cheating so early in the marriage....
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| Wed, 08-25-2010 - 11:06pm |
so, i'm not sure how many of you know my backstory, but i suspect i am on the younger side of the group here. i'm 29, I just got married a year ago, and started cheating almost immediately. i posted this on one of iddy's threads in the MM/MW section, but i wanted to give you a quick background on how i got into this mess.
i felt so trapped and stuck, after years of being happy with my boyfriend, suddenly we got married and i felt like we had aged 30 years over night (and for those of you who are 60, hey, thats totally cool ;0) ). anyway, hubby never wanted to do anything, he was always grumpy and irritable. he stopped being affectionate, and we fell into these hetero-normative routines where i'd grocery shop and cook and he's take out the trash and recycling. we used to go out all the time, dinners, drinks, just spending the day in a coffee shop reading. suddenly we were married, and he'd come home from work, sit on the couch scratching his balls, and have a beer. and i'd be sitting next to him folding laundry, thinking "holy sh*t, is this my life?"
he was SO obsessive about money, and he started being controlling, demanding to see receipts from whenever i went to the store, nit picking on details about my spending. he started being super critical of how i did things, everything from laundry ("you use too much fabric softener") to driving ("you dont watch the road enough"). i felt like he was giving me the 3rd degree whenever i went any where, and slowly the dynamic started turning from partners to more like parent and child (i was the child). and when i'd try to talk to him about how i felt that things had suddenly gotten so f'ed up almost over night, he told me that i was just selfish and immature and it was time to "grow up" and that going out for happy hours and staying up late and sleeping in was something you do in your early 20s, but now we're almost 30, and we're married, and its time to "get serious".
anyway, i'm sharing all of this, because i realize that my entire marriage has been defined by this affair, so far. i barely engaged with marriage, i freaked out immediately and began to stray. one thing my AP used to say to me that really scared me is "if you started cheating on your husband 3 months in, and you really believe this is the guy for you, then you're lying to yourself. nobody strays that early, unless you're really not meant to be". AP was a few years older and had been married 5 years, and said that he never dreamed of cheating until shortly before he met me, because in their first few years, the relationhship was still full of sparks. he implied that because mine wasn't, i had made a huge mistake.
now, as H and i are rebuilding, im feeling good about him and our relationship again. he's chilled out a lot; we've talked a LOT about our expectations from marriage and how we want to proceed, and he's acknowledged a lot of his jerky behavior this year. i acknowledged a lot on my part as well(not every little detail, but a lot)
so now, it's like a take 2. we had our 1 year anniversary recently, and thats when i cut contact with AP, wanting to turn over a new leaf. he again reminded me that i was "living a lie" (thanks a$$hole!).
so here i am, trying to do the marriage thing right. but i have no clue how. all i know is, i love my H, but i desperately want to feel like life is still exciting and full of possibilities. the humdrum of daily existence just makes me want to run away, which is what got me into this mess.
is something wrong with me? is my AP right--am i living a lie? am i just not ready for marriage?
thank you guys for your feedback. im' just trying to make sense of everything, and i'm doing way more thinking than i should be, but i know you guys are such an insightful group and i'd love any thoughts you had to share.

Is something wrong with you?? I think there is/was something wrong with all of us on this board. Most of us realize that we had an A because of something inside of us, fix that thing and try to live honorable and respectful lives. The fact that you started cheating had nothing to do with your M. That is on you. What inside of you gave you the right to cheat? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Your DH isn't responsible for your happiness and you both are responsible for the state of your M. I have been M a very long time and I cheated after being M a long time. Our M had little to no intimacy because I had withdrawn from my DH a long time ago. I had a problem with intimacy which I am working on in T. You may have a problem with commitment.
AP used to say to me that really scared me is "if you started cheating on your husband 3 months in, and you really believe this is the guy for you, then you're lying to yourself. nobody strays that early, unless you're really not meant to be".
Don't listen to your XAP. He will say anything to keep you coming back to him making him feel good. He really isn't living an honest life himself. All M go through a dry spell and he is running out and finding a willing woman after the excitement in his M dwindles down. What does that say about him? It doesn't matter if you have been M five months or 50 years cheating is cheating. M is about committing to one person and going through the hills and valleys. It's about being committed to fix what is broken when needed. If the two of you agree to bring in a third party that's another story but your DH didn't sign up for an open M and therefore he should have the choice to decide whether he wants to share his W with another man. You are putting too much stock into what your XAP has told you and that is not good for you. If you want to commit to your M do so without your XAP involved but really work on why you gave yourself permission to betray your DH. That answer is within you and your beliefs, value and self worth.
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
thank you both so much for your feedback. garfy, i always appreciate knowing that i'm not alone in my struggles. i think that neither my husband NOR i had any idea what "being married" was supposed to be like, and we each freaked out in our own ways. he become obsessive and controlling, i became rebellious and irresponsible. i acted out, which led to cheating, which is not acceptable. like mommeandmyboys said, it doesn't matter when you cheat. it's still wrong. my AP is just saying things to mess with my head and get me to doubt myself.
i think the other thing is that my H and i are both very cerebral and intellectual. our arguments involve getting tangled up in semantics and we often fail to understand the emotional depth of what the other is experiencing. we are trying to learn to communicate better about that.
i just feel nervous that i started cheating so early because it makes me think that i'm not cut out for marriage, or that i'm still too young to settle down.
i think what i am starting to realize is that my perception of marriage is based on cliches and insecurities, not on realities, and that my husband and i can decide what the character of the marriage can me. i needed to stand up for myself more this year, to be like "hey, you never used to ask me these things, what gives?" but instead, i just withered and ran to AP. and for his end, he needs to CHILL out and stop trying to control everything.
it's just all unfamiliar territory. i'm rebuilding a marriage but i dont know what im building it in TO.
thank you guys for your feedback. it always helps to know you're not alone :)
I share so many of your feelings E82!
I am 28. I've been married for 2 years. I started the A BEFORE even getting married. However, my then fiancee and i were together a long time.
Wow. The way you describe your H, that's my H!! The feet up and flopped on the couch! hahaha Nagging about money. God. Same thing. BUt havign said that, he has many good qualities, too. Let's not forget that the A was never about our H's in the first place. It was about US and our selfishness.
Once the A is over, we can see our life for what it really is, and make some sober decisions.
All the best,
Sunshine
.
Sunshine
.
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d