Read my old posts, He Got to ME
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| Sat, 04-03-2010 - 11:41pm |
Hello all,
I have been away from the boards. I used to be a daily habitual poster. I am just over 4 months NC. I have had some fierce fishing attempts as of late. This is not a good thing at all. He got thru on a phone call, calling from some random number. I said LEAVE ME ALONE and hung up after I knew who it was, it took a minute, I was sleeping when he called. This rattled me. Did not sleep the rest of the night. He has rattled me. He has been a fervent fisher. He is like one of those bad dreams you keep having over and over. Fishing-something I used hope he would do as a new and raw newbie is now my biggest fear. Or it was for the past month or so. I never knew when something from him was going to wind up in my inbox or I would get a strange call or text from some random number (I blocked him every which way possible) but you can not block what you do not know and since he had not fished AT ALL since I had started NC, I unblocked him one day since I thought I was safe and it costs a monthly fee with my cell carrier to block him...he fished soon after. Just my luck eh? Just when I thought I was out of the woods. I then had to re-block. As stated, he was a fervent fisher especially via emails, that is only source of contact. Sent from random accounts etc..
So the last month or so, I have been noticing a pattern. I have deleted his emails, I ignored txts, literally had become scared to answer my phone from a number that I did not recognize or was not a contact already. I was a prisoner to my own phone. Not good. I had been strong. I was so proud of myself that I had managed to escape him. And here he was, he was getting to me-BAD. I did not post much. I think its for a variety of reasons. I was depressed. I was super busy with work which helped. I was mentally exhausted. I did not feel I had much to offer the boards and one real reason was that I was ashamed. I felt like I was letting you all down, strange I know. I had not broken NC but I still felt so discouraged that he had and he was still controlling my emotions. I was embarrassed. I guess I was trying to save face. Scary thing is, I am not a prideful person. I was just so scared of falling.
I really wanted to respond to the evil being. I should been here posting but I was ashamed of the fact that he was still getting to me...I was mad at me. And I felt like I had let me and all of you down.
I noticed a pattern in all this. If he did not fish for a few days or so. I was so good, strong classic Luvin...but if he did so much as grab the pole and sent even the slightest sentence or two, I would be a hot mess. I would be angry. I would feel assaulted. I would feel sick. He was not respecting my wishes. He was being horribly selfish. And I kept saying to myself WTH won't this MM stop fishing and leave me alone. He kept on and on and he would say the most mind blowing things, he knew just what nerves of mine to hit n when he got no response and his ego would be hurt he would then say the dumbest things. I just don't open things I don't recognize and/or delete stuff now. Hard with work and all...easier with personal account...back to focus...sorry.
The point I am trying to get across is that I am realizing that I have so far to go despite sum success with NC. Him fishing had me really reeling. I would actually THINK and OBSESS over what he said. That's where my shame came in....I was ashamed and strayed from the board. BAD IDEA. VERY BAD. I know that now. Lesson learned. E-1 said it best. I had stopped taking care of the garden, I had allowed weeds to supplant all the work I had put it in. I was taking steps backward. He was still controlling me and I was so disappointed in myself. I have a cyber buddy from EAS and but for her, I do not know how I would have gotten thru these couple of weeks. I had a witty and strong newbie schooling me and putting things back into focus so that I could see the fishing for what it was. She was great and I am thankful for her poise, despite her own pain. Its amazing how we all help each other around here. Newbie, Tweener, or Vet we all have something to offer one another.
I am back in the saddle so to speak. I have decided to handle the fishing the way I handled NC....SO what? So what if he somehow calls, txts, emails, or screams in listening distance from a roof top. I HAVE TO make the effort to let it role off my back. In the famous words of Jay Z...I "gotta get that dirt off my shoulder." I still gotta go hard, I have to be stronger daily, be ready for something when it comes my way and see it pass as quickly as it came. I got way too relaxed there for a min. The pitfalls, triggers and emotions were not as distant as I thought, nor was he.
The good news is that I recognize this. I noticed the pattern. I would have never noticed this back in the A. I also notice my recovery time is so much less than it used to be. Its actually refreshing to see how although I struggled lately, I know I am better, stronger and wiser. I am setting a goal that soon, VERY soon, that him and his antics won't even phase me. I have been thru too much and worked too hard to let him have any more of me that he has already had.
I also know that I should not have run from the board. I should have been running to it. I just did not want to be a hypocrite. At the time, my thinking was I could not compromise what I have with you all and I did not want to bring anyone down. And I did not want anyone to lose faith in me, including myself. I have also realized that I should not be ashamed to ask for help. I never was before....what was my stupid problem? So here I am. Back to being a serial poster and looking for the love of you wonderful women and a few good men.
I also learned to go back and read my old posts. I have heard the vets speak of it and had never really done so. Man the power of the pain in my old posts cleared my head ASAP, made me realize that to respond to this evil being would be like me dancing with the devil in a drunken stupor. No way could I handle that. No way was I was going to inject myself with the poison....it was a slippery slope and I tinkered way too much. It was a fierce battle but thankfully I stayed the course...hurt a lot but I am certain that had I done otherwise, I would be so much worse off.
I am resolved to be steadfast in this recovery. I can not just think I am good cuz I made it 3 months NC. Reading this on this board and living it out are two distinctly different things. I had been warned about things and yet I still let my guard down. So I am back to the basics mommas....You all still here with me? I missed you guys and happy to be back and need you all to continue to help me make me betta...
