jane,
One thing is for sure.