Moving away from AP cuts both ways
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| Mon, 08-23-2010 - 5:11pm |
The opportunity for make-up sex and starting up again is gone. (700 miles).
But now I'm in a new part of the country and my only meaningful adult communication is with my wife who doesn't now how to talk about anything other than her job, our kids and her mother.
She has zero interest in the outside world. Her work computer has ZERO saved bookmarks other than accounting boards. Has anyone ever heard of that? Her only comments about newspapers are that I don't recycle all of mine. In my free time if I'm not reading, playing with the kids and the pets or working out I'm sleeping, usually with a book on my chest - well now it's my ipad. I keep telling my wife I need more companionship from her. She says between her job and the kids she is maxed out. I believe that is why she turned a blind eye to my A.
Everyone who knows me (probably including my wife) thinks I'm the biggest tough guy on the planet. And I'm dying of lonliness without my xAP's friendship.
PS - my wife and I have an incredibly good sex life though. After 14 years it's still literally every day. At a minimum its 6 days a week. So I'm not pining away for my "cake". I'm missing my friend.

DDB,
WARNING: Some tougher love is coming your way (from someone who has BTDT):
"Now I need to make certain I don't go for my second A. That was my first and only. (but it was 4 plus years) . But the same issues at home still exist, they are just more prominent without xAP. My therapist said xAP was keeping me married.
So how are YOU making certain of this? All I see you doing is blaming your wife for the affair:
"She has zero interest in the outside world. Her work computer has ZERO saved bookmarks other than accounting boards. Has anyone ever heard of that? Her only comments about newspapers are that I don't recycle all of mine. In my free time if I'm not reading, playing with the kids and the pets or working out I'm sleeping, usually with a book on my chest - well now it's my ipad.
"I keep telling my wife I need more companionship from her. She says between her job and the kids she is maxed out. I believe that is why she turned a blind eye to my A."
Hmmm - shaking my head with this one. As many betrayed spouses will state, what you consider a 'blind eye' is actually the trusting devotion from the person you pledged to stay committed to. Ya - she does sound maxed out - working "double duty" inside and outside of the home is beyond exhausting. Aside, whatever your wife does/doesn't do - it's absolutely 100% your responsibility that you chose to have an affair to have your needs met.
Many people are in miserable marriages and don't chose to have an affair. If you keep telling your wife the same thing over and over, and your needs aren't being met - that doesn't excuse the affair: it means either work with her to hear the message in a different way (marriage counseling), or get a divorce and move on.
"As xAP said I was keeping her maried. She was the most intimate friend I ever had. Well, except for the stuff she lied to me about."
Can you see the silly in this statement? How can someone be the most intimate friend you ever had knowing that you and her both lied to one another? My best friend is the one person I can be totally honest with - right down to the 'yup - you look fat in that'. Seriously, that's not intimacy you describe.
"You want it to be this way, but it's that way."
What does this mean? That you want your affair partner but because she didn't want you in RL, you're what ??? Wallowing in what you couldn't have? I know that you're hurting, I know you want what you can't have, and that you're missing someone you think was a "friend". I bet your wife wants a loyal and devoted husband - her needs aren't being met either; she just doesn't know it.
What actions are YOU going to take to assist getting your life back on track?
So - now you have moved 800 miles away - you've established NC, perhaps now you need to start answering the list of questions that Clarity provided to RP:
1. Why am I here?
2. What is it within me that led me down this destructive path?
3. What are some changes that need taking place within me and how can I start that process.
4. Why was I/am I (not so much anymore) so willing to turn the world of my wife and children (and her husband's and her children's) topsy turvy, shatter their dreams of a secure and happy future, and most of all, jeopardize losing them?
5. What is lacking in me that I was/am unable/unwilling to remain true to my commitment to love, honor, and cherish.
These are the wonderings I'd like to hear about from you so we can support and help you.
***
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
DDB,
Dude! I totally get what you're saying, totally. However, and i'm not trying to be a huge prig here, this is a post that would be really great on a marriage support board. I don't see you dodging responsibility for the A in this post (not from the literal reading and I won't infer intent otherwise.) What I do see is an incredibly lonely person who is struggling to find connection in a situation that feels hopeless (btdoingt). I think you know that finding that connection in an inappropriate relationship outside of marriage is not an option. So, either fix what you have - or learn to live with the status quo - or leave the M and move on. If you figure out how to get your W to pay attention to you or have something interesting to say, let know the trick!
Best,
Dee
Thanks. I certainly wasn't intending to say my wife caused my A. No way. The blame is all hung on me. I met a wildly attractive woman who I emotionally connected with and I cheated. Selfish to say the least.
You want it to be this way, but it's that way. - is a quote from a tv show. It's basically saying deal with reality. Nothing is perfect. Don't whine.
And I was using dark humor with my referral of my xAP as being most intimate friend. Except when she lies. I'm sorry the irony was not clear. Cheaters don't make good friends.
But yes, I'm lonely. My DW is not the companion I really want. See quote above. But I'm not sure life's solutions are so black and white. There is a definite right and wrong. But tamely married in misery (of which I am not close, I actually have a great wife) or divorce is tough to abide.
I am lucky I am not faced with that choice.
Muddy Waters
It will be much better for you that you are now away from your XAP, it will do you much good. How long have you now been moved away?
It actually helps me to feel better about my XAP after reading stuff you say; he too is mr. though guy, tatts, seems to have a heart of stone yet I've never believed it, ever. When I want to hate him I never could/can.
I'm sorry your DW is too busy for....anything but sex it seems. Have you tried talking to her about this, about how you feel?
Thanks Amber for some cool ideas. My desperation mostly comes from us never really being in synch. But it hasn't really mattered too much, Because I always had significant distractions. When we met I was in international marketing, so I traveled the globe constantly and it was great having a very mellow, beautiful, quiet girl who was really into having sex with me. She didn't complain if I was gone for 2 weeks. Careers are extremely important, so she just worked more.
Then I quit that and opened a gym and worked 7 days a week. After a few years of that I met xAP.
Throughout this my DW continues to refer to me as her best friend. WTF? She doesn't know much about me at all. Other than I'm a psychopath. And I had an A with our neighbor. Although we never had an official DD. Strange. I'm the best friend who cheats on you.
Muddy Waters