This site has ruined my affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
This site has ruined my affair
31
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:01am

I have been on to MAS and read posts and all i see is impending heartache for those in an affair, including me of course.


I dont want to have people empathise about how it must be hard to get a chance to meet up etc.


I now need to read and hear about how it is possible to end the A. My religious beliefs prevent me from even contemplating divorce, and that is even assuming me and the AP got together which is a big if. And if we did, the guilt would kill that relationship, i know it would. SO THERE IS NO FUTURE TO THE A.


My AP is now on holiday for a week. She will ring when she get a chance. Is it ok to end it now or is that unacceptably cruel, given she will be suffering whilst with her H and children?


Shall i wait until she is back and in the meantime keep communication to a minimum?


Rob

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:11am

LOL...I just posted in to your leaving thread and now I read this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:42am

Rob -

Welcome to EAS! Good choice :) There is no "good" time or "right" time to end your A. You just need to do it. Don't look at it as being cruel to end it while she is on holiday, look at it as a gift you are giving her - one that she won't even realize right now. There have been many times in that past that I've had to deal with XAP-related things, and being "forced" to live life (such as being around family on vacation) has actually helped. Keep it simple.

Read and post, we'll be here to get you through.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 11:04am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 11:19am

Glad you're sticking around!

As for ending...there's no easy way to do it. You just do. I'm S and xAP is M. I ended things just a bit over a week ago, it was a Friday and I knew he'd be out for the weekend with his family. I knew it would hurt, but not doing it was hurting me more and for once I had to put me first. If 'it will hurt him' kept me back, I would have never ended things. Also, and Transcendingus had posted this in another thread of yours, "No face to face meeting, and NONE of the following are be included: "for now" ... "I will love & miss you forever", "maybe in time" ... you have to SHUT the door forever."
I agree with this. Especially as a S person; xAP 'threw me under the bus' back in Jan, but left things on the 'for now/I will always love you' note...which kept me hooked and waiting. Allowed things to drag on for much longer.
You can be polite (I wasn't rude or harsh in my ending), but firm. Don't drag it out, it just hurts way more.


----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10

----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 11:23am

Hi Alice,


Thanks for your words of support. I had the text all ready to go and waiting for her to text me ( she only does so when her H is safely away as he has become suspicious).


I will wait until she gets back then, but i want to stay on here to stay determined. I wrote a story to myself a week ago as a sort of Christmas Carol. At the moment i have a great job, live in a nice house in a lovely area, two wonderful boys and a wife who like her H, is not perfect, but is a great mother.


The AP has the mirror image of what i have.


I wrote a story in which her H found out. He got mad, they split up. I got drunk and could not deal with the guilt. I left my job. I ended up with AP but of course only seeing my kids now and again. The relationship with my AP ended through guilt. She found someone else.


I was left alone, jobless, homeless and hardly seeing my boys.


That's a nightmare scenario. It could happen though, right.


God, i am getting so angry....do you know that my AP has ofgten told me to leave my marriage not to be with her, as she thinks hers is all fine, but so i can 'free' myself to find another woman who loves me. She says that she loves me and that is why she wants me to do this. Is it me, or is that just arrogant BS?! She's happy to give advice which deprives my boys of a father while she stays with her kids!


Last week when we spoke she sensed i was wavering and she told

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 11:35am
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 11:55am

Hi Alice,


well, she is married to the boy she met at college but in fact they had a tumultuous relationship in the early days. She always had a relationship in reserve, another boyfriend and so when i have asked her how she deals with the lying, she says that i need to remember that she had alot of practice when in college! She has had many boyfriends in the past and i think she has a thing about 'falling in love'. She said once that if we were both ever free to marry me, that she would if she was 'still in love' with me. It struck me as a rather immature basis to marry someone - on a chemical reaction....


Would i be wrong in thinking that i am now just the new 'man in reserve'? She hates the idea of me going, i know she does as I am part of the team that makes her feel better. She has many fine qualities too of course, but i dont need to rehearse those when my sanity is on the line.


She is not callous, and would obviosuly do anything to avoid hurting anyone, well nearly anything.


My dream was shattered when she went away with her husband for a romantic holiday for two weeks. Before she went she stated that she 'could not give me up just yet'. Flattering isnt it - like i was a cigarette habit!


I missed her so much and my wife put my low mood down to depression and helped me alot....(what a woman she is). Then i realised that my AP could have texted me all along but thought it was inappropriate to do so while with her H on a romantic holiday. It made me feel like a spineless fool!


Now whenever i talk to my AP, the easiness has gone. I feel nervous and vulnerable and i know it's changed for me.


Keep hitting me.....it's good!


Rob


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:01pm

My word, I am getting a tiny bit of clarity at last...maybe it was not having her around as much........


It's good for me to get in touch with the humiliation i feel surely? It de-romanticises it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:20pm

Hello RP,


I have lots to say, but not too much time and I am sadly low on energy or patience. Please start your ending off on the right foot by considing ONLY your own needs. End it. Why are her feelings taking priority over your own? I can bet there were MANY times when she did/said/didn't do/didn't say things that impacted you, and yet you had to carry on like things were normal. I think dragging this affair on one minute longer is a huge mistake.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:22pm

I can do that...keep hitting 'til I see some introspection on you...about you.


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