Rules of No Contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Rules of No Contact
2
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 10:55am

Here is the list for newbies ... please pay particular attention to the tips that aren't only about not directly communicating with them, but also includes working on yourself to gain insights into your motivations. No contact with the xAP is just the beginning, the destination is quite something all together different.

TIP FOR MAINTAINING NO CONTACT:

1. Start by making a promise to yourself for upholding the following rules;

2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her.. This also includes...do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her.

3. I will not email him/her.

4. I will not call him/her.

5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind.

6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.

7/ if he/she calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all.

8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.)

9. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it.

10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it.

11. If he/she two-ways me, text messages or pages me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call.

12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-11, I will get to this board immediately and talk about it.....OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, manipulated me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarrass me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used sex or love as a way to intentionally hurt me.

13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this?

14. If friends and family are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle.

15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation.

16. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move on and not dwell on this for ever.

17. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment.

18. I will accept reality-The facts.

19. I will accept others for who they are.

20. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me.

21. I will refuse to believe any of his/her lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying.

22. I will distrust every time he/she has a "change of heart"

23. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.

24. I must accept my own responsibility in this relationship.

25. I will strive to find what it was that he/she invoked in me that created MY destructive behavior.

26. Get therapy to help you sort out your feelings and to teach you new coping skills so you will never go down this road again.

***

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:34am

Hey there TU

I've read this many times over the last 18 weeks, and every time it's given me a bit more of encouragement and understanding in my journey of healing. Tonight I am patting myself on the back for maintaining the rules, even though I'm still occasionally tempted to cyber stalk. I've resisted... and (hopefully) will continue to do so. Lord knows each time I've done it, it only caused me more pain and heartbreak!

We all have to accept some responsibility for our own healing process. It's hard work, and we can't have someone else do it for us. We got ourselves in to this mess, it's up to us to get out of it. In the long run, we will be stronger and much happier people once the fog is gone for good.

Thanks for posting it again,
Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:34am

XFAX,


<have to accept some responsibility for our own healing process. It's hard work, and we can't have someone else do it for us. We got ourselves in to this mess, it's up to us to get out of it. >


Yes, you are absolutely correct. It is part of the ending

   ~Iddy~