It's been almost 3 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2009
It's been almost 3 weeks
4
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 12:05am
It has been awhile since I have been on this site for help due to me once again going back to ex ap. If you dont know my story I will try and get you caught up. I am a 36 yr old M mom of 6. I have a great H who was more of a roomate then a H. I have been M for 10 yrs and after 8 yrs of begging and pleading for more attention and for him to be a H I began an A with a 45 yr old police officer who has been in my life on and off since I was 17 yrs old. I have always felt I loved this man and he always played games with my head always saying I was his sister in public, gawking at other females right in front of my face, commenting on them also. I have excused all of this behavior and stayed by his side. I helped him with gifts for his children, himself, rented his apartments, always there when he needed to talk, vent. Whatever this man needed I would jump to help him. Last year I was out with friends and was dancing and he stopped talking to me for awhile even calling me a whore. This man slept with a client of mine that I put in his apartment. (still stayed even though that hurt so bad) I became a very different person stopped going out with friends, dying my hair so nobody would give me any attention, being the prim and proper person he wanted me to be. I became so paranoid I began proving every step of my day to him by taking pictures, calling to see when I tanned, etc.. I always had my cell phone with me in case he texted. (even having it with me at the beach in the water) Crazy right?? I never wanted him to think I was doing anything wrong. This relationship was a very unhealthy one, I knew it. This was a man who has never been there for me I hate to say this but I did get pregnant and had to have an A. He drove me there and it was a silent ride home I went against all of my beliefs and did this. This man didnt text me that nite or the next day. He said he wanted to give me my time. Nice guy right? I didnt stop seeing him after that. I continued to see him some days better then others. At times I would feel like he loved me others not. All I wanted was for this man to love me and I was going to be the person to change him. Didnt work. things were going ok for a little while then my 20 yr old Daughter had a party at her house and a fight broke out and someone got hurt very bad. He was working that weekend and asked me to call him. I thought it was about that but it was something on his facebook. I told him about the party and he started going off on me so bad telling me it was all my fault because I cater to her and if I didnt do so much she wouldnt be like she is. He also said that if the kid did die he would never be able to speak to me ever again and that he is so embaressed because there are other cops who know we are involved. He made me feel so bad like I was this terrible Mom and I lost him too. I felt my world crashing in front of me! I felt like nobody needed a failure so I took alot of pills and I almost died. I am truly very lucky to be qlive now. This happened on a Sunday my friend texted him and told him what had happened and he was very upset. He came to the hospital on Monday he cried talking to me. He said he couldnt believe I did this. said he wanted time away from me for me to get better!!! I couldnt believe he was walking away from me at my weakest moment. WOW!!!!! He texted me to tell me he had lost so much sleep and that he did love me and just couldnt believe I would take myself out of his life. He said I walked away from him the day I took the pills. My DH was there every step of the way trying to understand what happened. He has been so wonderful. I got out of the hospitl on a Wednesdsay and Friday began feeling very sick. It looked like I had been bit by a spider on Sat was a little worse and by Sunday I had a temp of 104.8 I stayed in bed all day went to the hospital at 10:00 PM not knowing what was going on. I got admitted and had to have surgery come to find out I had MRSA. I was in the hospital almost a week. I almost died a 2nd time. Still only texting when he wanted to text pretty much told me we are done. I couldnt believe it. I got out of the hospital on last Sat and texted him saying I was out and I wanted to see him. I wanted closure with him and wanted my stuff from his house. I went there and he told me he wanted me to hurt and he was done with me I told him what an A**HOLE he was and he said oh yea go tell people I told him!! That was not my point. That was the last time I had spoken to him. I went out with friends last night and he was there I did not look at him or say a thing to him but I did dance and have a good time!! I can only imagine what he was thinking when he saw me dancing. I wanted him to see it. Childish maybe but I wanted to hurt him like he did me. I am scheduled to begin Couns. on Monday. I believe I was obsessed with him and Loved him to much. I am having a very hard day today thinking about him and missing him but I dont know what I missed. I need advice. In the past people have given me very good advice and one person Loving wrote when you are down he will step over you. Well you were so right. I am so sure its over for good I have taken him out of my phone, blocked him from my facebook so I cant see him or anyhting he writes or does. Its so dam hard I know there is no going back and yes I know taking pills was not the answer and it was the stupidist thing I have ever done and I would never do it again. I am ready to move past this but I truly need the help of this board. How do you move on? What more can I do to help myself? I have gone on more websites on obbsessive Love and just trying to help myself. I really need advice. There is a ache in my heart and I just miss being with him so much I truly want the help and I know Its a long road but I just really need answers. Any help would be so greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 9:01am

Mab,


You've been through the ringer with this addiction and I was happy to read that you have an appointment with a counselor. This is going to help you far more than anything we can tell you. Other than that, keep reading here and garnering all the knowledge you can re. how to stay NC, how to stop obsessive thoughts, and the grieving stages you will be going through. It's all in the healing library.


Nothing is going to change until you do. It's going to take a lot of hard work, serious counseling, with focus on co-dependency and building up your self esteem.


((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 11:13am

Hello MAB,

I have not been on the board lately. RL needed me more. I read occasionally but have not posted in a week or so. I missed the board today and I came on here and there you are. I was wondered what happened to you. I figured you had gone back to exAP. That's usually the case when people disappear so suddenly. Not always. Some people just move on.

I am sorry that things have been so bad lately. Sounds worse than it was before. I do not know how you manage to appease exAP with your phone in the water.

I am happy you are going to see a therapist. Good for you. I agree with Iddy, that would be much more helpful than we are, that's not to say that we are not here for you. Just saying you have some work cut out for you. This has really effected you to the point of life/death.

Do what you need to for you health. Whatever it takes. Good you blocked him on fb, block him on your phone, otherwise, you will be pulled back in. This is so toxic and you have six children that really need you. Think of them. They need their mom whole and healthy. U are no good to them if you are not well. Please get all the help you need....

you can private email me if you wish to talk off the board. But know you have to stick to ending this A if you ever plan to live a healthy life.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 1:16pm

Your xAP sounds just an awful lot like mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:57am
how are you? woke up with you on my mind...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida