Help! A married man in love.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Help! A married man in love.......
13
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 7:42am

Hi,


I have reached that stage where not only I accept the affair has no real future ( i sort of knew that all along) but where the pain and anxiety outweighs the fantasy and the addictive things.


I need help to end it. I have told some close friends in order to drag it out into the open.


I mentioned the pain i have been having to the AP and she says she is able to compartmentalise and i can, i just need to get stronger. She also said that if i loved her i would be mad to end it given the problems in my marriage.


I have suspected this woman to be highly manipulative in the past; she books the hotel rooms and gets annoyed if i get cold feet about anything. She takes more risks. I have been the one to try to end it in the past. Of course i have engaged in my own games!


I need to see her as a needy woman who does not need me but a better marriage and sense of self esteem.


I am in love with her - i need to see her as human. Please help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 9:15am

Hello RP,

Welcome to EAS. It is great to see that you're already in a place of (coming to accept) the reality that there is no future to the affair. As Iddy always reminds us - there is an expiry date on every affair, so that it isn't a matter of "if" but "when" the affair will end. The pain starts to outweigh the fleeting feel goods of the fantasy.

I comment your courage in telling your friends in hopes that they can assist you to stick with your decision. I asked my friends who knew NOT to collude with me, but to give me tough doses of love when I started to look backwards. They allowed me to grieve, but not to wallow. I believe there is a big difference. In the end, you'll be alone with your decision, and at every key point, you'll have to step-up and choose to keep NC (no contact). We can all support you on your journey, but there will be dark and scary times when there is only yourself to turn to. The great thing is though, is that your self-esteem returns, and you begin to trust your decisions again; therefore having 'only yourself' can be enough.

Your AP is staying anything to keep you around. My xAP told me the same thing - that I could learn to compartmentalize. I didn't want to learn this skill; so I chose to tell my Husband I was having an affair. He didn't choose to tell his wife until he 'tried' to end his marriage to be with me (my H and I separated after 1 year of the affair). I wasn't strong enough to end my affair and my xAP never gave me the space (even when he knew my M was on the line) when I tried to end it to save my marriage. Guess what? I am likely getting a divorce and they are still together. Ending a marriage is not easy - and I would give anything to be working on the problems in my marriage, then working on how to have a 'healthy' divorce for our children. It has nothing to do with Love ... what we feel in the affair may seem like love, but when you get some perspective on your affair, you realize that you would never treat someone you love the way we treat one another in an affair. Or actually, we would never ask of one another that which we ask of in an affair. My xAP and I never treated one another badly, but what we asked of each other, what we expected of one another, was cruel and destructive.

So, PR - in the end, there is just you and the decision to end it. There can be no concern for her feelings or well-being. She made her own choices to get into this affair. You are not responsible for her, you never were. You are responsible to yourself, and the person YOU made a commitment to. I tell you, you're one of the lucky ones who has gotten away with not being caught - but this will carry with it its own unique struggles. If you read here, you'll see, being discovered could be just around the corner for you. Better to end it now, swiftly & don't look back.

Please read as much as you can here ... especially from the Healing Library. Keep posting & keep busy. The first few days hurt like h@ll, but then you begin to see the light and it an amazing, incredible feeling. It is the feeling of knowing you are going to make it to the other side; without doubt.

There is clarity.

My best to you,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/21/2010 10:08 am ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 9:41am

I need to see her as a needy woman who does not need me but a better marriage and sense of self esteem.


Yes, and while you are knocking her of the pedestal, off you must go as well, right? Right.


The problem we run up against when we end things and then fall back into it is that our word means squat now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 10:36am

Thank you so much for your response.


I just realised that on the UK site, i-village is for women. I hope it is ok for me to continue to post here. I know that i am going to need all the support I can get, and men dont often talk about the emotional stuff.


You mention the feelings of love - i so need to have some perspective on my situation. My AP has always talked about how 'in love' with me she is but i suspect of course that it is an addictive thing for both of us and has nothign to do with true love. My sick side tells me that because i am her first affair ( and she mine) and that she always said she never would, it must all add up to real love. And yet we risk the future of our children , two each, all under 7.


I need people on here who have got out of the mess to tell me, expose me to the reality of this madness. Please, please point out what a fool I am. I know it is vanity, vanity, vanity, with some excitement thrown in, but when i think of losing her my stomach just shrinks to a knotted ball of fire.


I also feel that although i coudl laugh it off, i now see and feel the distress of the affair and i wonder whether once that happens, one never re-discovers the feeling of freedom again. Is that right? Am I doomed now to never enjoy the affair in any event?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 10:39am

Thank you WC.


You are dead right - i am passing the AP as some inferior party to this, when i am full of pride and vanity. I appreciate people having the honesty to pick me up on such BS as you Americans tend to call it.


Please feel free to expose my deluded thinking anytime it raises its head - you will be doing me a favour.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 10:43am

RP,

If you are ending your affair, this is the place for you (-:

I remember reading this post from E1 - and then it hit me, if I really loved this person, and he really loved me, would we have asked one another to sign the following contract:

***

WOULD YOU SIGN THIS CONTRACT:

For the married party:

I promise to lie and cheat on my spouse.

I promise to compromise my morals and ethics to be in the affair.

I promise to hide all communications with affair partner from my spouse.

I promise to lie to my spouse about such communications if he/she accidentally sees one.

I promise to live in two worlds and not be fully available to either my spouse and/or family or to my affair partner.

I promise to lie to my affair partner when the truth will hurt him/her or when it’s more convenient or when the truth would end the affair.

I promise to accept the lie that the affair is making my marriage more bearable and is actually helping my marriage.

I promise to ignore any vows and or commitments I made to my spouse if they interfere with my affair.

If my spouse and I are currently sexually active, I promise to continue to have sex with my spouse but give my affair partner the impression that I don’t have sex or have very little sex with my spouse.

I promise to send affair partner a text/email/call to let him/her know I’m thinking of him/her during the holidays and or on my Birth Day.

I promise to not work on the problems in my marriage or within myself as that would eventually lead to dissolving the affair. Unless I get caught or the affair has run its course, then I can use the above as an excuse for ending the affair.

I will be open to having sex in places that are convenient regardless of the environment i.e. on or in vehicles, bathrooms (no matter how dilapidated or regardless of the smell), broom closets, office desk, floor, chair etc.

I promise to feel free to involve my emotions and make promises that I cannot possible keep as this is just a fantasy and is not a real life relationship. I also reserve the right to not involve any emotions if it is not convenient for me.

I promise to take time that I should be with or doing things for my spouse/family and give it to affair partner.

For those with a child/children:

I promise to put my needs first before my child’s/children’s

I promise to kiss my child/children good night with the same lips I kissed and did other acts with my affair partner.

I promise to act engaged in my child’s/children’s activities even if my mind is on my affair partner.

I promise to act morally and ethically in my child’s/children’s presence and expect them to be moral and ethical when I’m not.

I promise to lie to my child/children about my affair when and if it is necessary.

***

Does this seem like love to you?

I hope this helps.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 10:56am

Your post made me giggle for some reason.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 11:06am

Gosh, thank you for that....it is quite a contract and of course spot on. Nearly all of those things apply to my situation of course, including the bit about children.


I keep thinking what my AP would make of reading it but then of course i keep thinking what she would make of this film, or that song, or the news. What an obsession!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 11:09am

Thanks Clarity,


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 11:27am

I have to run...will have to catch you later.



"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 12:20pm

Hi RP,


Welcome to our community and yes, men are more than welcome to post here. I wish we get more to participate, but I think pride stands in their way, just like it does when

   ~Iddy~ 


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