My arms have finally given out
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| Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:57pm |
After 7 months of NC, I think my arms have finally given out and I am drowning. I am exhausted. I am defeated. I am sad. I am wallowing. My heart aches more than it has ached since the very early days of NC. All of my strength has been sucked out of me and I am struggling. I've gone through the steps. I've cut him out. I've reinvested in my M, but for the past week or so, I've been consumed with sadness. Nothing I do, nothing I tell myself, nothing seems to be working. I've been reading here as usual and that isn't helping either. I feel so disappointed in myself to be in this place after 7 months... when I really felt home free a few months ago. What in the world has happened? Is this normal? I am so frustrated with myself I could puke.
Sorry to be such a debbie downer. I try so hard to be a light for newbies who are struggling to make it. I don't want this to discourage anyone. I just really need help today.
Hugs,

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Hang in there Jane... You are an inspiration to many (Including myself).
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Jane -
I don't have any words of wisdom for you right now as I'm feeling the same exact way at the moment. Just know that you aren't alone. I'm busy at work, but it's not helping because all I feel is the stress.
Maybe what we have to accept is that no matter how far "out" we are - 7 months, or in my case 9 weeks, we will still experience ups and downs. Breathe and go back to taking it a moment at a time like at the beginning - that is what I'm trying to do. I'm holding onto you :)
Bodhi
DEBBIE! :)....lol...I am trying to get you laugh
Dear Jane,
Prior to responding to your post - I just want to share with this board, that Jane has offered unconditional, and relentless support to me through my latest crisis.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
I could be WAY off base, here but I wanted to throw something out there that I think MIGHT....MAYBE...be triggering this sadness.
Just like the end to any relationship whether it be the death of a child/spouse, or the ending of a marriage, or the end of an affair...there will be a year of firsts....
For example.
Honey,
Do you remember what I told you a while back about how you were a mega-ender but that it was OK if you had downtime, sadtime, setbacks... and not to get wigged out about that?
You have been going going going for quite some time now. It's normal that you'd get tired, overwhelmed.... just plain tuckered out! The sadness could be a manifestation of nothing more than mental fatigue, sweetie. Or maybe, just maybe, you need to acknowledge some sadness that you've been repressing? In your leaps and bounds towards a perfect ending, did you skip over some issues that need to be handled? I'm just grasping at straws here. Maybe you're expecting too much of yourself and causing a spiral effect... as in, you feel a little, normal sadness - but you're sad that you feel that sadness and it causes MORE sadness. git it? Could you feel safe and calm and just sit with your sadness for a bit? Buy it a drink and see what it has to say. (ha! then dork it and kick it out of bed in the morning!)
Personally, I'm still going through waves of sadness. Not all of it is A related, but some is. And, actually, some of it is that fatigue I mentioned before; I am just so tired of dealing with the shiz I have unleashed and I pout that things can't be easy peazy for crying out loud. It's hard for me to keep my eyes on the prize when I feel defeated and hopeless. Luckily, there is always a second wind eventually. You'll get your second wind soon, too, my dear. Hold on. Know that we all LOVE you and you're in our prayers.
xoxoxoxoxo
Dee
((Jane))
This may be the time to take a step back and reexamine your past behavior and think real hard how you were feeling when you fell off the apple cart back then....
~Iddy~
Dear Jane ((GIANT HUGS))
All I can say is that if your arms are tired from swimming then I hope you soon find some feathers to turn them into wings and can once again take flight. Just as life started in the oceans, then moved onto land, and then to the skies...so to will you!
As others have said you are an inspiration. And I am happy to stand here today, a little stronger than yesterday (in part thanks to you), and send my condolences for your hurting heart. I am sending you the strongest healing vibes I can in hopes to help blow away the clouds that are surrounding you right now. As I said on your blog, please know that sometimes by admitting and accepting you are still hurting is one of the strongest "lights" that you can shine down on us Newbies!
So until you find those feathers, do as suggested as TU suggested and use those strong legs you got to keep swimming. Or better yet, take head of Bodhi's last line. I too am holding onto you, onto the both of you, onto all of you. This gave me a great image of all of us in the ocean in our own individual rafts, but strung together tightly, holding on to each other so that when your raft gets a tear, you wont go down. We can all hold you up, with our words and support, but only YOU can actually fix the leak. So take some time to examine what caused it, knowing that we are all here to keep you afloat while you do.
Go back to being proud of taking small steps each second, minute, hour, day....rather than frustrated at not being able to make the big leaps you think you should be able to. And if you can, find 1 small reason to smile...even if it is purely accidental!
MUCH LOVE
Foggy
Hi Jane
I think everyone is different in how they deal with A's...even though we share a lot of things.
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