What Would you Say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
What Would you Say?
19
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 6:10pm

As many of you know, I have a blog where I jot down my thoughts about this road to recovery after ending an A. In the beginning, I wrote mostly about my healing, and now, almost 7 months out of my A, I write about rebuilding my marriage. Through the blog world, I've found many other "A blogs" and enjoy reading the various perspectives and supporting those committed to ending their A's and pushing those caught up in the fog to end theirs. Recently, my blog has come under attack by some who appear to be pro-A. They challenge me to argue why A love isn't real love. I know in my heart that A love isn't real love- I've seen so many stories here that have proven that to me. I know in my heart that ending my A was the right choice; the only choice. Some people in the blog world think I am self righteous because of that. They want so badly to convince the world that they are the exception. They pose arguments about why their A is "real." When I come here, I don't often have to face someone who believes this. We come here because we want to end our A... the argument is already won for the most part. So, what do I say to someone who challenges me that their A is real love... that their AP and them are meant to be? That they aren't caught up in a fog, but rather a real relationship?

I appreciate all input :)

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 7:00pm

Hi Jane :)

<<<>>>

I know that your blog is a little different - it's not EAS, where we are all actively ending our A. But, I would still respond just as you would to anyone on EAS. You said it yourself Jane - "I know in my heart that A love isn't real love" and you are so right. It's not realistic that we can change the world, but we can give our honest views where and when we can. The world is filled with opinionated people. Some will listen to your advice and some will refuse.

If someone makes a comment that you don't agree with, just keep your response simple - "I respect your opinion and thank you for sharing" or something along those lines. As we know here, all affairs have an expiration date. The people that are commenting on your blog saying their situation is different, just aren't as close to smelling as rotten as they need to be yet.

Remember too, for every one a-hole that doesn't "get it" yet, there are probably 20 that do. :) I love your blog - keep it up - your way :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 7:37pm

Jane,


I sent a reply to you via email.


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 7:48pm

For me, love is not just a feeling.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:00pm

Jane,
anybody who purports to understand the nature of "real love" is completely out of touch. poets and philosophers have been trying to do it for centuries to no avail.

i am a firm believer in the idea that we cannot tell people that their feelings are "wrong". i think that your blog is an excellent chronicle of one woman's struggle to understand and overcome her experience with an affair. and it is just that-one woman's perspective. others are entitled to their opinions and you're not trying to convince anybody that you're an A expert and that your insights are applicable to everybody. if somebody doesn't agree with what your blog has to say, then they dont have to read it. period.

if you're getting emails/comments from people who feel that your perspective on As is inaccurate and does not apply to them, then thats fine. welcome to the internet, ladies and gents. sometimes you read stuff that doesn't apply to you. my point is that i dont feel that you need to convince any of these people or "win" the argument that As are destructive and unhealthy. that was YOUR experience, and your blog is about YOU and YOUR feelings. if they think that affairs get a bum rep, then they can start their own blog about the joys of infidelity.

you rock jane. anybody who has anything else to say about it can f*ck themselves. send them my way. i have tattoos and drive a motorcycle. (i'm also 5"4", but dont tell them that...) ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:06pm

Hi Jane


I think it was liberty wisdom that said something very early on in my ending about love.....


I would never claim not to have loved xAP and he me, at the time the emotions were REAL, misplaced but REAL......

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:30pm

I am with Clarity - love isn't a word, it's a verb. You feel it based on how you are treated, not the words that are said to you.

This is taken from the When is enough ENOUGH? thread in the healing library - but it fits so perfectly here:

LOVE does not leave you saying ENOUGH:

Waiting for his call…

His indifference, at times…

Not looking directly at myself in the mirror…

Knowing I’m a liar…

Loving a liar…

Keeping my family distant so I could leave to call him…

My heart bottoming out when he couldn’t keep our date…

Wondering what was mine…

Erasing calls and texts at the end of the day…

Feeling shelved…

Being placated with a phone call…

Being charmed out of rightfully feeling hurt…

My moods vacillating with his…

Sneaking and hiding…

Waiting for the other shoe to drop…

The jealousy, when they had a weekend alone…

Feeling distracted all the time…

Having almost no rights…

The deep low that almost always followed our highs…

Conviction…

Fear of hurting my family or his…

Feeling guilty for making love to my husband…

Changing the subject when my friends brought up cheaters

The hollow sound of my words when I counseled others…

Tolerating the intolerable…

Selling out…

Not feeling shame…

Stealing from another woman…

Feeling cheated...and accepting it...

Falling asleep wondering what was going to happen...

Waking up wondering what was going to happen...

Always, always thinking, worrying, wondering what was going to happen...

Pulling away from my friends because I felt guilty and dirty (even though they didn't know)...

Pushing my children away so I could read his e-mails in private...

Watching his wonderful life crumble all because of my (and his) SELFISHNESS...

frantically erasing the caller id's on all 4 phones AND 3 tv's before H gets home..

racing for the phone before H gets it... just in case.

being so jealous that I can't sleep.

shoving H and the kids out the door early so I can check my email.

neglecting my kids so I can answering emails

being hurt, disappointed and jealous when he cancels our meetings because of her...or just standing me up.

losing so much weight that friends and family talk about what
horrible sickness I must have.

Not enjoying my family because of thinking of him.

***

I may not know what Love is ... although I do expect it to have many textures ... I don't think it leaves anyone feeling the things we felt in the affair. We may have said we loved one another, we may have even felt something that felt like "love", but when one really thinks about it - would we REALLY treat anyone else we loved with such callous disregard? Would we ask someone we loved to treat the ones THEY loved with such callous disregard?

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/22/2010 8:32 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:30pm
I like this response better than mine :)


"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:00pm

They want so badly to convince the world that they are the exception. They pose arguments about why their A is "real."


Well Jane that is your blog and if they disagree they should put up their own blog.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:03pm

Affairs have


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 2:17am
Whether it's love, by anyone's definition, or not... does it matter? What matters is being a person you can respect and hopefully someday finding someone whom you respect as well. Jane, stay true to who you are and tell YOUR truth. Some will get it and, sadly, some will not. I really admire your strength and commitment to shining a clear, bright light in the blogging world. Keep up the good fight.
Bestest,
Dee

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