Is it really ever over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Is it really ever over?
8
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 4:59pm
I just have a question. Is it really ever over. I have read over and over on this site and others about an XAP trying to make contact again. This causes me to wonder if it is ever really over? Is it the men, is it the women, is it the connection? I don't know. How many have really ended the first time around. Do we get so far out from the feelings that we forget how crappy we felt when it ended the first time and just go right back in? I have only been in one and so far (5 weeks NC) have only ended it once. I just am baffled at the whole thing....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 6:49pm

Hi MD,

It took twice for it to finally be over for me. The first time was not our choosing, but rather caught by xMM's wife. The second time was the same scenario, but because of all that happened, I realized it was the right thing to do...be OVER!

Congrats on 5 weeks of NC. You are on the right path. It will be over if you want it to be. Continued NC success!

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 7:46pm
So can I ask why it didn't end the first time around. I keep telling myself that it's over, but really I don't feel like I am any different than anyone else, and apparently it stops and starts for a lot of people!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 7:59pm

It didn't end the first or second time because I wanted it to, nor did xMM want it...but all the events that happened directly after it ended the second time that made me realize what I was really doing. The first time around I didn't think I was hurting anyone, I was entitled to the A, entitled to my happiness. I was still justifying my behavior.

A few weeks prior to the second ending, xMM said he was tired of lying, tired of hiding and wanted the A to be known and to get on with his life which included me. Hahaha, when we got busted again, he threw me under the bus. He didn't stand up for me, accused me of lying, pointed all fingers at me. I was majorly angry and felt betrayed because I thought we were soulmates, we had something special, but it was nothing more than an A. That woke me up. I was really nothing to him and that hurt and also made me very angry and it fueled me to toward the path of really ending it. I came out of the A fog, slowly but surely each day. I reflected on how much I could've hurt my H, my kids, my family who had always been there for me. There were lots of reasons why I got into the A in the first place and I'm not proud of them, not proud of my behavior and I definitely know I don't ever want to be in that A state again!

MovingON

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 8:02pm
Hi mayday. I'm sorry you are going through these emotions. My AP and I tried to end our relationship twice before this last time and I'm pretty sure this is it. The first two times we tried to end things was because we both wanted different things. I want a baby and AP doesn't. He said he couldn't give me everything I deserved and wanted. But the time apart made him realize that he couldn't live without me. Now it's over because he basically chose his W. It's been 5 weeks and NC. It makes me sad to think this is definitely it...it is over. I'm new to the boards but can say it looks like you are in the right place for support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 8:06pm

I think it must depend a lot upon the actual situation you are in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 8:12pm
So did you end it once only, or was it a stop start thing? I have a sticky note on my computer that reads "I feel like s**t", I am hoping that will be a reminder. I know myself well enough to know that I won't contact him, but I have NO IDEA what he is thinking or will do. I do not like that part of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 8:29pm
I started pulling away when I could see he wasn't going to meet me half way anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 8:47pm

hi mayday,

i'd like to think that at some point, for all of is, it IS really over. now whether that means WE'RE really over it, however, is a different story.

A's end differently for everybody. if you ended it and have achieved NC, then good on ya, keep on going, and the fog will clear and you will feel more and more empowered. for me, i ended it several times. once, i ended it and resumed it full on (meaning, back to sex, back to daily texting and emailing, totally in). then, i ended it and just went back and forth with NC (no face to face meetings, but was still emailing and texting). for me, the challenge was, when i was ready to cut the cord, AP was still tryign to contact me, and i didn't feel strong enough to resist his fishing attempts. now, he seems to be giving me some peace, but i'm having trouble resisting my own urges.

for all of us, disentangling from an A is a process. it's really good to know that so far, you've been keeping up with NC. now is when the healing can begin; ask yourself what brought you into the A, what the reasons are for your ending it, how you can grow from this so as to never repeat it, etc.

good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 7:22am

Hi,


Can I please ask Phoenix how that worked for you?


The only way is NC according to this site? (Well, i suppose there is alwyas the possibilty that one or other of the AP's drops dead of a heart attack

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 8:13am

Hello Rob,

Many of us started to pull back & out of our affairs as part of the ending process. I started doing this well before I ended the affair. I was unhappy and sick of feeling like I was feeling: of knowing what I have become, the hurt I was causing and yet still too screwed up to completely end it. I hadn't yet found this board. I had already lost my husband to the affair so it was hard to care about any immediate ending without realizing that I still had my own life to save.

When I did find this board, I started NC #1. My first attempt was half-hearted. I didn't block him; I just stopped communicating back to him. I would read all the self-pity, sad emails begging me to continue. I would listen to his voicemails, and let him in when he showed up at my house. I caved ... same thing 2nd time round ... only this time he was leaving and had a planned Dday. He then said his hard was too hard and he was feeling split down the middle. At this point, I walked away. I was no longer going to sit in silence and wait to be 'chosen'. I could see how selfish and destructive we were being. I ended it then and there and haven't looked back.

So bottom line I guess ... for some it is trial and error process - one paved in denial, in wondering if it could be done different. I look back and think I was so arrogant to believe I could handle what NONE of the women on this board had been able to do (save one or two who have some sort of something). I wasn't willing or able to stay in his life in any capacity, nor try to. He was scavenging for anything, and told his wife he would not end things with me.

BUT I wouldn't do that to his wife (again). When I saw him, he was a reminder of everything I had come to hate about myself and who I had become. He became this pitiful coward who couldn't stand up and show anything remotely resembling dignity. In the end he didn't choose - it was his wife and I who did. She chose to try and work things out, and I decided to walk. He is living a life by default. I would have had so much more respect for him if he had said, "we are over. i have chosen my family. and we will never have contact again".

Staying completely NC is the way I have stayed successfully out of this affair, even though he has tried to re-engage me. I am so so DONE. Sure - perhaps - maybe one day we could have had a amicable working relationship. But for me, no one is worth that much trying or pain (except maybe my kids) for the smallest of chance.

I see so many people working harder to stay in their affairs, than they seemed to have ever worked on their marriage. I was one of them. What a mis-directed waste of time & energy.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

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