mythbusting the ex-AP
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| Fri, 08-27-2010 - 6:10pm |
been reading a bunch of today's posts and i've been thinking: so we're all ina greement that being in an A is a royal mess, and we're glab we're not in it anymore, right? but i've been thinking positive thoughts about my AP regardless, missing him, thinking of him fondly, despite knowing that friendship is impossible. i read rob's post about whether anger is necessary, and alice's post about the marriage article, and i've come to some conclusions.
anger may not be necessary, we dont have to hate our APs. but what we need to do is be realistic about what and who they were. there are a variety of myths and fantasy bubbles that kept us in the A, and are roadblocks to healing as well. i'd like to bust those bubbles for myself, and would love for you to join me in this exercise.
Myth 1: i kept (keep?) thinking that xAP was the best sexual partner i'd ever had.
FALSE! sex with him was a lot of fun, but was missing a crucial element; intimacy. i enjoyed it so much because it was kinky and different (i'm not sexually conservative, but please dont mistake, im not a raging slut either, i just enjoy experimenting). but, this is all a function of my OWN intimacy issues, my own difficulties really letting somebody in. i was so freaked out by how close H and i were, about how well he knew me, how much i felt obligated to him. sex with xAP felt like lighthearted and without the responsiblities that came with LOVE.
Myth 2: I felt that xAP had more in common with me than H. AP was always telling me he loved me and all my flaws, while H was always telling me was disappointed. i started feeling like AP was a better fit.
SO FALSE! what xAP and i shared were the qualities of mine that i'm not proud of, such as my recklessness, selfishness and blatant disregard for rules and authority figures. we also shared many good qualities, but we certainly do not have more in common than me and H do. i was simply in a very bad place where my negative qualities started overtaking my positive qualities and all i wanted to was to say "eff it!". so, AP and i bonded over that, but H encourages my best qualities, and complements my worst. thats the kind of person who makes a good mate.
Myth # 3: AP and i were such good friends.
FALSE: we were never friends. there was sexual tension from day one, and he crossed a line the first time the two of us hung out one on one. we're not capable of friendship, not just because of the A, but because we were never capable in the first place.
Okay, that's what i got for now.
Do you have myths that need busting?
Share them!

I completely understand where you are coming from, but those of us who had an EA may have different myths to bust.
Thanks for the post. I needed it tonight. Week 3 NC and I was about to facebook stalk-decided to come here instead.
Myth: He was so crushed when I said no more.
Reality: He (S) is now free to go on with his life and probably did.
Ok
1) Myth
We were good friends before we were in the A
Fact
I fancied her as soon as i saw her. We flirted from the off. We didnt kiss for a while but it was never platonic.
2) Myth
We have so much in common
Fact
We come from different backgrounds. I believe in God, she doesnt, and in fact has the odd knock at my beliefs.
She loves socialising and parties, clubs and dances. I love nature, walks, spiritual things.
3) Myth
We are always there for each other
Fact
No. A friend can text another friend at anytime of day and night and not worry beyond causing some inconvenience. If the time is right, and the wind is blowing in the right direction, it's safe for me to text!
4) Myth
Sexual contact was amazing
Fact
It was kinky. I enjoyed touching. But i did not 'enjoy' it. I could not let go as i knew it was wrong.
5)Myth
We are good faithful people who happen to have fallen in love which is why this is our first affair in many years of marriage.
Fact
We may be better than some, certainly worse than many, and are both f***** up in our different ways.
6) Myth
We would make great marriage partners
Fact
See all the above regarding differences. Plus, i'd be constantly worried whether she was having an affair. I have been amazed at her ability to compartmentalise.
7) Myth
We are so intimate
Fact
I cannot speak for how much she is hiding from me, but i have been more honest with people on this board than i have been with her in the years of this A. I simply do not feel comfortable enough to reveal my weaknesses and past mistakes to her.
My W knows all about my history and my past mistakes, apart from this affair of course
Myth: we shared so many secrets and so much of ourselves with each other that we knew each other better than anyone else in the world.
Truth: he only knew one part of me better than anyone else in the world, and that part of me I wish never existed. I hid this part of me from my RL people for a good reason. Now, that part of me is gone. So, therefore, is the connection to him. He does not know ME. He never saw me at my best, or even my half-best. He never saw me in my lowest RL moments (only my lowest A-related moments). He did not see the me that grieved death, suffered the stress of two difficult pregnancies, or the daily grind of my home and work. Everything that _really_ matters to me, he had no part of --- nor I in his life, either.
