Regrets

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Regrets
6
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 1:21pm

There are times in women's lives when they look back over the years and find that they have regrets that tend to make them angry.


It may be that you should have done something in a situation.


That you would have done something in a situation.


That you could have done something different.


I wonder if anyone out there is like me, as a look back I sometimes get angry because now I know I was used, or I missed out on good opportunities, or should have made a wiser decision.


Have you had this experience and What would you have done to keep from becoming so angry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: helper2010
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 1:43pm

For me, my anger disappeared when I realized that I had been used because I put myself into someone else's M and wanted someone another woman already had. When I finally stopped being selfish and realized that it doesn't matter who pursued whom in the A, he was already taken, I knew it from day one but decided to sleep with him anyway. I made a choice and it was my bad choice that caused my pain/anger. I entered into a destructive relationship. My xmm didn't make any promises to me but even if he had, how could I believe a man who kept me a secret from his RL. Once you start accepting that it was you who decided to believe someone who was a liar and cheater you will see clearly that it is never a good idea to believe someone who hides you in a little corner of their world and doesn't allow you into every aspect of their lives. I turned my life around after years of getting involved with unavailable men. Once I realized that the problem was not the men who used me but the problem was that I allowed myself to be used, I learned how to stop the cycle of abuse that I was causing to myself. You may not believe this right now because you are hurting, but your xmm is not responsible for your happiness, only you can make yourself happy by loving yourself enough to not even go their with a MM. If a MM approaches you tell him you are not giving him your time/body until he comes back to you with D papers in hand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
In reply to: helper2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 9:45am

what a great post why ask why.....i mean, i do not think it could have been written better, I too have similar regrets. And even tho I did not know I was in the A initially, still dealt with him after. That was my choice. The one I have to live with. Everything that happened after that point was on me. Not him. That is so difficult to see at first. But being here on EAS and some true self examination will get you there. I just wanted to tell you I appreciated your post.

Helper, I do not know your story. But Why Ask WHY has given you some great support and advice. AHHH yes the Regret, it can be overwhelming at times. It hits you really hard and sometimes it feels so hard to escape. But you have to let it go....over time. You simply can not carry this with you. Why continue to beat yourself over the past? All you can do is take this day and move forward. Yes we learn from our past experiences but we can not let them define us. Hang in there and I hope your anger and regret lesson as the days and months go by.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: helper2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 10:21am
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Edited 4/3/2010 10:23 am ET by deeulta
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
In reply to: helper2010
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 4:12am

I think it is normal to feel angry for making wrong decisions, looking back and seeing that their were better choices to be made. What takes away the bad feeling is knowing that i can't go back and change anything. I can look at it and remind myself to not do it again though. One specific

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
In reply to: helper2010
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 10:49am

I agree. The anger went away as I started realizing that I made the choices. I'm not saying that I do not recognize the lies I was told, but now that I am aware that I have the power I know I will never let a man like that back in my life.

The feeling of strength outweighs the feelings of anger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: helper2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 9:29am

I can't take credit for this piece of insight, but it has helped me A LOT.

"It is important for us to feel regret when we make poor decisions that result in hurt and pain in others (or ourselves). We have to acknowledge that if we are to learn and make changes in our lives. The difference between guilt and regret, is that regret provides room for understanding. When we let go of the anger that we direct at ourselves, regret provides us with the opportunity to change. This is similar, I think, to posts from others suggesting that we must accept our roles in an A and our actions. This is critically important for personal growth, but it isn’t necessary to continue to be angry at ourselves. Letting go of that anger, forgiving ourselves, opens up a pathway to stronger relationships with others.

Think of it this way… When we learn to treat ourselves with kindness, we are better able to treat others with kindness."

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/