Step 1

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Step 1
8
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 8:00pm

I am new here and have tried to read many of the posts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
In reply to: sarahsmiles67
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 8:12pm

Welcome, Sarah!
I only have a minute, will post more later. I never told my XAP I was going NC. I just stopped communicating with him and responding when he tried to communicate with me. Others may disagree with me that this is not the best way to handle it, but it saved me a lot of pain, and I didn't go back this time. I tried it twice before, telling him I was ending it, only to have him lure me back in to "talking through it", and I ended up right back in the A.

You don't owe him anything. Ending your A is brutally difficult, and you need do do it the way it works best for you. For me, one day I'd just had enough, and I ended it cold turkey. I just got my tweener wings last week!

You need to end it, and we'll help you. You did the right thing by coming here.

((hugs))
CSN

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
In reply to: sarahsmiles67
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 8:18pm

You probably will get responses from more experiences enders who are much further out than me - but I ended mine 1.5 months ago pretty much by disappearing act - stopped responding to his calls/texts. We work together so at some point we had to communicate and we do stay civil and exchange texts here and there, but there is no way on Earth I will go back into affair, I hated it all the way. The common notion is you won't get closure from him - it had to come from within - and you don't really need to have a big break up moment either. You can end it any way you want to, because in the end it doesn't really matter.

Just end it, and the sooner the better:)

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: sarahsmiles67
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 8:44pm

Welcome, Sarah.


I think NC and how to approach it differs for all of us. I had to have closure to my A to really begin getting past it. My A lasted 6 months. We were LD and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
In reply to: sarahsmiles67
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:15pm

I need advice on this too. Straight up NC is going badly for me in fact I blew it again yesterday when he sent me an IM contact request. Except for all of you chanting NC is The Way To Go I otherwise have a script (is it a fantasy?) that has a closure of some kind. I allowed the IM connection and today I've sobbed w/ pain again b/c it's not led to any real communication.

I had an EA w/ a friend/neighbor of many years for the past year. Our families remain very close. Dday for me was early Jan. My AP knows virtually nothing about dday (I told him I was asked to delete his email address; and he went NC). We never debriefed about dday and though I don't expect the A to continue, I'm obsessed still about disclosing the dday details. Of course I have a hard time being confident of my motives b/c I do still simply miss the friendship. The upshot of dday was that my H and I recommitted to our M. AND my H, an amazing, mature, awesome person listened to me when I told him I needed to keep the friendship. He trusts me (and I do trust myself) to keep boundariesw/ XAP.

I want a chance to explain this to my friend/XAP and I feel confident that will help move me forward. I feel like I'm stupid not to process my XAP's perspective. Maybe he's vulnerable and needs NC. Maybe the 'friendly' thing for me to do is step aside & not interfere w/ what he needs to move on.

Since I've just cried again that my XAP isn't making a real effort to communicate, ie allowed myself to be hurt by something not at all about me (at this point I think I was just one of his contacts getting an automated message), I am very motivated to assert myself w/ disclosing this dday information so I can move on.

I'm coming here for support: I don't want to tell my H about the IM incident. He's a straightforward type who can grasp that I am upset but only offer the 'you just have to get over it' mantra which doesn't address the deep levels of emotion that all of you know first hand.

I really hope others will post on this & the question of can a former XAP continue to be a friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: sarahsmiles67
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 5:09pm

Cove,


I feel for what you are going through right now. Why do you think you need to disclose the details of your dday to xap? And why didn't you right away?


You said he went NC after you told him you were asked to delete his email address. He is scared; rightfully so. Why did he send you an IM request? Who knows? Maybe he wants to leave a line of communication open so--when he wants it--he can get an ego stroke from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
In reply to: sarahsmiles67
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 5:10pm

Cove,


In a word, NO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
In reply to: sarahsmiles67
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 5:33pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: sarahsmiles67
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 9:15am

HI Sarah-

My story is similar to CSN's. STrong emotional bond, co-workers, blah blah blah... In essence, all A's are the same. But my story differs from CSN in that I did have that one last convo. I approached xap looking for some answers, he could not give them- he was lost and confused- as was I (I just didn't really know it till I ended it), and because he could not give me answers, I ended it in person and then with more resolve in email later that night. He responded with a heartfelt letter, but he also agreed it was best. We've been NC/LC ever since... that was 63 days ago. In the days right after I ended it, I was glad to have had that closure. There was no wondering about where he stood. We had each put the final nail in the coffin. There would be no more misunderstandings about the situation. It was done, we were both staying in our marriages and now it was time to pick up the pieces.

I tell you all of this, because really, how you end it is up to you. For some, just going NC with no explanation works. For others, they need that one last talk. Now 63 days out, I don't know which is better, because even though I had that "closure" (which I put in quotes because there really is never any closure with an A), it doesn't feel like it. It's just done... and that's it. There are so many things I want to say to xap. So many questions I want to ask him about the last 63 days. Is he ok? Is he working on his M? Does he ever think about me? How did he handle seeing me and working with me yesterday? It's hard not to obsess, but in the end, I know that it simply does not matter. What is done is done. There is no going back. There is no breaking NC, because I know how effective it is in the healing process.

I wish you luck. I hope you garner the strength to end it. It is hard. There will be bad days ahead, but you will get through it and with each day, you will grow stronger and more resolved. And with each day you will regain a little dignity and self respect.

Hugs to you.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/