Myth: we were just two lost and lonely souls trying to cope with the crushing pain of empty marriages and unmet needs the only way we knew how without tearing our families apart.
Truth: total bullsh*t. We were two selfish, damaged, characterless fools who used each other like tools to get what we wanted - to the the detriment of all around us, even ourselves. We gave only what we had to give to each other in order to keep the cake a'coming. There was no selfless, sacrificing love or friendship involved, in spite of all the emo-tastic declarations to the contrary. It was a lie we told each other and ourselves.
great job guys! i'm so proud of us for being real with ourselves.
dee, your final myth really resonated with me; giving what you needed to in order to keep the cake coming. i know i did that. i dont think he did--he gave way more, and believed he was really in love with me. but i only did what i had to to keep that ego boost at hand when i needed it.
another myth for me: if AP and i had met when we were both single, we would surely have dated.
well, i cant say this is totally false, because its hypothetical, but the fact is, i dont think i would ever have seen this man as "husband material". he's like, somebody you date in college. tons of fun, sweet in a lot of ways, but really not somebody you bring home to mom and dad. and along those lines, i know my parents would probably not like him, which means a lot to me.
thanks for participating in this :)
Exist,
I did not want to respond to you on Pinky's thread because it's not fair to her to hi-jack it. WARNING - TOUGH LOVE COMING ATCHA.
You wrote:
>>i resurrected this thread because i wanted to admit that i'm back to square one too. almost 2 weeks (made it to 12 days), which is my record. its all my fault, it was stupid, and i regret it majorly.<<
As you should. You are good at talking the talk, but not at walking the walk.
<>
Time to stay away from the booze until you've established more resolve.
<<
~Iddy~
I know I built up my xAP to be a fantasy come true for 4 years. But now I have completely demonized her and that's not realistic either.
During the A she was so fantastic that I risked my family for her. She was so great that I didn't care how much I hurt my wife. XAP wasn't that great.
But now I am NC for over a month and it's because I completely demonized her. Both to her face and in my mind. I said the most horrible things I could think of. All based on true events, but much harsher than necessary.
So I have also invented the myth of my xAP being a succubus. Not realistic either, but it keeps me from contacting her and apologizing.
Affairs are horrible things. And even more horrible when you fall in love. Over a month of NC, and never more than 10 minutes pass without me missing her terribly. But I know it's all wrong. And at this point I may have finally done enough that she won't take me back. I've spent the past year trying to make her reject me cuz I wasn't strong enough. From attacking her character, making constant fun of her husband, even getting my DW initial tattoed over my heart. ( now that was rough on her, especially when she was on top)
So, I trick my mind into helping me behave as I wish to behave. Whether continuing the A at the expense of my family, or demonizing my xAP so I don't break down and call her in my misery.
Muddy Waters
iddy,
its been so long since you responded to one of my posts, it's nice to hear from you!
you're right, you're right, you're right. i think i was both grateful AND jonesing for a fix. i know it doesn't seem like it iddy, but i really have come a long way since when i first started posting here. i'm so much more aware of the damage the A has caused, the fact that NC is the only way, and the reasons why i got into the situation i did. i've been doing a great deal of self exploration. i know your point is "so what? insight does nothing without action". you are right, but im just telling you, i do believe i've made progress.
i am very good at talking the talk, because my head is screwed on straight, its the chemicals inside it that seem to go hawywire on me sometimes. i'm bright, and pretty insightful, but i'm also incredibly reckless and lack good impulse control, and am a bit of a danger junkie. thats what got me in the A to begin with.
so it seems there is a service offered by ATT that allows you to pay for having certain numbers blocked, so you cant call them, and they cant call you. when i looked it up before, it said you cant block specific numbers on iphone. so, if it turns out you can, i am going to do that.
i know people here are not very sympathetic to us when we break NC, i've gotten a good amount of tough love, and you know it kills me to hear it. i also know it comes from a good place. when i first came here, i was so offended by the tough love, but then i realized you guys do this to everybody :D
i'll get there. and if i dont, i'll just wuss out and stop posting here :P
thanks though. seruiosly.