Support for NC needed please

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Support for NC needed please
20
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 8:05pm
Hi...I need some help getting over my AP. I can't stop thinking about him and really want to call. It has been since July 22 that I've had any contact when he sent me the cruelest email. He basically said that he never cared about me. That everything he told me was a lie and if I have any further questions to consider the answer would be that he lied about that too. If he never cared why would he rake so many risks? Why would he got on several vacations with me (3 days in February, 4 days in March and 6 days in April). Anyways, the breakup came 5 days after my dad died which just made the whole breakup 10 times worse. Please help me stay strong and realize I need to remain NC.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 8:30pm

I don't know that I am one to help. If you have read any of my posts you will understand I am still in a state of confusion and hurt. I can only tell you looking back what I wish I had of done. I was never told anything, just suddenly stopped hearing from him. So my situation is a little different. I wish after 1 or 2 attempts on my part to try and find out, no I wish I didn't even ask what was going on. I wish I had of just sent my normal hi texts and when I didn't get a response, wish I wouldn't have sent anything else. Because he ignored every plea and question. Others see NC as a way to go for your healing, which is probably true. But I also see it as not giving him all the power. I think if I hadn't of kept trying to ask what happened and begging for a response. He would be the one left asking what the heck, didn't she care enough about me to even try to find out what happened? I think NC just protects you all the way around. If he was that cruel and you didn't mean anything to him, if you don't contact him, he no longer gets to play you. If you did mean something to him then you are still left with your dignity. Because if you are like me and he doesn't respond, you will get angrier and more frustrated and might say something you wished you hadn't.

I am not sure how good my advice is, like I said I am new to all this. I can just tell you looking back how I wish I would have handled it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 8:50pm

Cait,
You are trying to massage reality into a version that is more palatable and easily digested because the truth is so darn painful. The very fact that you're debating why he did what he did, either to end the A or while still in it, shows that you're desperately trying to make sense of something that is just not fitting with the "reality" you want to have and hold onto.

Here's the deal: the truth is going to hurt, and hurt like hell -- BUT, accepting the truth and dealing with that hurt is sooooo much less painful than holding onto a lie, and the mental/emotional gymnastics you have to go through to keep yourself believing that lie.

Ok, so you desperately want to believe that he cared for you and that there is some extraordinary, unknown, yet perfectly plausible reason why he would be intentionally be so f'n cruel and hateful to attempt to destroy you at your core (5 days after your father died)?? Yah, no. I'm sorry. I mean, struggling with wanting to believe that the xAPs really did care for us is as common as can be, but having to overcome such obvious and glaring evidence to the contrary in order to do so is unfathomable.

You're motivated to break NC because you think this person (and I use that term loosely) will give you some comfort, closure, understanding? Cait, dear, I wish I could give you a big hug. I hurt for you because I see that your self-esteem is so terribly damaged by this A and by this horrid, horrid man. Please know that breaking NC will result only more pain and confusion for you. Please stay strong and never, never, ever volunteer to have this disgusting, abusive, soulless piece of sh*t hurt you again.

My deepest and most heartfelt condolence for the loss of your father.

xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 12:04am

Hi Cait,

Welcome to EAS. If I could, I'd just reach out and hug you right now because you are obviously going through the ringer. You are in a very vulnerable state right now, mourning the loss of your father AND the damage done to you by your xAP. When it rains it pours.

Your priority, honey, is to take care of yourself right now. You are hurting so much and you need to rebuild your self esteem and focus on getting through the pain of the losses you've sustained. Not to get too personal, but I'd really recommend getting into counseling ASAP. I'm saying this, because I lost my father not too long ago, and I believe getting in my affair was largely a result of not dealing with my bereavement related depression. It is so natural for you to want to turn to your AP for comfort at a time like this.

maybe your AP did care for you, maybe he didn't. in my experience, most people in A's care, but somebody cares more, and the other person just doesn't care ENOUGH to make the affair into a "real relationship", or whatever.

this is the time to seek support from every healthy and positive outlet you can. i'm not saying about the A, but about your father's death. do NOT let your AP be the one who helps you get through this. if you have anybody you trust to talk to about the A, this is a good time to lean on them also, if not you TOTALLY have us here at EAS.

NC is very important, and the fact that you've already made over a month is HUGE. I have not made it that long, and I have tried to get out of my A for the past 6 weeks. There could be a million different reasons why your AP sent you the letter he sent. Maybe he said it to hurt you so that you'd leave him alone. Maybe he meant it. Maybe his wife hijacked his email and sent it. It doesn't matter. the point is, he wants the affair to end, and you should take this is a a blessing and let it end. you have REAL things to deal with right now. Breaking NC will do you no good. Either he will apologize for everything, and you'll be hooked into this affair all over again, or he'll ignore you, and you'll continue being confused and over analyzing everything, OR he'll say something even worse and you'll be hurting all over again. I realize what you want is for him to be close to you, be there for you, and support you, but believe me, it's a real blessing in disguise that he's not. the people who are there for you right now are people you need to be able to count on, not people who you have to keep secret.

I am so sorry that your AP chose to end things in such a hurtful way at such a vulnerable time. I think, though, that this could be an amazing opportunity for you to grow, reconnect with yourself and with loved ones. Please post here often, or at least read our stories so that you can stay in the mindset of remembering that good things always come out of ending affairs. you may not see it at first, but it's always for the best.

you are in my thoughts,
~Exi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 6:54am

I am sorry to hear about your dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 7:28am

Hi Cait- Welcome. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. As Dee said, you are trying to make some sense of all of this. You want desperately to believe that he cared for you because he meant so much to you. I think we've all been there. Now that the harsh lights of reality have been thrown on, you have to face it. Look at the facts. He was cruel. He ended the A 5 days after your dad died (I am sorry for your loss). This person is not there for you; doesn't want to be there for you. And that hurts, but it is the truth. Another truth is that if you reach out to him, you will only bring yourself more pain. He either won't respond or he will respond and tell you to leave him alone. Both results end up with you being hurt and humiliated once again. So while not hearing from him hurts, it is a hurt that you can overcome if you keep on the path towards healing. Unfortunately, this is the hurt that we all sign up for when we have an A and the only way to get over it is to move on.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 7:39am

Welcome to our community, honey, and my deepest condolences re. your father. When I lost my parents my whole world came crashing down, so I know how difficult this is, especially due to now having lost whatever connection you had to XAP. His timing was selfish and cruel.


You have made it over a month now with NC, and for this I am very proud of the fact that you have not contacted him. There is no closure in affairs, and we have a thread in the Healing Library that discusses this. Have you been reading the library? You will find strength and comfort there, and many tips and suggestings for continuing on your path to healing.


I hope you keep reading and posting here. You have sisters/brothers who understand your pain and will help hold you up when those emotional winds of adversity strike.


((Hugs))


   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:20am

Cait,


Many {{{{{HUGS}}}}} coming your way - my dad's passing was a catalyst for me jumping in to my A so I can only imagine how it would feel to lose the A in such a hurtful fashion and then to lose someone so important as your dad - I'm a daddy's girl, so that loss alone I know can rob you of so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 9:17am

My condolences to you for the loss of your Dad.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 9:27am

Thank you for your wonderful and kind words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 10:00am

Yes!


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