Need Some Advice - Before AM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Need Some Advice - Before AM
11
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 7:50pm

Hi,


I'm new here to this board. I knew a man for 8 years that I worked with (he's in a very senior position) and I was always secretly in love with him like an unattainable crush. He's 10 years older. We always worked well together and he was really good to me and caring. Both of us are married and there are kids. Again, he has a lot at stake in the company and with his stay at home wife and multiple kids, big house etc. He has a bit of an ego too but had gone through a bad time where business was bad etc. so i think that took a bit of a hit as well.


Over a year ago, out of the blue - he made a pass at me. I didn't see it coming and barely looked at him like that anymore. But because I was in a bit of a bad place myself, I was like a girl back in high school who just found out the captain of the football team liked her. We had a bit of an 'emotional affair' for 6 months with a lot of flirting but nothing really being said. He came to visit as he was working away for a year

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 8:15pm

Hi GG


I just came out of a 10 year EA with XMM I work with, so I can speak to this to some extent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 8:33pm

Gogo,
Put your ego away and look at it differently. This dude almost f'd up his life for a fling; he changed his mind, and although he's probably not rock solid on staying on the right path (ie the gym glass thing), he's trying as hard as he can to be professional and mitigate any further temptation. He's doing the RIGHT THING. Don't take it so gosh-darn personally. Sadly, you two mucked up a perfectly good working relationship (unrequited, unannounced) crush situation. Can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, can you? Nope. So quit pouting and be a big girl. Go to work tomorrow and act like a pleasant, professional woman. Respect the fact that this guy does not want or fears a personal conversation with you and don't push that. And if you were savvy, you'd not want the personal conversation either. All that talk about wanting to talk about your lives after 'what you went through' is all about _inappropriate_ connection and is A-having mindframe if I've ever heard it.

Good luck and I hope I never see you here again! ;)
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 8:52pm

I'd


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 8:59am
So I took the advice. Business professional only. No unnecessary conversations. I've always been someone who did the right thing until all this, so I've gone back to that again. He came looking
For me to go for coffee and I said that no - that was fine. I was busy trying to get things done. Told him I didn't drink coffee anyway only green iced
Tea and that was fine. He came back and had bought me one. I just said thanks. Then early this morning he sends me an email and says his wife wants to know where to get the best green iced teas downtown - as they are visiting here so he thought he would ask the iced tea expert? So this is what I mean - I'm trying to be professional but I don't want to give her advice on anything. I'm just here to work now. So what is the best way and professional way to deal with this. Just say nothing? Why ask me??
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 9:11am

GG,


Your original post said he was leaving in two days, so would that be today? Don't answer the email about the iced tea. Just ignore it and act like you were too busy to read it. Get on with your day and continue acting professional. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, so if you are always jumping when he says "jump" then he'll always expect this. It's time to keep your feet firmly on the ground and start swishing this guy away like a an annoying little fly. He shouldn't be playing footsy under the table with anyone but his wife. ;-)


((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 9:53am
Thanks - I appreciate and took your advice. No he's not leaving for another 4 or 5 days. I'm just starting to look at this differently or at him differently. I know I haven't done or said anything since that is flirtatious or suggestive in any way. Just starting to wonder if this is some sort of mind game he's playing to see my reaction or see if the email bothers me because now he's wondering if I like him anymore or not and thats an ego boost for him. Not trying to overanalyze but the email just left a sour taste in my mouth and if it is a game - I'm not playing so he can go on his way. Just going to put my head down and do my work. I can't undo the past but I can try to be the respectable woman I want to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 10:19am

Hi GG--he is making attempts to see how willing, able and "discreet" you will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 10:21am

GG,


<<I can't undo the past but I can try to be the respectable woman I want to be. >>


Absolutely. I agree with this being some kind of game for him. It's called, "I bet I can get Gogirl to stroke my ego if I keep pressing." You will be the winner here if you continue to ignore emails or any flirtatious conversations by not making any eye contact and looking annoyed that he is in your space. I work with my Xmm, and I had to do this for over a year until he finally realized I wasn't in the game anymore.


Respectfully yours, (Cause I respect you ;-)

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 4:09pm

Thanks - I took your advice. I was outside and he was standing in front of our office talking to some guy. The old me would have called out or walked by and squeezed his arm, but I just completely ignored him and kept walking by. Never heard a word the rest of the day.

I really think he is a big bluff. He acts like has a pile of things going on socially and you know alot of it is crap. A few people have commented how strange it is that he hasn't brought his wife and kids by the office. There's no way to win with someone with a big ego I guess except to completely ignore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 12:16pm

Me again - sorry but just news quick advice. I don't trust myself anymore..

He's gone now - never did speak to me again. So he just gets invited to this big banquet and told the girl on email that I will take care of registering him. I'm not his secretary. Thats not my job in the company. So she writes back to me with the online form and cc him saying he can bring his spouse. The form is like four pages long and if he wants to bring her, I have to include her meal preferences and activities she would like to be involved in throughout the day? What do I say back to him that won't
Make him think that just hurt and don't want to do it??? I've sent him a bunch of work related items I news him to review and hasn't responded to one, but this he sends to me!!

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