Anyone experience this kind of feeling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Anyone experience this kind of feeling?
12
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 11:28am

I don't know what is wrong with me this morning. After feeling a little weepy on Friday, I ended up having a great weekend and didn't think much about xap. Only fleeting thoughts here and there.


This morning, about 4 a.m., I started dreaming of him in a very vague way. I was in that sleepy state of mind, just thinking about him, remembering some of the things we did, imagining if we were still carrying on, etc. Then I fully woke up and had to slap myself.


Made my morning coffee, sat outside on my patio, listened to the birds sing. DH had already left for work. I started thinking about him again and,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 11:54am

You are missing the highs of the A and when

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 12:25pm

Thank you, iddy. Am trying so hard to understand myself, figure out why I started up this A with him (again--after 20 years).


I can't put my finger on it exactly but the sense I have within is that I

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 12:54pm

My A was LD also, and so the only time I met with xAP was when it was carefully planned out. Even though it's been over 5 months of NC, I hate to admit it, but when I'm laying in bed about to fall asleep, sometimes I do fantasize about seeing him again.

I understand, as much as possible, why I chose and engaged in the A. But sometimes, I slip back into the fantasy of seeing him again. I think it's my way of trying to show myself that what I felt was real. That has been my biggest challenge as of late. I know it wasn't real in a RL kind of way, but I want to believe that I at least cared for this person. Cause if I didn't, and after all the things I said to him, I'm just as much of a liar and manipulator as him. Not sure if that makes sense, but figured I would share with you that you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 1:36pm

Thanks, bbear. I have found myself fantasizing a lot about xap lately, too. What I'm actually fantisizing about isn't exactly clear though, especially when i want to puke when I really, really think about what I've done!! I think my thoughts are more like remembering and

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 1:38pm

((Alwayst))

I agree with Iddy, that's reality setting in and we now feel that void that used to be filled by our affairs (the planning, the excitement, the anticipation, dreams and fantasies and so on).

I miss that too. But I will never go back, hell no. And yes, I too feel some of our encounters were just plain disgusting...but my x thought they were truly romantic (eye roll). Or maybe he was saying it to make me feel better and to keep me in the game, who knows.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 1:43pm

Often times having an A with someone from your past is a way of trying to solve issues from the past.


<

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 2:10pm

<>


I can relate! I did my share of lying and manipulating in the A. That does not mean that all the feelings I felt were lies or that I didn’t “think” at first that I cared for xAP.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 2:24pm
So well said E1.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 3:37pm

E1 and Confused,


Thanks for sharing such great insight. Your words are so true. We all have baggage from our past. How could we not? I think so many people live their lives without realizing their baggage or masking it in some fashion or another. It takes a crises, like an A or possibily worse, to make some of us see that we need to get ourselves squared and centered to live true lives.


This journey is difficult. I have been seeing a T for two months but don't feel she is hard enough on me. I need someone to help me dig deeper into my issues. I am aware of some of them (never seeming to make daddy proud enough) but I'm sure there are others. In the beginning, I told my T about my A and she said that she thought the A was "vital to my survival" at that point. Meaning, it was helping me crack open the unhappiness I've

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 3:49pm

My LD A lasted for just under a year and a half. Met him thru a hobby that him and I both enjoyed. The A didn't start out right away, I actually knew him for about 6 months prior to the beginning of the A. We only saw each other every couple of months, so it was way more of an emotional A than physical.

It ended because I'd had enough drama, jealousy, lies, and heartache. I never thought we would have a happy ending (even though I did fantasize about it...makes no sense), however, my xAP was highly delusional because until the very end he thought we would be together. I ended it and went NC, when I broke NC 2 months later I lied to him and told him the 2 things I knew would hurt him so he wouldn't make himself available to me. Sounds bad, but I don't feel guilty over doing what I needed to do to get out. And it's been almost 5 months since then.

I am married and thank goodness DH doesn't know. It's been difficult to switch gears from A romance to everyday husband/wife romance, but I'm beginning to see things clearly. My M has definitely improved because I'm actually a part of it now.

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