Future

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Future
3
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 9:17am

I know this will sound dumb to some, but how do you handle relationships with the opposite sex after the A?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: mynameislolly
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 9:59am

Lolly,
(love the new name, btw)
This is NOT a dumb question, at all. We've covered getting into new Rs here before and the general consensus is that it's best to wait until you've got your shiz together before you get involved with anyone else's shiz. for sure. If you jump into another R too soon, you rob yourself of precious YOU time, where the focus is just on you - and perhaps for the first time ever in your life, ykwim? Learning to stand on your own two feet, without a R to distract you or sustain you, is a skill one has to learn in order to be whole -- and then, being whole, you are able to have a healthy, power-balanced R with someone else. Not only that, but I'd suspect your man-picker might be damaged right now; best to take some time to better figure out what you want (and DON'T want!) in a man, lest you end up with another JAM.

We've also covered here on EAS the importance of knowing your affect on men and not naively flirting or inviting attention you don't want - especially if you're prone to seeking ego gratification in the wrong places. Setting boundaries for yourself and your behavior needs to be a conscious decision until it becomes second nature for you.

Being single again is an exciting time. btdt. So keep that in mind and don't get carried away with it.

Best!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: mynameislolly
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 2:57pm

Since I have been in T, I have learned to look at my pre-A behaviors which may have caused me to give myself permission to have an A. It has been a real eye-opener for me and I am learning to spot those behaviors and change them. One of the things that stood out to me in your post is that you indicated that you have a lot of male friends whom you confide in emotionally. Before you start a new relationship I would strongly suggest that you figure out why you have so many male friends who you share emotional feelings and thoughts with. Is this some need for validation? IDK? One of those "friends" has already come on to you letting you know that he is interest. So you are sharing with this "friend" and he is already letting you know he will more than willingly be next in line for you. This "friend" is putting the moves on you before you are even D.


Maybe your boundaries are not strong enough with the opposite sex. I know most women can't make close friends with a lot of guys because I don't know one woman who hasn't let men know that they are crossing the line. Also, most women I know with a lot of male friends have a higher need to get attention from men. They crave it (usually). I am not saying that men and women can't be friends, I am just questioning the boundaries you draw with men. I think that should be evaluated before you start another relationship. We have to fix what went wrong and why we allowed ourselves to enter toxic relationships. If you don't uncover why you went astray (aside from a bad M) you will only invite more toxic men into your life. I strongly suggest T, it has made a world of difference for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
In reply to: mynameislolly
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 5:09pm
Mom,
Thank you so much for your insight - I think you are right about me needing to evaluate my pre-A behaviors, and I am in T - and it is helping we just haven't delved into this yet. As for being friends with guys - I just always have. I'm the girl in the background - I just tend to get along better with men than women. Definitely something to talk about at T next week. I don't just share my emotional stuff openly with the guys I am friends with - but my best friend IS a guy - and not the one that came on to me. I have wondered if my natural bond with my Dad (who has now passed) has anything to do with being friends with men....hmmmmm
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