How to really and TRULY let go......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
How to really and TRULY let go......
9
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 1:07pm

Hello All –


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 1:31pm

I don't know your whole story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 1:31pm

Hi Crazygirl4sure,

First of all congrats on 10 weeks of LC! Way to go girl!

I'm still a newbie too, and have not had to deal with xMM anymore because he was laid off at my work and fortunately have not run into him though we live only two miles apart.

I know there are others who have gone through what you are going through and hopefully soon they will post with advice on how to stay on track in the work place.

My opinion on training your mind to not go there...yep, everytime thoughts came into my head, I jumped up to do something else, I got busy and STAYED busy, I mean REALLY busy almost to the point of too much, but I know how I work. I think my mind got used to 'not going there' and I don't much anymore. I do occasionally, I am human, there are triggers, but they don't pain me anymore. They really don't, I could care less, but then I have been blessed with NOT seeing or hearing from him.

Realize they are just thoughts, the reminiscing of feel good thoughts will fade. I used to go there in my mind to get a feel good fix but soon learned it wasn't doing anything for me, so that is when I started doing things for me that would help me, help me feel good and not the xMM memories. Again, its time.

Hang in there, I know having to see him must be the pits. Ignore him, talk only if you have to and don't let him get the best of you. It's NOT worth it!

Take care of you!

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 1:42pm

Hello Crazy Girl,


First off, I just want to share, that I think LC makes healing take much longer (btdt) ... and it wasn't until I was totally away from xAP that I could see clearly. I can feel you struggling to move past your feelings for him, and I am proud of you for some of the steps you have made (-:


However, although you have been in LC for almost 10 weeks, there are various ways in which you have remained caught up in the drama of the affair, and have broken LC. I think this is part of the issue - that you haven't been able to recognize the ways in which you are breaking some LC rules, thus at 10 weeks out, you're not feeling as clear from the fog as you would like to be. Additionally, it is important to remember that going LC/NC is also a commitment to doing more than just eliminating or reducing contact, but about turning inward towards answers - and not only is it about learning not to care, it is about re-training your thought processes and DECIDING not to care. Waiting for some magic point in time in which the hurt goes away, won't cut it. It is so hard when you are LC, because all your energy just goes into keeping sane around them. There seems hardly the energy to get at some of the deeper issues that continue to block your progress. I know you have been challenged to keep him and his business outta your brain, and to some extent it seems that you are still seeking some kinda validation/connection from him.


Here is an example:


"I’ve really tried to look elsewhere when XAP is around because for a while there we were making pretty deep eye contact and it made everything so much harder"


I remember reading your post not too long ago about finally having this deep eye contact ... and I wondered to myself what it was you were looking for from him? It comes off as game playing on both your parts. Who is looking at who, when ... will we make eye contact etc...


I know you say it is dumb & that it shouldn't matter - but to you it does, and I ask you why it matters?


"So just a while ago I’m at the copier and I hear him coming….so what do I do, I look up in hopes he is looking at me, lol (I know so dumb and who freakin cares) but I did and he just walked right past me as if I wasn’t even there (ouch) BUT I��ve done the same to him now for 2 days."


Another interesting thing you state in your message is this:


I still fight thoughts of him off in my mind (mostly reminiscing) but also fantasizing about things, (I know, isn’t good) but how do you really train yourself to not go there? I mean, the chemistry, the attraction is still so apparent between him and I and it’s ridiculous!


This little statement to me reflects where I was at early in my days of LC. I thought he was still so attractive and I still imagined us together physically. Now that I have had almost 2 months of complete NC, I know that I don't think of him in that way at all. My stomach churns at the thought of us together - what's the difference? Because his insides revolt me even if his outside is different. In fact I saw him at an event about 7 weeks ago, and there was not one bit of attraction from me to him. I couldn't get past what he represented to me: pain, hurt, suffering, humiliation, degradation ... you get the point. It is that whole "beauty is within" ...


So, CrazyGirl, keep working and keep asking yourself those tough questions. Examine the ways in which you are continuing to stay invested in a connection to him, and the games that you are playing. I know that things aren't easy for you ... and you're doing so much hard work to stick to LC, but perhaps some deeper digging is needed so that you can answer for yourself: how are you going to really and truly let go?


((hugs))


TU.



LC/NC since April 14, 2010


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/26/2010 1:46 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 2:10pm

Wow, I love your pov and there is much truth to all you've said;


You are right, for whatever reason I feel I'm still trying to

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 2:36pm

Hello,

I am glad that you found my post supportive.

I do know how you feel: I remember feeling like I was going crazy - wanting him to look, just so I could feel power when I didn't look back, I wanted him to cry at meetings because it was so hard (he would do that), I wanted him to hurt and I wanted to show him I was unaffected. But I was - I was affected. It was horrible, and like you, I wanted to want not to care. And then, in one email that was to be professional, he said too many things that got to me, and I realized that I would never ever heal and move on with him in my life in any capacity. He also was doing his best to make sure moving on was harder than staying in the affair ... so I decided I needed to leave a contract that I loved and would have benefited me for years to come. I took a major blow professionally (and financially) to save myself personally. I have never regretted that decision. If you have any opportunity to leave where you are employed, jump at it. This isn't about ego or feeling pi$$ed and angry that you have to leave your work (i felt this at one point) and your colleagues - this is a fight for your sanity - for your life. Once in a new place - you will see how worth it any and all of the employment based losses were worth. Nothing. Get out of that toxic environment if you can.

Much Love,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 2:43pm

I have no advice to offer you in the LC department.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 4:26pm

Yeah, I really don't want to quit my job, I love my job, all those I work with and I'd feel like I let him win but honestly that isn't why I want to stay, it is because I like where I work, it's perfect.


I feel I can overcome this if I just get in the right state of mind. I know that might sound silly but that is where I'm at..........like it was just said, I feel as if I am wanting to keep some sort of hold on XAP, as if i am afraid to cut ALL TIES with him???


I could never again enter into A land and am so glad to be out of the fog (most of it anyway) I just need to sever ALL ties and quit trying to hand on to something that is NOT there!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 10:30am

Hey CG,


I'm so sorry about what you're feeling right now, and I do understand your frustration in not having reached indifference yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 11:56am

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! It is nice to know I WILL eventually get to that point of indifference becuase that is ALL I WANT!


You are so right and dead on when you said you wanted him to contact you so you could ignore him, you wanted him to look so you felt empowered, that is how I feel. I want him to WANT me again so I can look at him and say - "na-na-na-na look what you once had that you no longer do"!!!!! THIS IS WHERE I HAVE TO LET GO!!


I purposely want him to see me on my good days when I look "extra good" so he can clearly see he no longer has me.


Once I get to that point of indifference I will be so much better off.