I saw him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
I saw him
61
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 5:59pm
I saw xap this past Tuesday afternoon. I was in the supermarket(where he gave me his number) and he was also there. His daughter was with him. I didn't approach him. When I walked by he was in the checkout lane and turned and smiled and said hi. I did the same. Then when I was in the check out lane he was leaving and looked back and waved bye. My heart is breaking all over again. I couldn't believe I was looking at the man who said all those things to me and he just treated me like a casual acquaintance. I really hoped him seeing me would prompt him to do the right thing and contact me and give me an explanation. It didn't. And I am right back to going over and over why he did what he did. I think I am even lower than I was right after he disappeared. I cry off and on all day. I have been busy with the kids sports games, but I will be at a game and have to go to the restroom and cry. This really is driving me crazy. I don't know how to get over this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 6:18pm

" I really hoped him seeing me would prompt him to do the right thing and contact me and give me an explanation. It didn't."

Dear Willow.

He DID do the right thing. I know that you are still holding onto him, and to the expectation that in time he will give you an explanation, and THEN and ONLY THEN, will you have closure. You have been informed so many times, that he can't bring you closure or answers. His NC is all the closure you need. He has moved on. He has chosen his family. You will never ever hear from him again. It is past time willow for you to be working on re-framing your thinking. It is clear that you are stuck and spinning. How long has it been now since he went NC? What steps have you taken to work toward re-building yourself.

It has been almost 2 months ... please please go back to this thread and read the support that was given to you at that time:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=29263.1

You have to start taking responsibility for your own wellness and healing. We care about you, and that you are still hurting. You have to chose to stop the hurt willow - he isn't doing anything to hurt you any longer - but you seem intent on continuing to hurt yourself by giving him the power to give you permission to move on.

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 6:27pm
I am sorry I disagree. He did the right thing by staying with his family but he did the wrong thing in not telling me. Sorry but I see others posting on here that have been out alot longer than 2 mos. that are still having trouble getting over it. Maybe I shouldn't post anymore. I waited several days to even post because I knew I would be criticized and he is seen as this great guy for going NC on me without an explanation. I'm sorry I see that as cruel no matter what the reason. I read this quote somewhere 'Cruel words can hurt you but silence breaks your heart.' Just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 7:05pm

Hi Willow


No one is being critical of you...we know how hard it is and are just giving you our perspectives on things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 7:28pm
Also, I believe reading here really helped me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 7:29pm

Willow -

I know you are hurting and I'm sorry. I too, saw XAP last week for the first time in a long time. No words were spoken. I had waves of sadness the rest of the afternoon. Try not to focus on the fact that he just stopped contacting you. I was in my A for a very, very long time with several "endings". Each ending was for the same reason. When I did it, it was because I wanted more and was tired of being second best. When he did it, it was because he couldn't live a double life anymore and didn't have the courage to leave his W.

Remember what NC equals - no new hurts. Maybe your XAP loved you enough to just let you go - to not go into the "whys" that would cut through your heart (believe me, I've lived through it)

Be grateful that he is leaving you alone. Even though it hurts like hell, he is respecting you. My XAP never showed me that respect. I was treated like his possession, even after the final ending.

I shared this quote with Foggy the other day:

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but for the patience to win my freedom."

Thinking of you -

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 7:35pm

Thanks G you truly seem to know what I am going through. I am sorry you have been through the same thing, it is so hard waiting on an answer that never comes. I go back and forth between I have to give up I know I will never hear from him, then I go back to I don't think he could be the person he seemed to be and leave it like this. Like you what I have such a hard time dealing with is how he was so warm,loving and caring would not tell me what was going on. He never withdrew or went back and forth with me. It was sudden and out of the blue and knocked me for a loop. I don't know if he decided it was wrong, I don't know anything. He never discussed feeling that it was wrong. I did get the impression and he hinted that he wanted more than an affair. Because he did say how do we do this and stay in our marriages. He said he was absolutely sure he wanted out of his marriage.

I do understand I have to find a way of moving forward. I am just really having a hard time figuring out how to do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 7:48pm

Bodhi your posts always seem to be very calming to me. How did you get to this place of calmness? That is what I would really like now to be calm and at peace with life. My brain seems to be filled with chaos. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round that I can never get off.

I did say to my friend during the A that I really didn't think xap was the type that could handle a double life. He told me he really sucked at lying. I think that is why the only time he would see me was when she was gone, that way he didn't have to lie about where he was going.
So maybe that was the reason. But see there I go again trying to come up with the reason. This is what I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 7:53pm

Willow,

You assume I don't know what you are going through - we have all been where you are at. Maybe we got/gave some lame excuse for a good-bye, but we are all haunted to some extent (in the beginning) by unanswered questions and broken 'promises'.

These are your words to me when I gave you the exact same comments/support earlier:

"You are right I am depending on him to make me feel like I matter. I am giving him the power to determine how I feel.

It is also true, I do know he has ended the A and I am resisting it. I keep wanting things to go back to the way they were. Even though I know that could never happen. The trust has been broken. The promise that he gave me that he would never lie to me has also been broken. I think it is a lie to say I am ready to leave and the next day disappear."

The last thing I am doing is critisizing you. I see you hurting, and looking for answers in all the wrong places. Yes what he did sucks, it is awful, it hurts and it feels cruel. I am not denying you those feelings. But we encourage here ending an affair in whatever way is possible. He ended it. He had the 'courage' to end it and not look back. I want you to be able to set yourself free of him and the power that he has continued to have over your well being - power I see you giving him.

Please re-read Dee's words:

What an Ender is asked to do here can be PAINFUL, sure, because we are asked to be accountable for our actions, expected to have commitment of purpose, and post and live with integrity. Man, coming out of the A and having someone call you on your BS is really, really OUCHIE -- but it's not about judging or crucifying. Posts that sting, sting because the truth hurts - and not because the comments are insensitive, judgmental or unsupportive. This is a board that really encourages ACTIVE introspection and proactive healing. This is not a place for one to come to just whine about how much things suck, never moving forward, and expect to be coddled and petted. And, I'm not saying you're doing that (don't get me wrong); my point is that healing, facing the truth when we really don't want to, and having to be accountable to people who expect a lot more from us than we're used to expecting from ourselves, is a painful process -- but, really, the only way to heal -- which is all we want for you and all here. We're here for YOU."

My best to you,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/29/2010 7:54 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:03pm

I think mine was sudden too...it was like one day things were normal and we were very close...the next day...he basically closed himself off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: willow09
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:14pm

My Dear Willow,


<>


Honey, I completely understand your pain and devastation. When someone you believed in and trusted simply disappears from your life without explanation, a huge hole is left inside of us for a very long time. IMO, your Xmm is a coward of the worst kind. I know you still care about him and probably cannot fathom the thought of thinking badly about him, so I'm going to do it for you.


What he did is the cruelest of acts and shows lack of integrity and character. My guess is that he was lying right from the start about his W and all of her lovers. What do you really know about her and why she left him earlier this year? Has it ever crossed your mind that Xmm may have

   ~Iddy~ 


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