epiphanies

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
epiphanies
12
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 7:44am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2010
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 8:41am

"They want two women. One to do the housework, the kids, make a few dinners, arrange weekend plans. the other to stroke their ego till their heads explode, provide sexual variety and release, and did I mention? stroke their egos and tell them how amazing they are (which they cannot hear enough because they feel like such dirtbags deep down inside"

This made me have an aha moment. I kept thinking that my XAP had developed such a huge ego. He constantly needed stroking, and when I was too slow on the uptake, he would fill in the gaps himself. At first it was cute but later annoying. I think you are right, he felt like a "dirt bag". One more reason that I am glad to be done. I've got better things to do. I no longer have time to be his emotional blanket. Good riddance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 8:52am

Alice,


I found it very interesting what you said about we women by nature only want one man in our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 10:48am

Hi WTBL,


Welcome to EAS.


I can tell by reading your post you are well on your way in the healing journey.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 12:37pm

Alice,


Great post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 1:59pm

Alice


I totally agree with you - especially about

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 2:19pm

Great post Alice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 3:35pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 3:38pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 9:24am

Hey Alice and EVeryone-

Thanks for sharing your epiphanies... this one is so dead on:

"Xap couldn't leave his wife. And couldn't leave me. Ultimately, he pushed me away, pulled me back in, pushed me away, and tortured me until it made me do the dirty work. Are cheating MM actually the biggest cowards on earth?! He actually told me he "wished she would cheat or just tell him she was done." God forbid he take any responsibility for his own happiness or actions or future. Cheaters = wusses."

This describes my situation to a T.

CSN- I can't believe how similar our stories are. I could have written this:

"I've thought about this quite a bit over the past 3 months. My XAP did the same thing-pushed me away, pulled me back, and made my life miserable. He was too gutless to end it, so he pushed me until I couldn't take any more. I was told over and over how tired he was of "being out in front", that he was giving far more to the R than I was, that I put myself first 100% of the time. PLEASE!!! For 3 years I risked my M, my job, literally my life for him. Being told repeatedly that I was self-centered finally sent me over the edge. And now that I think about it, that was probably his strategy, to push me until I finally ended it so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy"

I am pretty sure that my xap acted the way he did in the end so that I would reach a point to end it. Looking back, I am positive that's why things went down the way they did. And that's ok. We were both starting to realize how self destructive we were being.

KMG- I could have written this (except my xap did not ask me to leave my H, I just thought he did:

"He was hot and cold for a couple of months. The colder he became, the harder I tried. I was pathetic. ALL I did was heap praise on him. ALL I did was try to make him love me as much as I thought he did when he asked me to leave my H. "

Oh man, this is what I am so embarrassed about. The lengths I went to to get his attention... and it made me feel so insignificant and unworthy. It obliterated my self esteem and self worth. I couldn't see it at the time, but now I do clear as day... the A fog really does a number on us, doesn't it?

Loving the epiphanies. I have some everyday.

Hugs to all of you.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 11:10am

Alice,


It sounds like you have a lot of positives in your M and a very willing spouse to meet your needs! Good for you for answering the text and praising him for his efforts! Yes DH needs that too! Letting him know you appreciate his efforts will encourage him to do more of the same.


I agree with your other post to Kmg. It is clear from her post she is a strong and beautiful person. Her story is still being written and with all the work she is doing healing no doubt there is much happiness still to be experienced in her life. She deserves a partner who is there 100% for her!


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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