Luvin
Edited 4/3/2010 11:49 pm ET by luvinmeforever10

Hey Luv - I think you shouldn't be that hard on yourself. It's not your fault this pathetic man won't leave you alone. Yes, it's affecting you because you cared for him - but you're just human being and it takes time for feelings to fade.
I'm not familiar with your story - is it possible for you to change phone numbers, emails etc. so in no way possible he will be able to contact you? It may well worth the hassle.
And congrats on 4 months of NC!
XOXO
Gone
Hey Luvin,
I was thinking about you the other day and wondered where you had disappeared to. I'm so happy that you are back and have realized the importance of tending to your garden (E1 is the best.) I used to take breaks from the board my first year out thinking I could handle things on my own, but I could never go any longer than a few weeks.
Please, do not ever let this man have any power over you again. I can understand how some push and push, never giving one thought to how selfish and narcissistic they are being, but you had another moment of enlightenment when you realized that letting it get to you is causing you great emotional harm. You also have to cut yourself some slack because 4 months post A is hardly considered out of the woods. You are still healing and it will be months, sometimes years (as in my case) before your wounds have scarred over.
The board has been rather quiet, probably due to the holiday weekend and with many having children home on Easter break. The nicer weather always slows the board down too. I've been on here long enough to know the posting patterns.
Have a lovely Easter with your children and thanks for letting us know what's been going on in your life. All you can do is try your best to ward of the beast, always keeping in mind that YOU have the power slay the A dragon. We are all much more stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
Love and hugs,
~Iddy~
Hey Luvin,
I agree you shouldnt be so hard on yourself but I can understand the disappointment. I think your story/post proves just how STRONG you really are!
This is a journey,everyones is different. We all fall, we all slip n slide everynow and then. You said it, youre back in the saddle. Be proud of yourself for having the strength and courage.
Welcome back Luvin : )
luvin,
your post resounds with wisdom---real true insight and power. you have been and ARE on the right track. just remember that you are grieving a loss, and that grief is never linear. there are twists and turns, pitfalls and triggers. you nailed it perfectly when you said that you now recognize the patterns and the feelings---and that you would never have recognized them when you were in your A. no one can take that away from you. you suffered for it, you earned it, you own it.
i'm sorry that you felt you could not come here with your struggles. this is not just a place for the "perfect enders"--as though there were such a thing--who are always upbeat, snarky and self-possessed. you, luvin, are respected and admired--in your strength, in your weakness---through everything you have shared and in your encouragement of others you have let your beautiful spirit shine through. i am glad to see you back.
lillie
Luvin-
So glad to have you back... and thank you for posting this. It puts things in perspective for me. I too was doing so well- I was so resolved- he could not penetrate my armor, but as our LC increased as our work together ramped up, he was renting more and more space in my head and I became obsessive again. Ugh. I thought I had escaped it, but it does prove that 66 days out is NOT out of the woods- that this road to healing is long and I must remain steadfast in my journey to move forward. I can't allow thoughts to creep into my head. I can't rationalize reaching out to him. Over means over... and I need to get back on the horse as well. I've allowed him to get inside again... even though he is not fishing, simply responding to work emails and updating me, etc. He is not even trying to get back inside. He has been respectful of my request for NC. It's all on me. I am allowing my mind to wander and my emotions to take over.
I am sorry you are dealing with a man like this. I hope that he comes to his senses soon and stops this incessant fishing. NC is the only way to heal... and that means nothing from him, as well, because no matter how resolved we are, they do get through to us even if we don't respond. Stay strong... and so so glad we will have your voice here again.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hey Gang,
Thanks for your support and posts. I am doing better these last couple of days.
Gone, my story is just plain sad. I have not posted it in some time. I had another screen name a while back, its all there and if you really want to know, I will email it to you. Due to some unusual circumstances, I was not sure what board I belonged on, I originally posted in the wrong groups. I was just thankful that I was welcomed here and have been part of the EAS community since last Nov. A number change may be in order soon. I have been left alone as of late. Refreshing. The nice weather recently has also helped.
Iddy, as always, thanks for your support and encouragement...I did have a great Easter and enjoyed the children. You know they keep me going, even if I do not want to.
DM, I know you can relate, you been around a while to know what happens when they come a fishin, it aint pretty
Jane, I honestly enjoy all your posts. they are just great reading....and always helpful. Any interaction stirs these men up in us. They can handle what we can not. They just can. They can handle the banter and so on. I will tell you this. I have tremendous respect for you LC gals. I could never imagine....WHEW....you are some tough chicks. Cuz man, this is hard for me w/o seeing the evil being....I do not even want to fathom the strength that it takes for you all LC women to get thru.
So be strong but do not be hard on your self, every day you get thru is an accomplishment.
Lilie, thanks so much for your kind words. they really helped and you made a good point about the enders on this board. that stuck with me and I will be sure to post in good and bad times. thanks again.
I am just happy to be back and hope you all continue to support me. Its been a painful couple of weeks but I am looking forward to better days. I will need ya
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
So glad to hear you are doing better. I am so glad you are back. Your responses to others on the board have given me newfound strength the past couple of days... we really will make it.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Ahha Luvin,
Looks like xAP took that “I’ll make you fishers of men” part of the good book outta context! So sorry he is still trying to cast his line in your pond.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.